MONDAY, AUGUST 13 Look out, it’s dog pile on Britney
Spears week! Thanks to ex-hubby/current hillbilly Kevin
Federline and his courtroom quest to get custody of their kids, we
now have a truckload of rumors, gossip, and innuendo to share
about Ms. Spears—and around 15 percent of it might actually be
true! (Trust us, that’s an improvement.) First, and hilariously, K.Fed
has hired an ex-Israeli commando to serve court summons to many
of Brit’s former assistants and bodyguards. As we know, ex-Israeli
commandoes are so much more reliable than K.Fed’s drinking buddies when
serving papers. Naturally, K.Fed was hoping these staffers would spill
some of the pop tart’s more juicy secrets—and so far? They
do not disappoint! According to Star magazine, three former
assistants allege that Britney regularly swills liquor and
pills, and yells disturbing things at kids Sean Preston and Jayden,
such as, “You were both mistakes!” (Frankly Britney, with you
and Kevin as the parents, do you really think they were surprised?)
Us Weekly throws more gasoline on the fire, specifically over
Brit’s alleged drinking-in-front-of-the-kids problem. “At first,
the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry,” claims one
former staffer. “But she’d inevitably drink too much and be out
of it, at which point the nannies would take care of the kids.”
Ummmm… isn’t that the reason nannies exist? But the best rumors are
SEXY rumors, right? And these same staffers have accused Britney of
“stripping down in front of staff, nannies, whomever… asking,
‘Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?’ She’s extremely insecure.”
Once again, in defense of Britney, our bosses at the Mercury strip down in front of us all the time. Unfortunately, they are not in
the least bit insecure, and really believe they’re sexy. AHEM! Which of
course, they are. Extremely. Sexy. Ahem.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14 And speaking of getting served,
car-napping cutie Lindsay Lohan is finally getting sued for her road-rage joyride in which she commandeered a vehicle,
kidnapped the inhabitants, and terrorized the mother of her former
assistant. (That girl really keeps a busy schedule.) Anyway, Tracie
Rice was riding along with the terrorized mom in question, and is
now suing the actress for celebrity malfeasance. “What Miss Lohan did
that night was extremely dangerous and reprehensible,” said
Rice. “Someone could easily have been killed or seriously hurt because
of her irresponsible decisions that evening.” OH,
BOO-HOO-HOO. Getting chased by Lindsay Lohan is the greatest single
thing that ever happened in your miserable non-famous life, Rice.
Instead of suing, you should be paying LINDSAY. She’s the one stuck in
rehab after all. AND BY THE WAY… How is Lindsay
doing in that Utah Mormon rehab? Answer: GREAT! According to reports,
LiLo is a model rehabber: going to all the meetings, chatting up
her psychiatrist, and happily performing menial Mormon tasks such as
washing dishes and cleaning toilets. In fact, she’s been doing
such a bang-up job they let her go into town today to work out at a
Gold’s Gym and “get a $20 spray-on tan.” OMIGOD. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING TO HER, YOU MONSTERS??

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15 And speaking of harlots on their best
behavior… if you’ve noticed that Paris Hilton is
beginning to act and dress like a normal, boring human being,
you’re right! The former porn star/jailbird has been spotted wearing
one-piece bathing suits(!!), conservative clothing, and posing
for pictures with children—many of whom are probably at least as
retarded as herself. Is this the work of an angry God chastising
Paris into good behavior, or the machinations of professional crisis
manager Michael Sitrick? Also known for his work in managing
the freakouts of Ryan Phillipe, Rush Limbaugh, and
Naomi Campbell, Sitrick has reportedly been pushing Paris to
dress like a classy socialite and avoid the coke-snorting club scene.
Sitrick, however, denies his hand in her personality makeover, claiming
prison is responsible for the change. “[Paris is] more involved
in charities now,” Sitrick claims, “from volunteering at Children’s
Hospital in Los Angeles to her being a sponsor at a spinal cord
injury fundraiser. That is who she is.” Maybe if she were
volunteering to eat the children or spinal cords, then we’d believe
it.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16 “WHO’LL DIE FIRST?” That’s the
question the Globe asked this week on the cover of their
always-classy tabloid. Pictured under the headline are several (all
good) choices, such as President Bush, Angelina Jolie, Oprah,
Michael Jackson, Nicole Richie, and more. Regardless of who you
wish would perish first, Dr. Lillian Glass, “one of America’s
leading age experts”(??) knows the real scoop, claiming that “ailing
Liz Taylor will outlive wild child Lindsay Lohan, who’ll die by the
time she’s 25.” Okay… let’s do the math. That means you’ll get to
read about LiLo’s exploits in this column for only 208 more issues.
(Sob!) They grow up and die so quickly!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17 History time! Let’s hop waaay back to
1994—that magical year of Tonya Harding, the Menendez
Brothers (not to be confused with Menudo), O.J.
Simpson, and… Dick Cheney? Yep! This week saw the
emergence of a 1994 video featuring Cheney—then working for a
conservative think tank—talking about why the US didn’t oust
Saddam Hussein in the first Iraq war. Cheney’s logic? He thought
doing so would have created a “quagmire.” You don’t say! Cheney
continued, “How many additional dead Americans was Saddam worth? Our
judgment was not very many, and I think we got that right.” Good
call, Dick! Oh, and just FYI: For the current Iraq war—the one in
which we did depose Saddam—the Defense Department
currently lists 3,698 American military casualties.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18 Okay, can we stop pretending that there’s
any chance whatsoever that those six miners who got stuck
underground in Utah might still be alive? Between the initial failed
attempts to find the miners, Thursday’s search efforts that killed
three rescuers, and today’s Associated Press story that blames
the bungled rescue efforts on the head of the Federal Mine Safety and
Health Administration, Richard “Call Me Brownie” Stickler…
well, how about we just rename the place Death Mountain, maybe
install a mining cart-themed roller coaster on top, and move on
already? C’mon, Utah! Lindsay Lohan is in your state! In rehab!
Getting $20 spray-on tans! It’s a proven fact: Train wrecks are
always more interesting than cave-ins.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19 This week began with Britney Spears,
and so shall it end: Today the Britta ventured out into public
without a wig for the first time since February, when she went
batshit crazy and shaved her head. The result? Surprisingly… not
terrible, with her short blonde hair being somewhere between “your
mother” and “lesbian junior high gym teacher.” (Actually, that
does sound terrible. Nevermind.)
MEANWHILE… Speaking of women who choose terrible
husbands, Britain’s Daily Mail reported that “more than one in
five married women (22 percent) said that if they could go back in time
they would change their husband.” (Conversely, a mere 12 percent
of men said they married the wrong woman.) When we interrupted Hubby
Kip‘s drunken RoboCop marathon to see if he regretted
marrying yours truly, we can only assume his mumbled grunt meant, “Of
course not, dearest. Why would I ever regret a single moment we’ve
spent together?” Thanks to the riveting conclusion of RoboCop 2,
he was too distracted to return the question, which was probably for
the best.