MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26 Warning to readers of One Day at a Time:
We are about to break a cardinal rule of this column, which is, “never
report on a celebrity pregnancy until the baby’s head is
actually poking out of the vagina.” While these stories are rarely if
ever true, the following tidbit is too hilarious to ignore because it
involves… of course… BRITNEY! Today the interweird went
bazonkers after In Touch magazine reported that Britney Spears
is pregnant with the child of some meathead named J.R. Rotem (the specifics are unimportant). How did the rag get this info? By
journalism’s newest method of lazy reporting, “the text
message.” In Touch texted Rotem, saying, “They are saying
Britney’s pregnant and you’re the father…” to which Rotem texted
back, “It’s true.” In Touch: “OK, awesome. Do u
think Britney will keep it? She’s already talking about it to people.”
Rotem: “No clue on what she will do. She is unpredictable.” And with
that intense lack of evidence, In Touch had their front-page
story! Not to be out-texted, Britney fired off a text to Ryan
Seacrest’s pink bejeweled Blackberry (kidding), saying “It’s B.S.,
I don’t know who made it up. J.R. doesn’t even know what’s up. It’s
fake, completely faked.” In Touch magazine jumped to the
defense of their yellow tabloid with irrefutable(?) proof of the
pregnancy: They printed pictures of the text message, which could
easily be faked by the average 13-year-old. In response, here’s what
we’re going to text to In Touch: “Oh PUH-LEEZE :<“
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Okay. We will admit that Suri
Cruise (the genetically engineered clone of Scientologists Tom
and Katie) is cute. However, she is unequivocally a bitch. Why?
Because when she (or anyone for that matter) gets a pair of
Christian Louboutin shoes before we do? That bullshit is
NOT going to fly! According to OK! magazine, TomKat commissioned
the world-famous cobbler to specifically design a pair of kicks for two-year-old Suri, which they did by creating a custom mold of the child’s feet. Not only do Christian’s shoes cost on average
$1,000 per pair, Suri will probably outgrow them in just about 40
minutes! So why don’t you put on some plastic two-dollar fake Crocs,
and give those goddamn Louboutin shoes to US, you little c-word!
(Oh, we’ll make them fit!) MEANWHILE… Are you a
fan of this new Reese Witherspoon/Jake Gyllenhaal romance? We’re
not. There’s something creepy about it that we just can’t put our
finger on… but this story helps. According to Star magazine,
the two were seen in heavy canoodle on an international flight
from Germany to LA—and then spotted sneaking into the
potty for what we assume was a bit of mile-high rub-a-dub.
(Personally, we don’t believe it: those bathrooms are far too small to
squeeze in her chin and his latent homosexuality.) OH, WE’RE JUST
KIDDING. (… kind of.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 If there’s anything more disgusting
than the words “Reese Witherspoon’s chin” and “sex,” it’s “sex”
and “Britney Spears’ X-rated fantasy room and feces-smeared
couch.” According to the Daily News, Spears has a special
double-locked hidden room in her Hollyweird mansion filled with
“ticklers, whips, and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the
metal bed frame.” But that’s not all, says a sneaky spy who
accidentally stumbled into this icky den of inequity: She also has a
closet of kinky clothes including a Catholic schoolgirl uniform,
a maid’s outfit, and a Cinderella gown. Yeah, yawn… whatever.
Let’s get to the feces-smeared couch! The spy also noted that Britney’s
white couches “bear hideous stains of diaper-changing” and
evidence that her dog has been using it as his personal roll of toilet
paper. That’s pretty gross—but not as gross as the thought of a
dog dragging its ass across Reese Witherspoon’s enormous chin.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29 Suri Cruise notwithstanding,
children can sometimes be something close to astute. A poll of
American children released today revealed that two of One Day’s top
celebrities have made “Santa’s Naughty List.” The kids were
asked to name their top contenders for Santa’s famous list of the
world’s most naughty citizens, and here are their top five: (5)
Darth Vader, (4) The Grinch, (3) Swiper the Fox (from Dora the Explorer), (2) Paris Hilton (for her
numerous crimes against humanity), and (1) Britney Spears (for
everything we’ve ever written about her, up to and including her
feces-smeared couch). Let’s think about that for a second, Paris and
Britney: Darth Vader destroys PLANETS, and yet kids think you’re meaner. Maybe you should hire his publicist?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30 “No king or prince has ever lived a
better life,” Evel Knievel once bragged, and he might’ve been
right. The legendary daredevil died today at age 69, decades
after he caught the world’s attention with his batshit-crazy stunts,
having broken nearly 40 bones over the course of his career by
launching himself off of ramps and over cars while wearing a patriotic
jumpsuit. Fare thee well, Evel. May your rocket-powered
motorcycle carry you all the way to Heaven.
MEANWHILE… We’re gonna guess Leeland Eisenberg is a Republican. Eisenberg was arrested today after holding at least
four people hostage at Hillary Clinton‘s New Hampshire
presidential campaign office. Walking into Clinton’s office with a bomb
duct taped to his chest, Eisenberg (whose wife had recently asked for a
divorce) had reportedly been drinking for 72 straight hours beforehand. Clinton was not present, and everyone ended up just fine,
but there’s something we can all learn from this: As we’ve said
countless times before (especially to Hubby Kip), if you’re
going to go on a 72-hour bender, try to sneak in a sandwich.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1 “As Iraqis and American officials assess
the effects of this year’s American troop increase, there is a growing
sense that, even as security has improved, Iraq has slipped to new
depths of lawlessness,” reported the New York Times this
weekend, in a story cheerfully titled “Nonstop Theft and Bribery
Stagger Iraq.” The story also added that “some American officials
estimate that as much as a third of what they spend on Iraqi contracts
and grants ends up unaccounted for or stolen.” Yes. Iraq: Back
on track! MEANWHILE… Pick up a dozen roses and clip on
your ties, boys—it’s courtin’ time! According to People,
Lindsay Lohan is once again single, having broken up with
25-year-old snowboarder Riley Giles. (Nope, we’ve never heard of
him either—but you’ve got to respect anyone who’s named after not
one but two Buffy characters.) “They split after
Thanksgiving weekend,” one source told the mag, while another added,
“She’s focusing on her life and career.” Okay, so that first
comment? Probably true. (See ya, Riley!) But as for LiLo focusing on
her “life and career”? Um, no. (Not unless “life” means
“Oxycontin” and “career” means “grand theft auto.”)
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2 “I know what it’s like to be raised by a
single mom,” dreamy presidential candidate Barack Obama said
earlier this week. “These are issues I’m passionate about.” In an
attempt to derail Hillary Clinton, Barack was presenting himself as a
man who would be a better president for American women than Hillary
Clinton. But strangely, he isn’t using the most obvious tactic:
Pointing out that he’d be the best president for American women because
he actually has a chance of being elected, unlike the
fantastically divisive Clinton. Then again, for Barack to point that
out would just be kind of rude, and Hillary’s already been through
so much this week. Swoon! Isn’t Barack considerate? And did we
mention how handsome and smart he is? Sigh.