MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4 According to those who care about such
things, the Super Bowl was yesterday, and some team named the
Giants won. Apparently, it came as quite a shock to the victors
(who, truthfully, would probably be shocked if they found their shoes
on the correct feet). “This is the greatest feeling in professional
sports,” said a jubilant and weirdly named Plaxico Burress (PLAXICO? Who’re his parents? Dow Chemical?). “We never got down on
ourselves. It came down to one play and we made it.” Oooooh-kay. Thanks
for that thrilling recap, Plaxico. Tell you what: Just don’t turn into
O.J. Simpson, and everybody will be happy. MEANWHILE IN
ACTUALLY INTERESTING NEWS… Remember last week when we
reported that snaggletoothed Kirsten Dunst had been acting
erratically and “on the verge of a nervous breakdown”? Well, we were
right once again! The Bring it On star has indeed brought it
all—straight to REHAB, and in particular Utah’s exclusive
Cirque Lodge Treatment Center. Hey… that’s where Lindsay
Lohan went, as well as Richie Sambora (the poor man’s Bon
Jovi), and for about 25 seconds over the weekend, Eva
Mendes. A source tells People magazine, “People were pushing
[Kirsten] to go… she has been partying hard for a while and I’m sure
the Heath Ledger thing put her over the edge.” Reached for
comment in heaven, Heath Ledger said, “Can we please not refer to it as
‘the Heath Ledger thing’? Thanks.”

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Today was Super Tuesday, in which
24 states cast their votes to determine who is more awesome: Barack
Obama or Hillary Clinton. (Apparently, the Republicans had a
similar contest… but c’mon. Are they fucking kidding us?) And as
pundits predicted, the evening ended practically dead even;
while Hillary claimed the crown jewel of California, Obama grabbed the
Southern states along with those in the Midwest and Rocky Mountains.
That means the next few months are critical for both campaigns, and
they’ll need a LOT more money. Lucky for Obama, he’s completely
dreamy, and people love giving him donations—in fact, he raised a
stunning $7.2 million immediately following Super Tuesday.
Unluckily for Hillary, she’s an occasionally crying robot with a
pinched mouth that looks like a cat’s anus, and so had to borrow $5
million from her own account just to pay her campaign staff. ROLL
OBAMA, ROLL!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6 WHAT… A… DAY. First things, first:
The New York medical examiner released his ruling on the death of actor
Heath Ledger, and the verdict is “accidental overdose.” But get a load of this laundry list of pharmaceuticals he ingested by
“accident”! According to the examiner, “Mr. Ledger died as a result of
acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone,
hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam, and doxylamine.”
Remind us never to take these—apparently they have a habit of
jumping out of their bottles and walking into people’s mouths.
MEANWHILE… Now hold on just a second! Last week we
promised our readers a full two-week break from any Britney
coverage, while she was holed up in a rubber room in the
psychiatric wing of a Los Angeles hospital… AND THEY’VE ALREADY LET
HER GO? Late this morning, Britney was released from the
hospital (allegedly against the wishes of her psychiatrist) after
doctors determined she was no longer a threat to herself or
others. It would’ve been nice if they had asked the “others”
first… but what-EVER. Then at around 2 pm, Britney was seen
driving erratically around the Valley with her Israeli military
bodyguard (on loan from Lindsay Lohan). After getting into a
screaming match with the bodyguard, she kicked him out onto the
curb, jumped into the passenger seat and asked a passing
paparazzo from X17 photo agency to drive her to the Beverly Hills
Hotel… where she then bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife, Maria Shriver. (Is this getting weird yet?) THEN after her
douchebaggy soul-patched boyfriend showed up, the two hid in the
back of another paparazzo’s car underneath a blanket, successfully
snuck out of the hotel, visited her lawyer, and then returned to her
mansion for the rest of the evening—AS FAR AS WE KNOW. Frankly,
we don’t have the slightest idea where she is. So thanks a ton, doctors
at the LA hospital, for releasing Britney so early. For safety’s sake,
we’ll be sleeping in a bank vault tonight.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Fortunately (or unfortunately) for
Britney, her family has issued a court-appointed restraining
order against Brit’s former hanger-on, managerish person
“Sinister” Sam Lutfi. Mommy Lynne Spears testified in
court that “Sinister” Sam had drugged Britney, cut her phone lines,
and flattened her tires in an attempt to keep her prisoner and take
over her life. Lynne portrayed Sam as the puppet master manipulating
the pop starlet, sending her deeper and deeper into dementia. How
demented has she become? Lynne related the following story to the
judge: “Britney returned [to the mansion] and became very
agitated and could not stop moving. She cleaned the house.
She changed her clothes many times. She also changed her three dogs’
clothes many times. Britney spoke in a tone and a level of
understanding of a very young girl. Britney then picked up a bottle of
pills, read the label and asked us, ‘What does insomnia mean?’“
(OMIGOD, what an awesome TV movie this is going to be!)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Attention! Attention! Former child actor
Corey Haim has something very important to tell us! With a huge
ad in yesterday’s Variety, Haim announced he had returned to
Hollyweird. “This is not a stunt,” the ad read. “I’m back. I’m
ready to work. I’m ready to make amends.” Then—beneath a big
photo of Haim laughing—came the kicker: “corey@coreyhaim.tv.” Ah, let the
spamming and sarcastic job offers to star in License to Drive 2 begin! But hey, Corey—were you serious about making amends? Yes,
our encounter in the bathroom at the LA IHOP in 1989 was truly magical
for us, too—but remember how we asked for Corey Feldman‘s
number afterward? Well, we’re still waiting. But no rush! At this
point, it’s just a closure thing.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9 “Doesn’t it seem like Chelsea’s being
pimped out in some weird sort of way?” asked MSNBC’s David
Shuster, pointing out how the li’lest Clinton has been personally
calling superdelegates and those harpies on The View to drum up
support for Mom. And with that, controversy erupted! Hillary
Clinton berated NBC News President Steve Capus for Shuster’s
“degrading” and “debasing” language, even threatening to not
participate in any NBC presidential debates. Everyone panicked and
apologized, and now it seems that everyone is okay… except for
Icetray Smooth, Washington, DC’s most notoriously volatile pimp.
“Someone else is pimpin’ Chelsea out? OH, HELL NO,” Icetray said
when asked for comment. “She’s my best bitch! If someone else is
sellin’ that sweet ‘tang instead of me, they’re liable to find
themselves CUT.” As of press time, Hillary’s camp had not
responded to Icetray’s statement, though Chelsea can currently be found
at the corner of Pennsylvania and Kentucky Avenues.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Time magazine is reporting
that John Edwards just held a “secret meeting with Hillary
Clinton” and is “scheduled to sit down… with Barack Obama [on] Monday.” Okay. So either they’re all getting together to talk
about what happened on last night’s Gossip Girl (OMG! Can you
believe Blair?!), or Edwards is trying to figure out who he’ll
endorse for president. (Just a reminder, John: Obama will bring
this country happiness and light and peace and unicorns, while
Hillary’s daughter is a prostitute.) MEANWHILE… Former
presidential candidate (and Frodo Baggins look-alike) Dennis
Kucinich is also mulling over whom to endorse! “Well, let’s see,”
he said to no one in particular. “Hillary’s plan for health care seems
better, but Obama’s such a breath of fresh air! Oh, who, am I fooling?
Gandalf/Aragorn in 2008!”