MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11 After a relaxing weekend, the world awoke with a
start today upon hearing the horrifying rumor that Britney
Spears and her latest douchebaggy boytoy Adnan Ghalib got
secretly married in Mexico! Fortunately, however, the story was
reported in Star—a magazine only slightly more trustworthy
than the Bush administration. And while the story stinks of
fabrication, it nonetheless produced one gem of quote from a Spears
family “insider” who spoke of Ghalib in the following frighteningly
accurate terms: “In all my years, I’ve never seen as big a dirtbag
as this guy.” Hey, “insider”—you forgot to mention that you
“can’t look at him without wanting to ceaselessly punch him in the
face.” Maybe next article. MEANWHILE… The far-more factually
correct Life & Style magazine reported today that Britney
went on a bit of a spending spree during 2007—to the tune
of $60 million! Though once estimated by Forbes magazine
to be worth $100 million, Britney’s bank account has dwindled to an
embarrassing $40 million. (That’s barely enough to keep
“Sinster” Sam Lutfi in gold-threaded sweat socks!) Where has she
been spending her cash? Here’s a partial breakdown: $192,000 per year
goes to general “shopping,” $1.2 million goes to vacationing, while she
pays $15,000 in alimony PER MONTH (hey, K.Fed needs his
Cheetos). Plus, health insurance and medical expenses aren’t cheap,
which is why she spends $1 million per year (with her doctors raking in
$86,000 a month), and since it costs a lot of moolah to dress that
trashy, Britney spends $16,000 per MONTH on clothing. (No wonder
she doesn’t wear underpants! After purchasing a $16,000 slutty top and
Juicy shorts set, who can afford it?)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12 The writers’ strike is
over—which means we can go back to not watching the TV we
weren’t watching in the first place. MEANWHILE… With
Valentine’s Day just around the corner, let’s share the most romantic
story of the day… 40-year-old former child actor Gary Coleman (otherwise known as Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes) announced
today he was secretly married for the first time last August!
For those keeping up with the diminutive actor’s career, Coleman had
all but given up on love when he met 22-year-old Shannon
Price, a “champion eBayer.” Isn’t that romantic? Though she
stands a full foot taller than Coleman, Price remarked, “He was 10-feet
tall to me… because he was sweet.” Isn’t that adorable? Coleman adds, “We may go a week and not speak to each other.”
Well… sure. No relationship’s perfect! Price continued, “He
lets his anger conquer him sometimes. He throws things around,
and sometimes he throws it in my direction.” Ummm… huh? “I
don’t like the violence,” she said. “I really don’t.” Ooooh-kay.
Well, congratulations to the happy couple. (Psst! Next story,
quick!) MEANWHILE… How’s this for a romantic headline:
“O.J. Simpson’s Girlfriend Hospitalized with Severe Head
Injury.” Now before you jump to conclusions, there’s a fairly good
to middling chance that O.J. is not to blame for this one.
According to the cops’ investigation, her injuries are “consistent”
with “a fall” she reportedly took at a gas station. Don’t you hate it
when you slip and fall (multiple times) on O.J. Simpson’s gas pump?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Pop star and teen idol du jour Miley Cyrus (the one with the teeth) and father Billy Ray
Cyrus (the one riding the coattails of his daughter’s career)
apologized today for… brace yourselves… failing to wear
their seatbelts in a scene from their newest concert movie. “We got
caught up in the moment of filming,” Billy Ray said, “and we made a
mistake and forgot to buckle our seatbelts. SEATBELT SAFETY IS VERY
IMPORTANT.” Now… would anyone ELSE like to bitch about our
incessant Britney Spears’ coverage? WE DIDN’T THINK SO.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Rest easy, citizens of the world:
Mentally f lailing pop singer Britney Spears will not be allowed to make a single decision on her own for at least the next
three weeks. The Spears family was in court again today, where the
judge granted hillbilly pop Jamie Spears an extension on his
“temporary conservatorship”—meaning Britney is not allowed
to make any purchases, business decisions, marry anyone in
Mexico, destroy an SUV with a baseball bat, kidnap her children,
gobble handfuls of unprescribed pharmaceuticals, talk with a
fake British accent, wear pink wigs, take the advice of “Sinister”
Sam Lutfi, blog, or flash her va-heena. In other words… WHAT
CAN SHE DO? Here’s a partial list: She can sit in her padded
room, choose between either a pink or mauve straitjacket, and be fed a
bowl of oatmeal for lunch. Oh! And if she’s a very good girl? In three
weeks she’ll be allowed to drool!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15 Star Jones, who recently was fired
from both The View and Court TV, has found a new
job—performing in The Vagina Monologues. Page Six
reports that Jones and her vagina (shudder) performed a segment of the
play entitled “Short Skirt” tonight in Washington, DC. That’s SO
weird—”Star Jones in a short skirt” is the exact phrase we use
when Kip gets “in the mood” and we have a “headache.” (Try it out,
ladies! It’s better than shoving them in a cold shower!)
MEANWHILE… Earlier this week, E! Online reported that Paris
Hilton‘s brother, 18-year-old Barron Hilton, was arrested
earlier this week for drunken driving. Allow us to be the first to
say… THANK YOU, Barron! It’s been entirely too long since Paris did
anything incredibly stupid. By all means, keep doing your family proud.
MEANWHILE… Today the New York Times reported that
John McCain‘s presidential campaign plans to utilize
President George W. Bush sparingly, due to the president’s
unpopularity (his approval rating currently stands at an embarrassing
30 percent) and his likelihood to “drive away” independents and
moderate Democrats. Huh. Maybe McCain’s smarter than we thought.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16 “Boston has never
endorsed a political candidate, and with all due respect, would not
start by endorsing a candidate who is the polar opposite of most
everything Boston stands for,” ranted long-forgotten founder of Boston
(the band, not the city) Tom Scholz in a letter to
long-forgotten presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who’s
reportedly been using Boston’s 1976 song “More Than a Feeling” at
rallies. “By using my song, and my band’s name Boston, you have taken
something of mine and used it to promote ideas to which I am opposed.
In other words, I think I’ve been ripped off, dude!” (Note to
composers of classic rock: Put down the bong before writing your press
releases. Thank you.) MEANWHILE… Today “comedian” George
Lopez endorsed Barack Obama. “Finally, the all-important
Lopez endorsement!” Obama exclaimed when he heard the news. “At last!
The White House is as good as mine!” We’d like to take this opportunity
to thank both Lopez and that has-been from Boston for ensuring that, at
long last, Election 2008 has jumped the shark.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Today former first lady/zombie
look-alike Nancy Reagan fell in her Bel-Air home. (Don’t
worry… O.J. Simpson was nowhere around.) Republicans let out a
collective sigh of relief that Nancy, age 86, was uninjured, and did
not break a hip, as was initially feared. Don’t worry, conservatives:
Nancy—who’s currently the most dynamic, exciting, and modern
member of the GOP—is fine, so feel free to continue trotting out
the desiccated corpse of her husband for the 2008 election. (It’s like
Weekend at Bernie’s! That is, if Bernie wanted to keep fighting
a hopeless war and build an electrified wall to keep out the
Mexicans.)