MONDAY, MARCH 31 It’s kind of weird we haven’t thought of it before,
but… why aren’t more people stalking John Cusack? If you don’t
count Fatal Attraction and Single White Female, Say
Anything was one of the greatest stalker films of the last
century. And yet, it’s only now that someone is stalking John Cusack?
At least she’s being original about it: According to World
Entertainment News, the actor flagged down a cop last night after
allegedly seeing accused stalker Emily Leatherman skulking
around his residence. Apparently she was violating a 2006 restraining
order, in which Cusack accused her of “showing unusual interest by
stalking and throwing long letters of interest over my fence in bags
with rocks and screwdrivers inside.” He continues that she also
“makes unannounced visits… and lists my address as her own.”
Well, John, at least she’s not waking up the entire neighborhood by
standing around blasting “In Your Eyes” from a boombox. Like
they say, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones… or
screwdrivers.” MEANWHILE… Supermodel Naomi Campbell is
also breaking from her normal way of doing things—which is to say
she’s stopped throwing cell phones at assistants, and she’s started
spitting on cops! It was reported today that Campbell was
dragged from an airplane and arrested after a piece of her luggage went
missing and she flew into one of her famed black-out rages. “She
was out of control,” said one traumatized passenger. “She looked crazed
and psychotic. She was screaming at the staff, ‘This is a joke, right?
Get my bags on this flight! I am Naomi Campbell!‘” When
police arrived on the scene, Naomi calmed down enough to spit on one of
them, and then beat him with her fists. BUT SHE DIDN’T THROW A
SINGLE THING, which for Naomi is quite a big deal. Keep taking those
baby steps, Naomi, and… OWWW! The bitch just hit us with her cell
phone!

TUESDAY, APRIL 1 April Fools! Though the Bush administration
has been trying to prank us into believing that violence in Iraq has been greatly reduced since they ordered a major security
offensive, their joke fell apart when the actual numbers were
revealed today. According to data compiled by Iraq’s interior, defense,
and health ministries, 923 civilians were killed last
month, which is up 31 percent from February, making March the
deadliest month since last August. Maybe they should try to stick to
convincing us that our shoelaces are untied. MEANWHILE… Music
royalty Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted getting a
marriage license today. (Please tell us that’s a joke… please tell us
that’s a joke….) MEANWHILE… In other humorous (i.e.,
distressing) news, train-wreck Britney’s pregnant li’l sis
Jamie Lynn Spears is also getting hitched at the ripe old
age of 17. (PERSPECTIVE CHECK: Louisiana natives tend to get married
and pregnant at a much earlier age, or as they like to put it, “If
there’s grass on the field, play ball.”)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2 Wondering why you haven’t been hearing
much from Britney’s former lay-about hubby Kevin Federline?
Because he’s been too busy SPENDING ALL OF HER MONEY. As we’ve recently
reported, K.Fed not only gets a large monthly stipend from the
Britney estate, but she also pays for Kevin’s lawyers, who then proceed
to rob her of even more cash. However, as court documents have
revealed, K.Fed isn’t as cash-strapped as he appears. Here are just a
few ways he’s been spending Brit’s money: Leaving a $2,000 tip at Scores, a Las Vegas strip club; spending over $50,000 in room and board at Vegas casinos; purchasing a $589 pair of
Gucci pants; dropping $1,200 at a posh LA spa; $40,000 worth of blingy things were bought at Leor Jewelry;
$10,300 was spent only on his wardrobe (trucker hats
don’t grow on trees, you know); and most tellingly, he spent $477 at
a HoneyBaked Ham store. (Hey… Brit’s kids have got to eat!).

THURSDAY, APRIL 3 [EDITOR’S NOTE: Originally in this spot, Ann wrote some admittedly harsh words about Thomas Beatie, and has since apologized. We have removed her original remarks, and have replaced them with her apology. Thank you for your letters.] Dear readers of One Day at a Time: I’d like to take a moment to temporarily set aside the royal “we” I normally employ in order to address you personally. In last week’s column, I wrote an item about Thomas Beatie—who you all undoubtedly know as the Oregon transgendered man who is currently pregnant. I said some hurtful things that not only disparaged Beatie, but many people in the community, of all sexualities and gender identities. First things first: I was flat-out wrong—wrong when I vacillated between he/she pronouns, even though Beatie clearly identifies as a man, and wrong for dehumanizing and reducing Beatie to a series of parts (the “Mr. Potato Head” comment). For doing this, I deeply apologize. After a number of you sent in letters (see pg. 3), I went back to what I wrote, and was very disturbed by what I saw. In attempting to honestly express my confusion about how Beatie could be pregnant and still identify as a man, I only succeeded in further marginalizing some very worthy individuals who should be admired for bucking mainstream norms. While embarrassed by the way this item came across in print, I am happy and appreciative of those who took the time to educate me and open up this dialogue so everyone, especially myself, could learn from it. I promise to take this experience, and turn it into something positive via education on the subject. (I’ve started with some Trans 101 at t-vox.org—click on “transgender.”) And while I will probably continue to poke fun at Britney, K.Fed, Lindsay, President Bush, Tom Cruise, Emperor Klaktu (Who am I leaving out? Anyway, you get the picture), I’ll double my efforts to protect those who are less powerful. Again, I’m very sorry, and thank you for your letters and concern. ann@portlandmercury.com

FRIDAY, APRIL 4 Airplanes will kill you. Such was the
cheerful news delivered yesterday at a congressional hearing on air
travel, when it was revealed that Southwest Airlines has been allowing
planes to fly—even though they were fully aware that the
aircrafts had dangerous cracks in them. Sounds like Americans
will have to get used to driving more! MEANWHILE… Never mind.
Today gas prices hit yet another record high, with the national average
rising above $3.30 a gallon. Sounds like Americans will have to
get used to doing things at home! MEANWHILE… Okay, so you
might want to be careful with what you do at home. Wired has
reported that Popline—the federally funded, Johns
Hopkins-run database on public health—had blocked searches on the word “abortion” after a complaint from the anti-abortion
Bush administration. MEANWHILE… According to a New York
Times/CBS News poll, a whopping 81 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with the country’s direction! Hmm. Can’t imagine
the sort of things that would make Americans so unhappy, can you?

SATURDAY, APRIL 5 Greeting a crowd of 2,600, Hillary Clinton visited Portland Hillsboro today. Hosting a
town-hall-style meeting at a local high school, Clinton eschewed the
tactics of Barack Obama, who drew 13,000 when he spoke at
Portland’s Memorial Coliseum last month. (Clinton’s campaign insisted
that Hillary’s smaller events are intentional—which kinda reminds
us of when we were first dating Hubby Kip, and he’d pick us up
in his ’83 Ford Fiesta with a rusted-out muffler, and he’d
adorably try to convince us that if he wanted to, he could buy a
new car—he just didn’t “feel like it.” He told us not to be
fooled by those guys with new, nice cars, ones with AC and functional
seatbelts and tape decks that didn’t have Insane Clown Posse tapes stuck on constant repeat. Our point? We believe Hillary exactly
as much as we believed Kippers back then.) Anyhoo, later in the day,
when an audience member in Eugene asked Hillary if her attacks on Obama
were hurting the Democratic Party, Clinton responded, “Elections are
about choices, and you are supposed to present your case and you’re
supposed to critique the other case… It is not a coronation.
It is a contest.” In related news, today Barack Obama was fitted
for a crown, which should be ready no later than January 20, 2009.

SUNDAY, APRIL 6 So we’ve all heard about John
McCain‘s temper, right? How he regularly spazzes out and shouts
obscenities? Well, info surfaced today about a reported incident
during McCain’s 1992 senate campaign, in which McCain’s wife,
Cindy, tried to lighten things up after a stressful day. “You’re
getting a little thin up there,” Cindy teased while ruffling McCain’s
hair, to which McCain lovingly replied, “At least I don’t plaster on
the make-up like a trollop, you cunt.” Sooooooo…. is Obama’s
crown ready yet? Any chance we can get it with expedited shipping?