MONDAY, APRIL 14 It’s hard enough to do one’s job without having
one’s employer constantly jamming his hands down one’s pants. OH! We’re
not talking about our workplace (though we haven’t checked our
pants lately), but that of super nanny Jessica Gibson who
announced today that her employer, actor Rob Lowe, has allegedly
been acting totes sexually gross around her for the past seven
years. Besides accusing him of digging around inside her Calvin Kleins,
Gibson also claimed that Lowe frequently exposed himself to her,
groped her butt without consent (always ask first, fellas), and
that his wife Sheryl would “walk around the house naked and make vulgar comments about their sex life.” Honey—you
had me until that last part. While Lowe’s camp fiercely denies all
accusations, you should know it’s a married woman’s sacred right to
prance around nude, and make disparaging comments about her hubby in
the sack. For example, we’re nude right now, and Hubby Kip actually tried to make love to us last week while still wearing his
“She’s Fat, I’m Drunk, It’s ON!” T-shirt. MEANWHILE… Now,
we’ll agree that Britney was ruining her life. (What was the
first clue: when she was bashing an SUV with an umbrella, or being
carted out of her mansion on a gurney laughing hysterically?) But there
are many ways to ruin someone’s life, and being a
spokesperson for Bally’s Total Fitness is one of them.
First Brit’s hillbilly pop Jamie Spears booked her a gig on the
CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother, and now, according to TMZ,
he’s trying to secure her a deal doing commercials for the fitness
chain. Though a simply HORRIBLE career move, we gotta admit we can’t
wait to hear Britney say, “Bally’s Total Fitness: A 30-day trial
membership for only $19—and all the free corndogs you can eat,
y’all!”

TUESDAY, APRIL 15 We’ve been oft criticized for our
unwavering allegiance (okay, physical attraction) to Senator Barack
Obama—but we’re not the only ones! As it turns out, some very
heterosexual men also have big macho crushes on Barack,
including Jamie Foxx, Larry David, Ed Norton, Will Smith, Paul
Newman, and the equally perfect George Clooney. But when it
comes to sheer pelvic-thrusting masculinity, it’s going to be hard to
top Barack’s newest public supporter, Bruce Springsteen! The
Boss came out wholly in favor of Obama today, stating on his website,
“Sen. Obama, in my view, is head and shoulders above the rest.”
That’s right! A beautiful, handsome head sitting atop broad manly
shoulders! Obama then returned the compliment, saying to Springsteen,
“The America that Bruce Springsteen has spoken about through song is
one of big dreams, unyielding hope, and a resilient, hardworking people
who struggle and sacrifice for a country as good as its promise.” In
other words, America, Barack Obama wants you to wrap your legs around his velvet rims, and strap your hands across his engines,
‘cuz baby he was booooorn to ruuuuuuuun! WHOA! WHOA! WHOOOOOAAAAA!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16 Speaking of classic rock anthems…
ahem… “The Pope is back in town/The Pope is back in town!/The Pope is
back in tow-ow-ow-ownn/The Pope is back in town!” That’s right, folks,
Benedict XVI—the only pope who could scare the poop out of
Darth Vader—came to America today for his Guilt Trip ’08
Tour. To his credit, he quickly addressed the problem of
pedophilic priests. To his discredit, he thinks it’s all YOUR
fault. While Pope Benedict chided the bishops for mishandling the
scandal surrounding sexually abused children in the church, he went on
to note that we should also “address the sin of abuse within the
wider context of sexual mores” while reassessing “the values
underpinning society.” As he put it, “What does it mean to speak of
child protection when pornography and violence can be viewed in
so many homes through media widely available today?” SO IN OTHER WORDS,
if you would please stop logging on to nudetube.com, maybe our priests would
stop sticking their penises into children’s bottoms. (If the pope
really wanted to help, maybe he’d like to teach Hubby Kip how to
erase his internet browsing history. Really, Kip? Nudetube.com?)

THURSDAY, APRIL 17 In some much-needed good news, Oregonian/bigot
admirer Kristy Lee Cook has been kicked off American
Idol. As previously mentioned in this column, Cook is a big fan
of the Reverend John Hagee, who has been very outspoken in his
distaste for homosexuals, abortion, and New Orleans (he
claimed Hurricane Katrina was God’s revenge against the city). And
though her recent pukey rendition of “God Bless the USA” kept her on
the show longer than she deserved, America eventually wised up, and
FINALLY sent the blonde Christian bombshell packing. In a related
story, there is a God.

FRIDAY, APRIL 18 Today Suri, that adorable little bag
of adorableness who had the misfortune to be born to movie
star/religious nut Tom Cruise and his imprisoned child bride,
Katie Holmes, has turned two years old! We’d offer our congrats,
but Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII beat us to it. “Congratulations
and exaltations, oh tiniest of Cruises!” the emperor roared when
reached for comment via intergalactic holo-tube. “Word of your
Earthling celebration has reached us here even on the ninth moon of
Xangar—and believe my words when I report that even my surly
Thangarian snare-beasts scream in delight! As the mighty L. Ron
Hubbard prophesied, ‘When the seed of Maverick is but 24
Luna-cycles of age, soon will come the time when the tiniest of Cruises
will rise up, burning Thetans with her laser-bolt eyes before
growing to enormous size and smiting aside puny Earth tanks and jets
with a massive copy of Dianetics!’ Continents will tremble and
armies will cower in fear from horrific sights not glimpsed since
Rick Moranis‘ humorous Earth-film Honey I Blew Up the
Kid! The final days are near, and the battlefield of Earth shall
soon be ravaged and cleansed!” (See? We were totes going to send a card
and teddy bear— but how are we supposed to top that?)

SATURDAY, APRIL 19 NOBODY PANIC. Sandra Bullock is okay! Last
night in Gloucester, Massachusetts, Bullock—the star of over 500
embarrassingly bad romantic comedies you only watch after being dumped,
and while wearing lavender sweatpants with a rapidly shrinking gallon
of Cherry Garcia balanced on your stomach—was involved in
a head-on collision! A drunken driver in a station wagon (who,
shockingly, was not Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or
Lindsay Lohan) veered onto the wrong side of the road and
collided with Sandy’s SUV. According to the Associated Press, no one
was hurt, and Sandy was “gracious” and concerned about the whole thing.
(Just curious: What flavor of Ben & Jerry’s do you eat if Sandra
Bullock dies in a fiery car wreck?)

SUNDAY, APRIL 20 It’s old, old, old news—like
Neolithic old news—that the Bush administration has
been lying to us for almost eight years, but the scope of their
deception continues to astonish. Today the New York Times published the results of an investigation that discovered a terrifying
“Pentagon information apparatus” that’s truly Orwellian in its
machinations. According to the Times, many retired military
officers who now work as “military analysts” for television and
print news organizations have been manipulated by the
Pentagon—told what to say and how to say it, in order to
“generate favorable news footage of the administration’s wartime
performance.” Observing a “symbiotic relationship where the usual
dividing lines between government and journalism had been
obliterated,” the Times found that the group of analysts
were like “a kind of media Trojan horse” for the Pentagon. Fox News,
CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, National Public Radio, and even the Times itself, often unwittingly, paid analysts for their
opinions—which the Pentagon had been kind enough to furnish
for them, and was pleased to find the analysts “faithfully echoed
talking points” crafted by Donald Rumsfeld and his team. So in
other words: Never trust the news. (Except the stuff that’s in
the Mercury! Cross our hearts and hope to die, Donald Rumsfeld
has never even mentioned the name “Sandra Bullock.”)