MONDAY, APRIL 28 As reported last week in One Day, teen idol
Miley Cyrus is a dirty little slut. Hey, that’s not our opinion!
Personally, we’ve got FAR more incriminating pictures floating around
the internet than poor Miley’s Vanity Fair photo
shoot, in which she had the audacity to expose her bare
back! (GASP!) However, after the way her bosses at the Disney
Channel reacted to the shoot, you’d think she’d just starred in a
porno entitled Hand-on Banana. (That was supposed to be a dirty
play on words for Miley’s show Hanna Montana—butit didn’t
quite work, did it?) After making her publicly apologize for the
pictures, Disney Channel honchos went on to chastise the magazine,
accusing them of deliberately “manipulating a 15-year-old in
order to sell magazines.” In other words, if anyone’s going to be
manipulating teenagers, it’s gonna be the Disney Channel! (Get your
High School Musical bra and panty set—on sale now!)
MEANWHILE… More trouble from naughty nanny land! As you also
remember from last week, actor Rob Lowe (the guy who played
saxophone in St. Elmo’s Fire) and his wife were charged with
being sexually gross by his former nanny—and this week? Yet
ANOTHER former nanny has jumped in the fray. Though all charges have
been vehemently denied by the Lowe camp, according to People,
ex-nanny Laura Boyce has accused wife Sheryl of “creating an
extremely sexually offensive and hostile work environment…
behaving in a perverted, disgusting, and crude manner.” (Jeez! She’s
making Mrs. Lowe sound like Hubby Kip after three
Löwenbräus and a Girls Gone Wild DVD. Question for our
lawyer: Does picking up a husband’s underpants constitute a “work
environment”?)

TUESDAY, APRIL 29 Ratings for TV’s American Idol have
been plummeting steadily—but leave it to loopy Paula Abdul to drag the show back into the national spotlight. In tonight’s
episode, the audience was told by host Ryan Seacrest that the
contestants would sing twice—but would not be judged by the panel
until after their second song. However, at the last second,
producers flipped the script, having the contestants line up after
their first song for quick comments from the panel. Now, the
producers should have known that this sort of mental flexibility would
be far too much for the pharmaceutically addled brain of Paula. Not
only did Paula give detailed criticism to contestant Jason
Castro for his first song, but also for his second—which he
had not yet performed. WHOOPS. Fortunately, Ryan also has a
syndicated radio show, which allows tortured panelists like Paula to
call in, and explain their fuck-ups. “So I’m like, ‘Omigod, what do
we do?‘” Paula babbled as she described the previous night’s
events. “I was reading the critique of what I had written for Jason
Castro, and on the same page, I also wrote David [Cook]… I got
lost on my notes.” To which Ryan swiftly added, “So you were
talking about two different people, but accidentally, you said second
song.” OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! Seacrest is leading the witness! We
declare a mistrial on the grounds that the defendant is whacked out of
her gourd on goofballs!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30 This just in: pop diva Mariah
Carey and relatively unknown actor Nick Cannon are married
after a less than two-monthwhirlwind romance, and …
umm… hold on, that’s our cell. Hello? Oh, hi Mom, thanks for calling
us back! Guess what?Remember when we told you that our gossip career
was ruined when Britney divorced K.Fed and got
sober? Well! Guess what happened today!
MEANWHILE…Supposedlythere’s a 40-year-old Jimi Hendrix sex
tape. EWW! (Did they even have sex back then?)
MEANWHILE… Pioneering newswoman and co-host of The View Barbara Walters has confessed to enjoying a lengthy
affair with married Republican Senator Edward Brooke during
the ’70s. Again… EWW! (Enough with the old-timey sex talk!)
MEANWHILE… To celebrate the release of her new CD Hard
Candy, a nearly 50-year-old Madonna performed in
concert tonight with Justin Timberlake, and spent much of her
time onstage grinding her genitalia against that of her 27-year-old
co-star. Oh, for the love of… EWW! (Look, we don’t mind if old people
still choose to have sex. BUT MUST YOU KEEP REMINDING US OF THE
FACT?)

THURSDAY, MAY 1 In election news, poor Hillary Clinton was jilted today by one of her longtime superdelegate
supporters, former Democratic National Party Chairman Joe
Andrew. Not only did Andrew urge Democrats to throw their support
to the dreamiest of dreamboats Barack Obama, but he added that
“a vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote to continue [a destructive
campaign]… a vote to continue this process is a vote that assists
John McCain.” OUCH. In response, Hillary told ABC’s
Nightline, “I think this [process] has been good for the
Democratic Party… people can decide however they want, and…
and… you people are really starting to hurt my feelings!”

FRIDAY, MAY 2 Sixty-one million dollars. According to
In Touch magazine, that’s how much money Britney Spears has lost in the past few years! Apparently, when Brit’s dad,
Jamie, took over her finances earlier this year (right around
the same time he started making sure she was wearing underwear whenever
she left the house, and that she couldn’t have any dessert unless she
finished her vegetables), he was shocked to discover just how much
Britta’s head-shaving, umbrella-bashing, vaheena-baring exploits had
cost. That $61 million? We can only guess it went to booze, drugs,
tacky clothes, rehab costs, court fees, and the occasional alimony
check/Cheetos stipend she was legally obligated to send ex-husband
Kevin Federline. (OH. And Brit also has to give us a nickel for
every time we say, “We told you so!”)

SATURDAY, MAY 3 Patrick Swayze is still alive! You
might remember that over two months ago, the National Enquirer learned Swayze had pancreatic cancer, and insisted he only had five
weeks to live. Well, nuts to you, National
Enquirer—today Swayze was seen out shopping near his
home in Los Angeles, something that, obviously, only people who are
alive can do. Reaction from bystanders was varied. “He’s just so
brave,” 56-year-old housewife Melinda Wallace of Palo Alto
noted. “He’s a real fighter!” Meanwhile, another observer, who wished
to remain anonymous, mumbled, “I just don’t get what’s taking so long,”
adding “I feel like I’ve been following this dude around forever.”
Sighing, he then brushed some cat hair off of his tattered black robes
and continued to sharpen an ominous-looking scythe.

SUNDAY, MAY 4 “The stories are not okay,” Katie Holmes has
whined to Vanity Fair, whining about the constant gossip
surrounding herself, Tom Cruise, and their daughter,
Suri. “It’s really frustrating, the amount of shit that’s out
there… This is my family.” Allow us to be the first to apologize,
dear: In the future, we will do our best to only to write
sympathetically and tastefully about how you may be a brainwashed
child bride who’s been paid off to squeeze out offspring for a
psychopathic cult member. Our bad! MEANWHILE… Carrie Fisher has spilled the beans, making vague claims that
she and Harrison Ford had a tryst on the set of the
original Star Wars. “I had a crush on Harrison,” the actress
admits. “Harrison is great fun when he’s had a few drinks. Once I left
the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of
clothes.” Just for the record, Carrie Fisher is 51 and Ford is
65… and so, once again, EWW! Does that mean that old people
also have sex in the future??