MONDAY, MAY 12 As spring turns into summer, it’s time once again to
reach deep into our closets, throw out those hideous shoes from last
fall, and slip into some new darling kicks (preferably from
Balenciaga). However, as we already know, Hollyweird celebs toss
out people instead of shoes, and Kate “Dr. Kevorkian” Hudson has
done exactly that with the perennially suicidal Owen Wilson. The
on-again/off-againtwosome have once again gone splitsville,
according to E! Online, which says, “The duo are no longer on speaking
terms, following a blowout over allegations that Owen was flirting
with other women.” Okay, since Owen is the one who nearly killed
himself, we’re going to take his side on this one. Maybe he wasn’t
flirting, and just comparing euthanasia tips? MEANWHILE… Speaking of new shoes, guess who was spied canoodling (AKA
“holding hands, kissing, and cuddling”) in Paris, France? Lindsay
Lohan and “very special” lady-friend DJ Samantha Ronson. Now
we’re not insinuating LiLo has gone LesBo, but we will say this: If
shoes were people? Ronson is a sensible pair of loafers.
MEANWHILE… Our spring/summer romance theme continues with the
latest scoop from the new John Mayer/Jennifer Aniston fling.
Once again, the pair have been spotted galloping around Miami,
and—damn it. We promised ourselves we would stop using horse
imagery when referring to poor Jennifer’s long face, and we’re
going to do it! Anyway, everyone has been wondering why Jennifer is so
head over hooves… we mean HEELS, for Mayer and according to New
York’s Daily News, Johnny-boy has one very big
thing going for him. IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. Okay, fine. He’s
supposedly hung like a horse—which would explain why
Jennifer is so giddy… up. DAMN IT, WE CAN’T STOP!

TUESDAY, MAY 13 Never to be outdone by Jennifer Aniston,
hubby-stealing harpy/humanitarian Angelina Jolie let it slip
that she’s pregnant with twins. Reportedly due on August
19, these will be the fifth and sixth children for Angie and Jen’s
ex-hubby Brad Pitt. Asked if this news bothered her, Aniston
paused from staring at her horsy-hung boytoy to say, “Neigghhh!”
(Sorry… it can’t be helped.) MEANWHILE… Here’s a
stomach-turning tidbit: Recovering pop tart Britney Spears has
hopped aboard a private jet with recovering drunken anti-Semite Mel
Gibson for a Costa Rican getaway. BUT WAIT. Before you vomit
into your adorable Stella McCartney handbag, apparently Britney’s
hillbilly pop and Mel’s wifey are also along for the
ride, and it’s all perfectly innocent. That is, if you consider
meetings for the “Disgraced Celebrity Club” innocent. (Hey, who forgot
to invite Michael Richards and Hitler?)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14 More spring romance, and this time, love has
bloomed between presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack
Obama and his former competitor John Edwards. The devilishly
handsome Edwards officially endorsed the devilishly handsome
Obama today in an explosion of devilish handsomeness. “There is one man
who knows in his heart there is time to create one America, not two,”
Edwards said, “and that man is Barack Obama.” Candidate Hillary
Clinton could not be located for response, because frankly,
everyone was too blinded by Obama and Edwards’ devilishly handsome
smiles.

THURSDAY, MAY 15 It was a great day for California gays when
the state’s Supreme Court overturned a ban on same-sex marriage,
sending the state’s gay-loving supporters (and wedding industry) into
spasms of joy. This means one thing… GAY CELEBRITY WEDDINGS! First off we have talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, who announced
on her show that she will be getting gay-marriaged to hottie gal-pal
Portia de Rossi. (BTW, Hubby Kip attempted to make
a disparaging remark about the gorgeous de Rossi’s gay marriage, saying
“Now that’s a sad waste of…” but was stopped short after seeing us
clutching a frying pan. Yes, sometimes the old ways are still the best
ways.) MEANWHILE… Guess who else is getting gay celebrity
married? George “Sulu” Takei from Star Trek! He and his
longtime partner of 21 years, Brad Altman, have happily
announced that they too will be getting hitched. (Here to provide One
Day with the requisite Star Trek joke is Trekkie nerd, Hubby
Kip.) “NOT FAIR!” screamed the Salt Vampire—from the
classic season one “The Man Trap” episode. “Just because I jump
Enterprise crew members and suck the salt from their bodies, I can’t
marry outside my own species? By the way, Portia de Rossi marrying
Ellen is a sad waste of sweet ass. YES! Snuck it in! High five!”

FRIDAY, MAY 16 You know, it’s getting harder to continue our theme
of springtime romance with Jennifer “My Pretty Pony” Aniston and
John “Long Dong” Mayer insisting on grossing everybody out. This
week, Us Weekly ran a nauseating spread of paparazzi photos of
the couple (with captions like “He sunscreened his sweetie!” and “Their
frisky water frolic!”). But as interesting as it is to see a
has-been singer (whose penis looks like something hanging in a butcher
shop window) kissing Mr. Ed, let’s not forget the real victim
here: Jessica Simpson. Us reports that Jessica, who once
dated Mayer, has been “heartbroken” by his romance with
Aniston—leading Simpson to break up with her current boyfriend,
Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo! “It really puts the knife in Jess,” an
unnamed source says, while another adds that Jessica’s been
self-medicating—going on four-hour-long drinking binges!
(Oh, honey. Four hours? You can do better than that! We don’t even
start drunk dialing Barack Obama until sometime around hour
seven.)

SATURDAY, MAY 17 And it only gets worse! Today lovelorn Jessica
Simpson was forced to serve as the maid of honor for her sister’s
wedding. That’s right: Ashlee “The Other, Less Talented” Simpson and Pete “The Dweeb Who Wears Guyliner” Wentz got married today in a creepy-sounding ceremony at the Simpson home. Why the
creepiness? First, the wedding reportedly had an Alice in
Wonderland theme, and second, Jessica and Ashlee’s pervy
father/manager, Joe Simpson, performed the ceremony. (Ewww!)
Mark our words, readers: lip-syncing pop stars, teenybopper rockers,
suspiciously involved father/managers, AND a jealous, drunken sister?
This is how cults start. MEANWHILE… In her ongoing attempt to
kill the adorable Owen Wilson, cold-hearted witch Kate
Hudson is already seeing other people—like 80-year-old
bicyclist/professional cancer victim Lance Armstrong. God,
Kate—we aren’t even your suicidal ex-boyfriend, and the idea of
you doing it with that guy (does he leave his “Live Strong” bracelet
on?) makes us want to call up Jess and spend some quality time with our
mutual friends Bartles & Jaymes.

SUNDAY, MAY 18 Today Barack Obama, the dreamy, brilliant, and
inspiring Democratic nominee for president, visited Portland’s
Waterfront Park—and was greeted by a record-setting crowd of
75,000 people! Obama remarked Portland was “the most spectacular
setting and most spectacular crowd in this entire campaign.” And we’re
pretty sure he said that while looking straight at us. Jealous, much?
MEANWHILE… Lest anyone accuse us of being biased, we should
also note that someone named Hillary Clinton was also in town
this weekend. “This race isn’t over yet!” Clinton told her audience, in
what her campaign called an “intimate town hall-style” appearance. “We still have a chance to win this thing, and I hope that,
come Tuesday, you’ll honor me with your vote. Any questions?”
Sixteen-year-old Timothy Brown, a professional sandwich artist at the
Subway where Clinton was speaking, asked “That’s great, ma’am. Now, do
you want olives, or not?” MEANWHILE… It only seems fitting to
close this week out with another tale of romance. According to Us
Weekly (which is practically doing our job for us this
week—thanks, Us! Mwah!), the once-acrimonious couple of
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline might be
reconciling! Federline, according to yet another unnamed source,
“is amazed at how good [Britney’s] progress is. They could get back
together.” Oooh, we’re not too sure how Mel Gibson is going to
feel about this!