MONDAY, MAY 19 Love continues to improve the smell of Tinselturd! As
sickeningly reported last week in One Day, “romance” has replaced Ugg
boots as the latest Hollyweird fashion. Take for example today, when a
million teenage masturbatory fantasies were cruelly shattered after it
was announced that hotsy-totsy Jessica Alba got secretly
married. According to World Entertainment News, Jess and her
no-name boytoy Cash Warren applied for a marriage license, and
40 minutes later exchanged vows at the Beverly Hills Courthouse. Not
even the pair’s family or friends were informed of the union until
afterward—so you can just imagine how Hubby Kip felt. He
and his buddies held a private ceremony this afternoon in our backyard,
in which they burned their copies of Jessica’s appearance in
Playboy, and sobbed quietly in each other’s arms. Well, at least
it gets them out of the house. MEANWHILE… Well, here’s an item
that’ll put you off your soup. As reported last week, Jennifer
Aniston is ecstatic about her new BF John Mayer, mainly
because he has a huge penis (allegedly). Now, if it ended there,
that would be one thing… BUT SHE WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. According to the National Enquirer, sources close to Jen say
she’s claiming that John is better in bed than both former
hubster Brad Pitt and hairy-backed Neanderthal Vince
Vaughn. “Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover,” the
source gushed. “In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between
the sheets.” Umm… EWW! But yes, there’s more. A source tells
Star, “She is having the best sex of her life with
John… and she’s loving every minute of it!” Okay! EWWW! And
yes, it gets worse! “According to the source,” Star writes, “the
singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off,
tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her
goosebumps.” EWWWWWWW!! One girl’s “goosebumps” is another
girl’s “skin crawling”!

TUESDAY, MAY 20 It was election day here in Oregon,
and not only did Portland elect its first openly gay mayor (AND
the only gay mayor in any of the top 30 American cities… suck it, San
Fran!), our state came out strong for the dreamboatiest of all
dreamboats, Barack Obama, who defeated Hillary Clinton 54
percent to 41 percent. Now that everyone (except Hillary, of course)
realizes that Obama is going to be the Democratic nominee, it’s time
for him to select a vice president… and though we realize
Obama doesn’t always return our phone messages, emails, and texts, we
do feel he listens to our opinion on such matters. Therefore, if
Obama is looking for the absolute perfect running mate, only one name
will automatically vault him into the White House: And that name is
George… Clooney. (Oh, c’mon! Like you were surprised?)
MEANWHILE… In very sad news, Democratic Senator Ted
Kennedy has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. And
while this has inspired an outpouring of condolences from both sides of
the aisle, you can always count on at least one right-wing dickweed to
say something stupid. This time it was conservative radio host
Michael Savage, who put together a “funny” little skit that
included the Arnold Schwarzenegger Kindergarten Cop phrase, “It’s not a tumor,” and ended with a song from the
Dead Kennedys. Locally, Savage appears on 750 KXL, whose number
is 503-243-7595—just in case you want to tell them how HILARIOUS
Savage is.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21 Speaking of funny cancer jokes, the already
deteriorated relationship between Charlie Sheen and ex-wifey
Denise Richards has somehow managed to deteriorate even further!
The two have been waging an all-out war with each other in the
press, and this week, Charlie accused Denise of sending an email to his
fiancée asking for some of Sheen’s sperm so she could
impregnate herself. Naturally, Denise denied the accusation to the
New York Post, using the infallible logic, “I don’t want
Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm.” (Hey… that wouldn’t
be a bad title for a Broadway musical.) Then, after Denise allegedly
sent Charlie a text message asking if he’d like to attend their
daughter’s “Family Day” at school, he allegedly responded, “I
hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join
your stupid mom [who also died of cancer]. Rot in hell you fucking
whore.” See, now we think these two crazy kids really love each
other and should give it just one more chance. (Just don’t mention
“Family Day” again, okay?)

THURSDAY, MAY 22 Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake is
supposedly marrying that slut Jessica Biel. Now if you’ll
excuse us, our friends and ourselves will be in the backyard, burning
our 2006, 2007, and 2008 Justin Timberlake swimsuit calendars, and
sobbing quietly in each other’s arms.

FRIDAY, MAY 23 In cheerier news, remember when two little
words—”Lindsay” and “Lohan“—could keep this
column going for weeks? Whether she was drunkenly stealing
SUVs or drunkenly feuding with Paris Hilton (we think of
those halcyon days as “The Firecrotch Years“), Linds was always
up to something! So let’s check in with her and see what’s up: At a bar
last week, Lohan’s DJ friend Samantha Ronson reportedlyplayed
Lindsay’s new single, “Bossy”—amove which, according to
thealways-reliable National Enquirer, sent “Linds into a
frenzy,” with the starlet jumping onto a couch, dancing, and
lip-syncing, to the derision of her fellow clubbers. All that we have
to say about this dismal affair? Lindsay, we are very, very
disappointed. Next time, put a little effort into it! Are you even
trying to commandeer SUVs anymore? MEANWHILE… Brangelina continued to lead their ludicrously charmed lives
this week by buying a $60 million French estate. According to E!,
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie‘s new home boasts “35
bedrooms, plus a vineyard, lake, forest, and moat.” “It’s called
Chateau Miraval in a village called Brignol, which is near
Aix-en-Provence,” an incredibly pretentious source told E! between
nibbles of brie and sips of pinot. We’re sure we’ll get our Evite for
the housewarming soon, dear readers—we’ll keep you in the loop
with deets!

SATURDAY, MAY 24 This week’s installment of real (i.e.,
“depressing”) news kicks off with the world’s richest man musing on the
current state of the US economy. In an interview, investor Warren
Buffett stated that the current recession “will be deeper and last
longer than many think.” (Jimmy Buffett could not be reached for
comment, though he’s reportedly “quite troubled” by the uncertainty
around margarita futures.) MEANWHILE… Thanks to the fact that
gasoline now costs a couple of million dollars a gallon, this week
airlines raised their ticket prices, by up to $60. Here’s hoping Ang
and Brad are picking up our airfare to France! MEANWHILE… “It
is very disturbing if talented directors want to provoke a new Cold
War,” communist lawmaker Andrei Andreyev threatened from
Moscow this weekend, following the Russian Communist Party’s call for a
boycott of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
According to the Associated Press, Russian commies feel the film “aims
to undermine communist ideology and distort history,” and they’re none
too pleased with Cate Blanchett‘s portrayal of a foxy
psychic/dominatrix/KGB agent. Trust us, comrades—Hubby Kip dragged us to see Harrison Ford wobble about like an Alzheimer’s victim
for two hours, and in terms of people taking anything in the
film seriously? You have nothing to worry about. (On the upside, the
flick did keep Kip from getting all mopey about Jessica Alba for
a few hours, so we’ll likely be seeing it again next weekend.
Sigh.)

SUNDAY, MAY 25 Hillary Clinton is still running for
president (assuming that by “running for president” one means “doing a
fantastic job of confusing and angering just about everyone”)! The
Associated Press reported today that Clinton is still calling for
another debate between herself and Barack Obama—and now
she’s even begging for it to happen in Puerto Rico. Says the AP:
“[Clinton] continued her plea in Penuelas, Puerto Rico, standing
outside a restaurant while less than 100 people gathered on a
dirt walkway.” (Oh, sorry—there’s been an error. This item should
have been filed under yesterday’s installment of depressing news. Our
bad!)