It’s time again to fill our martini glass with the cheapest gin imaginable and release our nominations for the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012 Ever! Last year it was malodorous gargoyle Kim Kardashian—who will top the list in 2012? Here are the top nine nominees… with the absolute worst person in the world for 2012 (ever) getting their own column next week! ENJOY! (Grimace.)—Ann
#10 “WORST PERSON”: SNOOKI
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3 This weekend on Jersey Shore, America’s creepy little living troll doll, Snooki, had a teeny accident. As thesuperficial.com noted in its Pulitzer-worthy coverage of the momentous episode, Snooks “just literally starts peeing all over the dance floor of a club before going to the ladies’ room and spraying her hooch with perfume before anyone can figure out it was her.” You still with us, dears? Good because there’s more, and we can’t deal with it all on our own: “It’s almost impressive how quickly she moves,” the Superficial adds, “until you realize she’s done this before and left God knows how many victims in her piss-wake.” MEANWHILE… “FINALLY!” said Fergie. “Finally, another D-list celebrity has an ‘accident’ in public! Now will you shameless gossipmongers please stop making fun of me for peeing my pants onstage in 2009? Will you? Will you?!” (Confidential to “F”: No. Never forget.)
#9 “WORST PERSON”: GWYNETH PALTROW
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
According to InStyle magazine, the worst person in the world (other than Kim Kardashian) Gwyneth Paltrow only lets her children watch TV if it’s in “French or Spanish.” Because she’s the worst person in the world (other than, of course, Kim Kardashian).
#8 “WORST PERSON”: LINDSAY LOHAN
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22
And now it’s time for the “Lindsay Lohan Legal Tip of the Day.” TMZ tells us that LiLo is being seriously eyeballed by police for an incident that went down this past weekend at a posh Hollywood Hills party in which the owner was robbed of “several expensive watches and sunglasses”—and of course, Lindsay’s pals are the primary suspects! The owner of the multi-million dollar mansion who was tossing the all-night soiree invited Lindsay, who in turn brought along brother Cody, her assistant, and the two allegedly skeevy suspects. Lindsay and crew were leaving the party around noon the next day (!!), when the owner suddenly discovered he’d been robbed, and told everyone to stay until the police arrived. Now—here comes the legal advice to which everyone should always adhere: When the cops began to question Lindsay about the stolen articles, she replied, “Am I a suspect?” When the cops answered, “no,” Lindsay bid them both a good day and hopped on the next flight out of state. NICE. (Don’t be shocked! When you get into as much trouble as Lindsay, you learn a thing or two about the law.)
#7 “WORST PERSON”: KRISTEN STEWART
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25 Us Weekly has obtained photos of Twilight‘s 22-year-old Kristen Stewart—romantically involved for years with co-star/glitter-skinned vampire Robert Pattinson—steamily making out with her 41-year-old Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders… who just so happens to be MARRIED. Oooooooh!! And also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! Realizing she was stone-cold busted, Kristen issued a quick public apology: “I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.” Upon hearing this apology, a long-time Twilight fan hopped on Twatter to issue her statement. “EFF YOU KRISTEN…HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ROB…all he’s done was love you and you cheat on him AAAANNNNDDDDD YOUVE BEEN LYING FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG AT EVENTS AND SHIT and when it looked like you and rob were finally showing some PDA, it was a lie because you had cheated so THANKS.” So say we all, anonymous Twihard twatterer. So say we all.
#6 “WORST PERSON”: ASHTON KUTCHER
THURSDAY, MARCH 22 We’ve got some good and bad and more bad Ashton Kutcher news—which would you like to hear first? Okay, here’s THE BAD: According to today’s New York Daily News, gorgeous—but c’mon, let’s say it—dumb pop starlet Rihanna (who can’t seem to stay away from her former abuser Chris Brown) was spotted taking a late-night stroll into Ashton Kutcher’s Hollywood home (digest that. Now let’s continue.), where she stayed for four hours before finally slinking out at 4 am. Girl? We don’t even. THE GOOD: Ashton Kutcher is going to be flung into outer space! Too bad there’s THE MORE BAD: He’s actually paying $200,000 for a ride on Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo rocket plane, which is scheduled to carry him and other celebs for a joyride into outer space as soon as 2013. And… wait. This just in… MORE GOOD NEWS: “Don’t you worry, Ann,” said a sinister-sounding Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, gleefully rubbing his tentacles together. “I’ve got this one.”
TUESDAY, JUNE 26 The incessant rumors about a possible (ugh!) romantic relationship between the beautiful Mila Kunis and the douchebaggish Ashton Kutcher simply won’t stop. We reported on their three-day getaway outside of LA, this past spring—however, as of last week the pair has been spotted grabbing frozen yogurt as well as zooming about on his motorized douchebike, while this past weekend they were caught sharing a romantic bite to eat at LA’s intimate Giorgio Baldi restaurant. “[Ashton] looked really into her,” said a gabby eyewitness to this horrible spectacle. “He didn’t take his eyes off her once!” BLECHH!! Quick, Mila! Go take one of those Silkwood showers!
#5 “WORST PERSON”: DONALD TRUMP
TUESDAY, MAY 29 CNN’S Wolf Blitzer and “Mayor of Idiot Town” Donald Trump got into a hilarious televised slapfight today over the billionaire’s birther beliefs. After Trump repeatedly asserted his dumbshit theory that President Obama wasn’t born in this country, Wolf responded, “Donald, you’re beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you.” This caused Donald to shoot back, “No, I think YOU sound ridiculous“—at which point Trump’s toupee flipped up in the air, and a little bird wearing an “Uncle Sam” outfit popped out of his head, squawking, “I think this entire discussion is ridiculous.” Upon witnessing this, the Republican Party immediately dropped their nomination of Mitt Romney, and threw all their support behind “Uncle Sam the Bird Living inside Donald Trump’s Head.”
#4 “WORST PERSON”: NICOLE SCHERZINGER
TUESDAY, JANUARY 31
The second worst ugly monster bitch in the world (that would be Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls and judge for the terrible reality contest The X Factor) has been FIRED. According to the Hollywood Reporter, producers of The X Factor rightly recognized that Nicole had all the personality of an infected hangnail, and gave her the boot (along with host Steve Jones, and co-judge/funnier-when-she-was-high-on-pills Paula Abdul). Wheeeeeeeee!!
#3 “WORST PERSON: KIM KARDASHIAN
TUESDAY, JANUARY 31 The headline from Us says it all: “Kim Kardashian Dyes Her Hair!” According to the monster’s Twatter feed that included a picture of the new ‘do, “I dyed my hair lighter yesterday! I’m loving it! New hair color = new beginnings for me. You like?” First of all Kim, thank you for notifying us that you dyed your hair—otherwise we might have wondered, “Who’s that ugly monster bitch with light hair that looks like that other ugly monster bitch Kim Kardashian?” Secondly, your hair looks like shit. Thirdly, next time try dying your soul. Fourthly, and on second thought, just die.
SATURDAY, APRIL 7 What sounds like a painfully unfunny Saturday Night Live sketch continues to be an actual, painfully real occurrence, with TMZ now closely examining Kim Kardashian’s filthy neck for evidence of Kanye West nibbles. (Ugh. We just typed the words “Kanye nibbles.” UGH! We just did it again! KIP! PURELL, STAT!) “Psoriasis, shmoriasis,” the gossip site brays. “TMZ has uncovered THE TRUTH about the suspicious mark on Kim Kardashian’s neck… and it definitely originated from Kanye West’s mouth.” The correct response to this, dears, is, VOM.
#2 “WORST PERSON”: RUSH LIMBAUGH
FRIDAY, MARCH 2 Breaking news: Rush Limbaugh is a misogynistic prick. Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke recently spoke out about her campaign for contraception coverage at her Jesuit school, which naturally inspired Limbaugh to call her a “slut” and a “prostitute.” “She’s having so much sex she’s going broke buying contraceptives and wants us to buy them,” Limbaugh shouted. “What would you call someone who wants us to pay for her to have sex? What would you call that woman? You’d call them a slut, a prostitute.” And: “She’s having so much sex, she can’t afford it.” And: “She’s having so much sex it’s amazing she can walk.” We’ll stop there, because fuck you, Limbaugh. ON THE UPSIDE… Limbaugh’s comments might take him off the air, as droves of advertisers pulled their ads, and conservatives like House Speaker John Boehner and Rick Santorum called Limbaugh’s remarks “inappropriate” and “absurd.” In response to the blowback, Limbaugh grudgingly posted an online message that first insisted he was right (“I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability?” Blah blah blah blah BLAH), then tacked on a crappy little “apology.” “In the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir,” Limbaugh bragged. “I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.” Hey Rush, take it from someone else you’d probably call an immoral, baseless, no-purpose-to-her-life woman: You deserve every misery you have coming to you, you hateful sack of Oxy-addicted shit.
And our #1 WORST PERSON of 2012? Tune in next week to find out! Mwaaah!!—Ann