MONDAY, JUNE 9 Coming to you from Hollyweird with all the latest
nasty scoopage, it’s One Day at a Time! First on the agenda: IS
MADONNA GETTING A DIVORCE? According to not-necessarily-reliable
gossip site Holy Moly (the name doesn’t exactly inspire confidence,
does it?), Her Madg-esty has hired England’s scrappiest
barrister to represent her in a sure-to-be-ugly divorce from hubby
Guy Ritchie. (Unsurprisingly, Madonna’s reps strongly deny the
report.) According to the site’s sources, the pair have been “growing
apart” for some time now, and a split is in the works—which could
be problematic since the twosome allegedly never signed a
prenup. This means Ritchie is entitled to half of Madonna’s
fortune, which works out to be… hmmm… let’s see… HOLY CRAP! If we
marry and divorce George Clooney and Hubby Kip marries
and divorces Madonna, we are going to be so MONEY!
MEANWHILE… Apple CEO Steve Jobs introduced the new iPhone 3G today, which claims to provide
zippier internet access, GPS, and a $199 price tag. Oh, and if
you happen to have purchased one of the original, slower $500 models,
Steve Jobs may allow you to trade it in… as soon as he returns from
laughing his way to the bank.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10 Remember Dr. Drew Pinksy from that
MTV Loveline show (co-hosted with Adam Carolla)? Well,
Drew’s the latest minor celeb to really piss Tom Cruise off! In
a Playboy interview, Dr. Drew was waxing philosophic on
celebrity mental illness, and guess who came up in conversation? “Take
a guy like Tom Cruise,” Dr. Drew said. “Why would somebody be drawn
into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me,
that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious
neglect in childhood—maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”
Naturally, Tom’s handlers flipped out over the statements, and Dr. Drew
has since apologized—but not until he heard from Scientology’s
most famed and feared Grand Thetan Slayer, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel
VII. “YOU ARE A QUACK, DR. DREW!” Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII
roared, clenching his nine scaled hands into spiky fists of rage.
“Okay, so maybe I wasn’t the most attentive father to little
Tom—but obliterating entire galaxies and enslaving countless
alien races often took me away from his test tube! That said, Tom
Cruise is easily the most mentally capable of my 45,274 genetically
engineered offspring—and thus, upon my unfortunate but inevitable
demise, it shall be he who will take my place as the Exalted Tyrant
of the Universe! And then! Oh, then! Then you, Dr. Drew, shall rue
your foolhardy words! By the way, Loveline SUCKED after you got
rid of Carmen Electra!”

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11 Just for the record, conservative
Republicans are the biggest bunch of fucking liars on the
planet. Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama has barely
started his race against Republican John McCain, and the
internet lies are already spreading like wildfire. This week’s entry:
Conservative blogs are spreading the completely unsubstantiated rumor
that first lady hopefulMichelle Obama used the word
“whitey” in a speech from a church pulpit—a act obviously
intended to rouse America’s racist hillbillies into blind
obedient action. This follows on the heels of Fox News labeling
Michelle as “Obama’s baby mama,” and calling her fist bump with
her husband after his victory against Hillary Clinton a “terrorist
fist jab.” Okay, first of all, terrorists don’t give “fist jabs,”
because they’re too busy using conservative bloggers and media outlets
like Fox to spread waves of ugly dissent through this country
with the intent of tearing us apart. So if you can’t beat them…
MEANWHILE… Republican presidential nominee John
McCain starts each morning by beating his wife, drowning a bagful of
kittens, sodomizing baby pandas, and licking the scrotum of
Osama bin Laden while chanting, “O, sweet messiah! As soon as
I’m elected, I shall give you full access to our weapons arsenal, so
that you may reduce America to a nuclear cinder.” Wow. That guy is a
real jerk, isn’t he?

THURSDAY, JUNE 12 Okay, now this really has to stop. Today marks yet
another story about equine-visaged Jennifer Aniston, her
horsey-hung boytoy John Mayer, and their sex life. As previously
reported a billion times, Jen and John are having A LOT OF SEX.
Whoopee, we get it, can we please moveon.org? Apparently not, because as a
source tells OK! Magazine, “John is good in bed. Not just
good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John
says it was the best sex of their life. I’m not sure what
exactly he does in bed, but after girls sleep with him, they’re
ruined.” OMG! Who’s writing this copy? The Republican
Party??

FRIDAY, JUNE 13 Well, this is lousy news. Today Tim
Russert—host of Meet the Press and NBC News’
Washington bureau chief—suddenly and unexpectedly died of a heart
attack. We hope this isn’t too far out of line, sandwiched between news
of Jen and John riding the wild baloney pony, and whatever
Scarlett Johansson is up to: Tim Russert was one of the most
admirable and dedicated journalists around. During his years moderating
Meet the Press, he consistently offered incisive commentary,
demanded honest answers to his tough, smart questions, and never let
anyone off easy. The world would be a better place if we had more
journalists like Russert… or if we just still had him around.
MEANWHILE… Guess who’re totally email buddies? Scarlett
Johansson and Barack Obama! After mentioning in an interview
that she frequently emails with Obama, Johansson wondered, since he’s
busy running for president and all, “How can he return these personal
emails?” Here’s a hint, dear: YOU’RE SCARLETT JOHANSSON.
(Confidential to “Scarlett in LA”: Back off, bitch. Obama was our Facebook friend first. —A.R.)

SATURDAY, JUNE 14 Remember when vindictive old coot Leona
Helmsley died, and instead of giving millions to her grandchildren,
she left her dog, Trouble, $12 million? Well, her will
has been overturned by a judge, who divvied up Helmsley’s wealth
according to non-crazy person rules: $10 million to charity, $6 million
to her grandchildren, and for poor, poor Trouble, a paltry $2 million.
We hear 24 carat gold chewtoys are slightly softer than
diamond-encrusted rawhide bones, anyway—here’s hoping Trouble
won’t even notice the difference.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15 Ever since pop Jamie Spears started
obsessively controlling every aspect of his daughter’s life, things on
the Britney Spears front have been disappointingly boring. Today
word came that Jamie and Britney were spending some quality
father/daughter time in Las Vegas, staying at the Mirage, where Britney
visited the creepily named Siegfried & Roy’s Secret Garden and
Dolphin Habitat. “She swam side by side with the dolphins at the
resort in a private pool,” a supposed insider spilled to OK! “Later she gushed over Siegfried & Roy’s six-week-old tiger cubs in
their special nursery.” OH. EM. GEE. Wake us up when she hits a dolphin
with an umbrella and shaves a tiger cub, ‘kay? MEANWHILE… “I
really don’t like working,” Alec Baldwin spilled to the New
York Post in a rambling, fairly depressing interview that also had
him talking about family (“My brothers were like hillbillies. They had
no sense of responsibility”) and loneliness (“I’ve been single for
seven years and as I get older, I think all I want is to be loved”).
Baldwin also talked about being covered in the tabloids. “If you
have four bad days in four straight years, then all four of them are
depicted in the media,” he complained. “The other 360 days of the year,
when you’re just handing out lollipops and riding unicorns
through cotton-candy forests and everything’s so magical,
they don’t report that.” Alec? If you invite us along on your next
unicorn ride through the Cotton Candy Forest, we promise we will
write all about it. Just give us the name of your “pharmacist.”