One Day at a Time

MONDAY, JUNE 16 Thank god in heaven (if there is one), musician
John Mayer is going on a European tour! Naturally, this is great
news for two reasons: (1) If John Mayer is in Europe, he can’t be here.
And (2) If John Mayer is in Europe, he can’t be having sex with
hooved Friends star Jennifer Aniston, ergo there won’t be
any gross tabloid articles graphically depicting the aforementioned
sex. However, he’s not gone yet, which means this week we have to put
up with gross tabloid articles about their tearful, going-away
sex. “They were super affectionate and super sweet,” said a diner
at Beverly Hills’ Madeo restaurant, who obviously struggled in hiding
her disgust. “They were kissing and rubbing arms.” EWWW! Don’t
you just hate those public arm rubbers? The whole thing just smacks of
deep insecurity and desperation. Now, ourselves and Hubby Kip?
We never rub arms. In fact, we haven’t touched each other since spring
of 2003. (If we remember correctly, we brushed against his leg after
tripping over his videogame equipment.) MEANWHILE… Former
presidential candidate Al Gore showed some love for current
prezzy hopeful Barack Obama—and did it without rubbing his
arm once! Big Al endorsed Obama today (conveniently waiting
until after Hillary left the race, thereby avoiding
getting his eyes clawed out), and had some choice words for the Bush
administration who “dishonored and disrespected” the
Constitution, leading America into “eight years of the most serious
foreign policy mistakes in the history of our nation.” President
Bush would’ve responded to Gore’s criticisms, but he was too busy
rigging voting machines in Florida. After all, November’s right around
the corner.

TUESDAY, JUNE 17 Hip hip hooray, it’s gay marriage
day… at least in California. Hundreds of gay and lesbian duos
crushed into city halls today to get married just like straight folk
do. (And boy, are they in for a shock—right, straight married
people?) And while there was much cause for
celebration—especially among wedding industry
professionals, and that one company who makes pink
tuxedos—there’s still some pricks out there who intend on ruining
the fun for everyone. A state constitutional amendment to block
same-sex marriage is due for a vote in November, and
unsurprisingly, President Bush supports a US constitutional
amendment to deny homos the rights the rest of us married people enjoy
(that is, if “enjoy” is an appropriate word for such a situation). That
being said, it’s very important that California gays and lesbians enjoy
their new rights without fucking it up for everyone else—and
we’re looking at YOU, Star Trek‘s George Takei! The
openly gay man who played Sulu on the classic sci-fi series dropped by
the West Hollywood City Hall today to pick up his marriage license with
longtime partner Brad Altman, telling People.com, “We are first and foremost beyond
delighted! It’s a landmark day. [After getting the license] I started
singing ‘One Singular Sensation’!” While we celebrate your
happiness, George, we’re voting for a constitutional amendment to make
sure you never sing that song again.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18 Today in profanity: TV funny man/lover of
prostitutes Charlie Sheen issued an apology for a two-year-old
expletive-crazy voicemail left for his nutbag ex-wife Denise
Richards (whose greatest contribution to the world thus far has
been accusing Charlie of having “prostitute-tranny infested sperm”).
While providing context for the voicemail would be the ethical thing to
do, it’s funnier if we don’t. So here’s what he said: “I hope you rot
in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit, fucking liar… I hope I never
fucking talk to you again, you fucking cunt. You’re a coward and
a liar and a fucking nigger.” Whoa. Kind of makes Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a “thoughtless little pig” pale in comparison,
huh? If this is what happens when you’re filled with prostitute-tranny
infested sperm, then we want none of it!

THURSDAY, JUNE 19 Time magazine reported today about
17 pregnant high school girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts, who
made a pact to get knocked up and raise their babies
together—but wait, there’s more: One of the fathers is a
24-year-old homeless man. Yesssssssss. MEANWHILE… Another 17-year-old had a baby
today—but this time it’s totes okay, because it’s Britney’s li’l
sis, Jamie Lynn Spears! The happy mother gave birth to a
seven-pound, 11-ounce baby daughter, who is also expected to be forced
into show business at an early age and quickly impregnated, or
wind up shaving her head and attacking a SUV with a golf umbrella. And
who says today’s youth suffer from a lack of career choices?

FRIDAY, JUNE 20 Another day, another challenge for Hubby Kip,
who’s had a rough go of things lately, with his beloved Jessica
Alba first getting married, and then having a kid. Well, brace
yourself, dear: “Yes, we have set a wedding date,” Ellen
DeGeneres told reporters when they asked about her and Portia de
Rossi‘s upcoming nuptials. “I obviously feel like it’s long
overdue.” (Loyal One Day readers will remember that Kip—ever the
considerate one—recently insisted that de Rossi marrying Ellen
was “a sad waste of sweet ass.” Don’t worry; we smacked him with our
new Gucci tote for that one. Hard.) Damn you, Portia de Rossi! Can’t
you see what you’re doing to Kip? (Psst! Keep it up, dear! Truth be
told, we still haven’t forgiven him for insisting on wearing a black
armband for a week after that skank Alba got married.)
MEANWHILE… Today Britney Spears was at the Los Angeles
International Airport, where one of her bodyguards reportedly pushed a
camera into a paparazzo’s face. Annnd… that’s it. God! Will someone
get Brit back on the crazy sauce already? We will not let
this column become about Kip’s infatuation with women who aren’t us!
And who are married! And gay! Who else needs a martini?!

SATURDAY, JUNE 21 Watch out, paparazzi—while Britta’s
bodyguards will just politely hand your camera back to you, Matthew
McConaughey’s Surfer Army™ will beat you down. A
photographer trying to snap pics of a sunbathing Matty McC was
reportedly “attacked by a mob of surfers who threw his camera
into the ocean,” according to the Associated Press. “We’ll draw a line
in the beach, and we’ll fight for the beach,” one well-tanned,
exquisitely muscled surfer boy told the frightened photog. Another
beach boy told the shutterbug to get a real job. “This is a real job!”
the paparazzo whined. “What do you do?” The surfer’s response? “I
just drink beer and party.” Sigh. Would you think any less
of us if we admitted that right now, we just want to shimmy into our
Jil Sander bikini, head over to the beach, and hang out with
McConaughey’s band of rebellious and glistening surfers? No? You
wouldn’t? Then you know where we’ll be.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22 Today Forbes Traveler ranked
Portland first in a list of North America’s most bike-friendly
cities. You know what that means, right? Finally, an excuse to tell the
64,300 residents of Davis, California, what we really think of them!
Suck it, Davis, California! Fifth place?Lame-O!
MEANWHILE… Today legendary comedian George Carlin died.
Carlin was perhaps most famous for his “Seven Dirty Words,”
routine: “There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there
are seven of them that you can’t say on television,” he cracked in
1972. “Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine,
and keep the country from winning the war.” Luckily, One Day isn’t
televised (yet!), so in memoriam, George: Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt.
Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Oh, and tits.