One Day at a Time

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Just when you thought your faith in
humanity had been shattered into a billion pieces after Mayor
Adams’ bathroom canoodle fest, things have gotten exponentially
WORSE, because… brace yourself… Olympian Michael
Phelps—upon whose washboard abs rode the hopes of a
nation—was photographed smoking a bong! Presumably a bong
full of POT MARIJUANA! Never mind that he won nine gold medals and
probably deserves a skootch or two of relaxation, Phelps—like
Adams—is a national hero who, thanks to his years of hard work
and dedication, is no longer entitled to a private life. And as
such, whenever he gets caught in the act of (shudder) “being human” he
is entitled by federal law to make a humiliating public apology. Cue
sniveling. “This was stupid, and I know this won’t happen
again,” Phelps said as he groveled before a hypocritical public. “It’s
something I’m not proud of at all. I will say that with the mistakes
I’ve made, I’ve learned from them. And I’ve become a better person.”
Here’s what he should’ve said. “Dear America: I won you NINE FUCKING
GOLD MEDALS. So that means, from now on? You buy my weed. Okay? Let’s
start with a pound.” MEANWHILE… Poor steroid-addled baseball
star Alex Rodriguez. According to the Daily News, A-Rod
has already gotten the A-Shaft, because Madonna has allegedly
already moved on to a younger, hotter piece of meat-cake. A Brazilian
model with abs that make Michael Phelps look like Homer Simpson,
22-year-old Jesus Luz has been spotted on multiple occasions
cozying up with the 50-year-old cougar. Waitjustasecond… a
28-year-age difference? She owes A-Rod and A-Merica a tearful,
humiliating public apology! (Hey, has anyone purchased the domain name
“RecallMadonna.org“?)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3 And while we’re on the subject of
recalling anything that annoys us, let’s recall actor Christian
Bale’s f-bomb-dropping rants! As anyone who owns the internet
knows, TMZ leaked audio of Bale’s three-minute-long, expletive-laden
screamfest on the set of the upcoming Terminator Salvation.
Apparently a lowly crewmember had the audacity to walk into his line of
sight during a scene, setting off the longest string of pornographic
invectives since Hubby Kip threw my Roberto Cavalli evening gown into the dryer… with the sneakers he uses to mow the
lawn! We mean… what the FUCK was he thinking? That’s just it;
HE WASN’T FUCKING THINKING. What the fuck is up with him anyway? What
doesn’t he fucking understand about DRY-FUCKING-CLEAN ONLY? Apparently,
somebody has to fucking keep an eye on him every fucking minute of the
day. What? We can’t have one fucking nice dress? Apparently
fucking not! Would he fucking like it if we trashed his fucking
Battlenerd Gaspastica vinyl figurines? NO, WE DON’T FUCKING
THINK SO! Then why is he fucking trashing my ROBERTO CAVALLI, for the
love of Christ? He’s fucking driving us fucking INSANE!!! (Wait… this isn’t going to show up as a dance remix, is it?)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4 But it wasn’t just Christian
Bale (and a certain sheepish, and now very apologetic gossip
columnist) who flipped their wigs this week; revered actress Faye
Dunaway lashed out after learning that former tweeny-bopper
Hilary Duff was reprising Dunaway’s most famous role in an indie
remake of Bonnie and Clyde. “Couldn’t they have at least cast
a real actress?” the aging star sniped. Thankfully for gossip
sluts such as ourselves, Duff was more than happy to return the burn,
icily responding, “I think that my fans that are going to see the movie
don’t even know who [Dunaway] is…. I might be mad if I
looked like that now too.” Meee-OW! Little kitten has some
claws!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5 The main difference between Olympian
Michael Phelps and snaggle-toothed teen starlet Miley
Cyrus? She really needs to apologize. Thanks to another glorious
internet leak, a photo of Miley Cyrus circulated on the web today
depicting her and her honky friends making slanty-eyed “Me-Chinese”
faces as the one Asian person in the picture stared glumly at the
camera. Naturally, advocacy groups rightly pointed out that Cyrus’
actions “encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of
people of Asian descent.” However, Miley didn’t quite see it that
way. “In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity,” Miley howled in her
defense. “I was simply making a goofy face.” Look, Miley,
putting your fingers at the corner of your eyes and making them slanty
is not just “goofy”—it’s an insulting stereotype. Now get your
ugly crooked teeth fixed, and take some diction lessons, you ridiculous
hayseed hillbilly.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6 “Feel free to make fun of me at my
expense. I deserve it completely,” a browbeaten Christian Bale said today, calling in to Los Angeles radio station KROQ to apologize
for his furious diatribe. “It’s been a miserable week for me,” the
rageaholic said. “Listen, I know I have a potty mouth…. I was
way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that.” As for the
crewmember on the receiving end of Bale’s rant? “We have resolved this
completely,” Bale said. “I have no intention of getting anyone fired.
There is no problem whatsoever.” Unfortunately the call was interrupted
when Bale’s personal assistant brought him a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich instead of a jelly and peanut butter sandwich.
“WHAT DON’T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?” Bale screamed. “WHAT IS IT WITH
YOU? YOU CAN’T EVEN GET A JELLY AND PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH RIGHT, CAN
YOU? FUCKIN’ ASS! AND WHERE’S THE SCRIPT FOR NEWSIES 2? I
WANTED THAT ON MY DESK YESTERDAY! YOU AND ME? WE’RE FUCKIN’
DONE, PROFESSIONALLY.”

SATURDAY, FEBRARY 7 Today Jennifer Aniston turned 40
years old, hosting a birthday party for herself at her Beverly Hills
home alongside guests Oprah, Tom Hanks, Courteney
Cox, David Arquette, and Tobey Maguire. Maguire was
asked to leave after using chalk to draw an “X” on Aniston’s forehead
and then aiming at it with a rifle. (Because that’s what you do with
old horses, right? And because Aniston looks like a horse! And because
Tobey was in Seabiscuit? And because… ah, screw it.)

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Following tonight’s Grammys presentation,
singer Chris Brown was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. “It seems she’s taking the
steps you’d need to take if you were going to press charges,” a source
told the Daily News. “But she could wake up tomorrow morning and
decide she still loves him.” Hmm. Looks like someone needs some
anger management classes. (And by “someone” we mean “the
entirety of Hollyweird.”) MEANWHILE… In less depressing news,
the contestants for the eighth season of Dancing with the
Stars were announced today. (Wait, did we say “less
depressing”? We meant “more depressing.”) The lineup includes singer
Jewel, actress Denise Richards, rapper Lil’ Kim,
Jackass‘ Steve-O, Apple Computer cofounder Steve
Wozniak, and comedian David Alan Grier. Well, yes. Those
certainly are some “stars,” and we’ll totes be tuning in, if only to
see Lil’ Kim competing in the tango against Steve Wozniak, and to smoke
a pound of pot marijuana. Don’t worry, we’re already preparing our
apology.

We don’t usually devote precious column inches to sales pitches, but
this week, you simply have to pop by your fave bookstore to pick up MySpace Dark Horse Presents Volume 2. This fab new comic book
collection features an intro by yours truly, plus the Ann Romano:
Gossip Whore comic (written by us, obvs, with art from Paul
Lee), plus stories from Tara McPherson, Gerard Way & Gabriel
Bá, Evan Dorkin, Gilbert Hernandez, Zack Whedon, and more! Plus,
unlike this rag, we totes get royalties, so you’d be doing us (and that
pair of Pierre Hardy slingbacks we’ve been eyeing) a huge
favor.

Mwah!