MONDAY, DECEMBER 29 Welcome back, darlings! After a restful
vacation, One Day is back, digging up the filthiest scoops from
Hollyweird and beyond. Now… what did we miss while we were away?
ITEM #1: Headline from the Daily Mail: “Magician David
Copperfield’s Assistant Sucked into the Blades of a Giant
Wind Machine as Horrified Audience Looks On.” And this time,
Claudia Schiffer wasn’t doing the sucking! ITEM #2: A
Philadelphia man was shot during a screening of The Curious
Case of Benjamin Button for talking too loud. Violence is
always, always wrong under any circumstance. That being said, let’s all
quietly whisper, “Yayyyy!” ITEM #3: Overrated tramp Scarlett
Johansson is selling one of her used tissues on eBay for
charity. In a related story… EW! ITEM #4: Star magazine
reports that while Kevin Federline has taken great pains to
paint himself as an upstanding and devoted single dad to his and
Britney’s two sons, sources say he’s still smoking pot,
hanging with hookers, and spending wild, boozy nights in Vegas.
In his defense, those hookers are his daycare providers. ITEM
#5: Vice President Dick Cheney proudly admitted to ABC’s
Charles Gibson that he was directly involved with approving CIA
torture techniques such as waterboarding. He then sliced open
Gibson’s stomach, ate his entrails, and laughing maniacally, descended
into a lake of fire.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30 When confronted with a potentially
career-breaking scandal, most politicians hide their heads in the sand.
Thankfully for those who like surreal entertainment, that’s not
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich! Under suspicion of trying
to sell President-elect Obama’s senate seat, Der Blago shocked
the world today by appointing former Illinois Attorney General
Roland Burris to the position. All together now: “The
balls on that one!” Naturally the ensuing press conference was a
hilarious disaster complete with great quotes, such as from US
Representative Bobby Rush who said, “I would ask you to not hang
or lynch the appointee as you try to castigate the appointer.” Governor
Blagojevich immediately repeated the phrase to reporters—with a
slight revision. “Feel free to castigate the appointer but don’t
lynch the appointer. I am not guilty of any criminal wrongdoing!”
How to make a great story even better? The inclusion of double
entendres. “I am not a tool of the governor,” said the
unintentionally hilarious Burris. “I’m a tool of the people of
Illinois. If I was worried about the taint, I would never have
accepted that. I don’t have any taint from Governor Blagojevich!” We
believe you, Roland. No one wants anything to do with Blagojevich’s
tool or taint.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31 Finally! After a nail-biting nine
months, a bawling baby boy has emerged from Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter’s vaginal canal. Yep, that’s the same baby that
caused all the hypocritical hullabaloo three days after Palin was
announced as John McCain’s running mate. According to
People, the baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston (UGH! Seriously? These people should be living in a commune in Waco),
and there’s already a tabloid bidding war for the baby’s first
pictures (maybe Bristol can use the money to buy her high school
a new vending machine). Governor Palin announced the happy news today,
saying, “When Bristol and [the baby’s father] Levi first told us
the shocking news that she was pregnant, to be honest, we all at first
looked at the situation with some fear and a bit of despair. Isn’t it
just like God to turn those circumstances into such an amazing,
joyful blessing when you ask Him to help you through?” Yeah, isn’t that
just like God to convince Levi that it was okay not to wear a
rubber?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 1 It’s a brand-new year, and what better
way to celebrate than with a knockdown, drag-out brawl between Hollyweird’s scariest lesbians, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha
Ronson? The screaming officially started on Tuesday when, according
to the New York Post, the Bickersons began incessantly arguing
at a family get-together. (Klassy with a K!) Then on New Year’s
Eve the pair hosted a bash at club Mansion, began screeching at
each other, and took their bash to the parking lot. LiLo allegedly
chastised SamRo, yelling, “When I storm off, you are supposed to
follow me!” (It’s nice to know lesbians can be just as clueless as
straight men.) Naturally, the fight escalated, and continued in
a nearby alleyway… right in front of a homeless person!
Très embarrassment! “It was a really gross alley,” said
an onlooker. “There was a bum eating a sandwich and watching the
whole thing.” And ohhhh yes, it gets better! The fracas then
traveled to their hotel where the twosome trashed their room, and began
publicly “punching each other.” The never-ending fight allegedly
continued as they boarded their plane back to Los Angeles. But
according to their rep? Everything’s a-okay. “There was an
argument,” the rep told the Post. “I don’t know the details. But
they left for LA together and it’s fine.” 2009? You are going to be the
best year EVER!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 2 Wait. Strike that, because look who decided to
drop in and start 2009 off on the totally wrong foot! Paris
Hilton, we’re looking at you—and, more specifically,
at Life & Style‘s rumor that you’re getting it on with our beloved George Clooney. L&S claims that
Paris and George had an “intimate meeting” at a West Hollywood hotel
bar at the end of December—and then were seen again the next
night, sitting together at a dinner party where they were joined by
800-year-old director Ridley Scott, mega-nerd/Marvel Studios
Chairman David Maisel, and something called Brittany
Flickinger… which sounds like something Hubby Kip tried to
do on us once but is actually the winner of Paris’ latest reality show.
Okay, so obvs, Life & Style is full of it, and making up
ridiculous rumors that no one would ever believe, because
really, George dating Paris is about as likely as Kip managing to talk
us into a Flickingering. So we are totes not worried. Ha ha!
Nice try, liars at Life & Style! (Confidential to Paris:
Back off, skank. We will end you.)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 3 In a desperate attempt to get her name
back in this column, Jennifer Lopez appears to be on the
verge of kicking hubby Marc Anthony to the curb. According to
Us Weekly, J.Lo and MacAnt… ManThon… (oh, forget it)
have removed their wedding rings, and are expected to make a
Valentine’s Day announcement that their marriage is over.
(Thanks for ruining that day for the rest of us, guys! Not that it was
so great to begin with… sniff.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 4 People who pass up “gossip rags” to read
“real news” keep telling us that things are “not going well.”
Apparently, the “economy” is “totally effed” and “we’re all going to
die of hunger.” Well, somebody forgot to tell Katie Holmes,
who has dropped over $14 million in the mere six months she’s
been in New York City. Granted, New York is très expensive, but this is ridiculous: $13,987 on child care for baby
Suri, $7,000 for gym equipment, $7,315 for restaurant bills,
$17,000 for clothes, and up to $14 million on various apartments and
lofts. “Stop ragging so hard on Katie Holmes!” Emperor Klaktu of
Rigel VII shouted when reached for comment. “As you noted, New York
is très expensive! Besides, all of your Earthling ‘money’
will soon be rendered into cinders when Young Empress Suri is
infused with the spectral form of L. Ron Hubbard! Humanoid Ann Romano,
your mischaracterizations and gossip-mongerings shall evaporate like a
Klandathan smoke-beetle as the Great Renunciation of L. Ron….”
Blah blah blah. He kept going like that for
a while, but we just kinda tuned him out. Turns out that even in the
new year, some things just ain’t gonna change.