MONDAY, JULY 17
Nice going, Granny! Today an 11-year-old girl was accidentally run over
and killed by her grandma’s Cadillac while being towed on her inline
skates. The victim’s grandmother stated she was allowing the youngster to
hold on to the passenger side of her Cadillac, which was traveling at a speed
of 10 to 15 mph, when the girl tripped, fell, and was run over by the right rear
wheel.

In a blatant miscarriage of justice, no charges will be filed. “It just seems
like a really tragic thing,” said the incredibly naîve Asst. District Attorney
Matt Shirtcliff. “I could try and make an example of her. I just don’t
see that being a necessary thing to do.” Oh, well, that’s just fine and dandy,
Matt! Go ahead! Turn a blind eye! But when the next 11-year-old falls victim
to the crushing wheels of granny’s Cadillac, the blood will be on YOUR hands!


TUESDAY, JULY 18
In an effort to re-introduce gray wolves to western states, the Fish and
Wildlife Service announced today they will take gray wolves off the endangered
species list, which will give the agency more flexibility with their management
of re-introduction plans. Once believed to be totally extinct in our fine state,
two wolves have been spotted here in the past 18 months. One Day applauds
the efforts to re-introduce carnivorous, sheep-hungry species to Oregon. In
fact, One Day hereby challenges the Fish and Wildlife Service to put
more predators into our environment. The more blood-thirsty, the better!
And why stop at wolves? What about grizzlies and lions? Think about it: jackals wandering Burnside on a moonlit night. It would help control our city’s over-burgeoning
population. And, what’s more, it would strengthen our gene pool. Only the strongest
would survive, making our city the fastest and the fittest in the country! (Our
re-introduction plan is available for comment at www.portlandmercury.go-darwin-go.com.)


WEDNESDAY, JULY 19
One Day had a very unpleasant little episode with a not-so-nice young
gentleman today. As One Day was jogging about midnight, near SE Hawthorne
Blvd (where’d you think we get our hourglass figure-Slimfast?!) the despicable
young man approached us from behind and tried to yank down our trousers!
Now, let this be a lesson to all you proper young ladies out there: The
correct method of combating this unfortunate situation, as we so gracefully
demonstrated, is to turn around and begin kicking the young man HARD in the
shins while yelling as loud as possible, “DO YOU WANT TO TAKE IT UP THE ASS?” at least four times. As soon as these magic words escaped our dainty, little
rosy lips, said young man muttered the word “Sorry,” shriveled up, and ran away.
So what do you say, boys? Wanna take on One Day? Then you’d better bring
a body bag.


THURSDAY, JULY 20
Speaking of giant leaps for humankind, some Princeton scientists announced today
that they have accomplished the impossible: exceeding the speed of light.
As any bespectacled, eighth grade science dork can tell you, the speed of light
moving through a vacuum is 186,000 miles per second. According to Einstein in
his theory of relativity, this is the only absolute measurement in the universe–the
speed of everything else being relative to the observer. Well, apparently Einstein
was an asshole, because these Princeton scientists recently sent a pulse of
laser light through cesium vapor so quickly (now get this) that it left the
chamber before it even finished entering! That blows our freaking mind!
Now before you Star Trek geeks pee your pants, Lijun Wang, a researcher
on the project, says that not only is it impossible to propel physical objects
at this speed, but “this effect cannot be used to send information back in time.”
This unwelcome news was particularly disappointing to One Day who wanted
to travel back to last week’s issue and take back what we said about our younger
brother being “a ‘tard.” Sorry, Raymond.


FRIDAY, JULY 21
While the scalpel heads at OHSU are as handsome and moral as Dr. Kildare, this
whole notion of placing defibrillators in public places has us scratching
our bums in confusion. Let us explain. OHSU is pushing hard for a nationwide
study to see if emergency defibrillators can save lives. Uh, quick answer? Yes!
According to today’s Oregonian, at least 55 sites in Portland, Salem
and Vancouver will be participating, including Lloyd Center mall, Parkplace
Athletic Club, and Portland City Hall. This means there will be non-medical
personnel trained in the subtle art of defibrillation, just waiting for you
to nod off on a public bench in the Lloyd Food Court so they can whip out the
emergency defibrillator and impress the pants off the cashier at Orange Julius.
We don’t know about you, but if we’re going to be zapped by a thousand volts
of electrical current, it better damn well be by Noah Wyle, and not some
underemployed pothead from McDonald’s who couldn’t be trusted to wash lettuce.


SATURDAY, JULY 22
Forget surf camp, this summer it’s all about “protest camp.” The New
York Times reported today that scores of bright-eyed, protesters-in-training
have gathered in the Malibu Hills to take classes in sky-scraper climbing,
chanting in couplets and resisting arrest. The campers hope to use their new
skill set to bust some moves at this summer’s Democratic National Convention
in LA, and then maybe get jobs next season as “protest camp” counselors. Wow!
Where do we sign up? But really, protesting has become so chaotic, so unkempt.
Why, when we were in college, protesters marched in straight lines, and always
dressed like perfect little ladies. It’s good to see that some basic protest
etiquette is finally being addressed. If it weren’t for our inability to miss
a single episode of The West Wing (and our weekly lip waxing appointment),
we’d get our Slimfast ass right down to Malibu. Some protest tips of note? Be
sure you have the proper permits, and always wear white shoes when “sticking
it to the man” after Memorial Day.


SUNDAY, JULY 23
According to very detailed and copious reporting by The Sunday Oregonian,
the Beaver state may soon steal the title of “Meth Capital of America”–right
from underneath California’s surgically altered nose! Seems that Mexican drug
cartels are pipelining the stuff up here like Exxon. Which started us thinkingAlaskan
residents get an annual kickback for allowing their natural resources to be
sucked away through the Alaska Oil Pipeline. This oil kickback is often over
1,000 dollars per person. That’s enough to buy nine lifetime subscriptions
to Timothy McSweeney’s literary journal, and still have enough to get
a pack of zigzags and a uniball semi-fine. Now, we’re no Allen Greenspan,
but if the Mexican drug cartels want to turn our fair state into a jazzed-up,
biker-laden meth lab, then why fight it? We turn the other cheek, maybe throw
in a Bunsen burner or two, and then rake in the dividends! After that,
the sky’s the limit! We can take the whole operation public, and blow the lid
off the bull market. We’ll never have trouble funding the Yellow Bikes program again!

Ann for President! Send your nominations and hot tips to ann@portlandmercury.com