MONDAY, JULY 24
Who gives a flying handshake about Bush and Gore’s running mates? The real question
on everyone’s minds is who will make the Blazer Dance Team! Today Marlene,
a former Blazer girl trying out for this year’s squad, wrote a startling expose
on the process for The Oregonian (and used a lot of exclamation marks!!!).
Marlene spoke of being so excited!!! the night before, she got up at 3
am to make sure she packed all the correct outfits!!! And the tryouts were, like,
really, really HARD!!! Each dancer had to perform routines in such technically
difficult styles as “hip-hop funk” “lyrical jazz” and “thrash jazz“!!!
As for Marlene’s audition, she wisely chose a subtle approach. “I did a little
hip-hop in a big baggy outfit, then tore that off into a little skirt outfit and
danced to Santana’s Maria, Maria. I had to do something that I could shake
my hips to, because that is what I do best, since I am a HULA dancer.”
The result? Not only did Marlene emerge victorious, but so did her friends Amy,
Carrie, Darci and Pepper!!! Omigod!!! Congratulations!!!! I just can’tcan’tOMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TUESDAY, JULY 25
DuckDuck GOOSE! Early this morning a single goose caused over $50,000
worth of property damage in Portland. The low-flying goose was apparently
ignoring FAA regulations when he took out a 72,000-volt power line along NE
Fazio Way. Snapping from the impact of the kamikazi poultry, the power line
fell into a nearby home, sending a supercharged jolt that started a fire and
gutted the basement. Since no terrorist organizations have stepped up to claim
responsibility for the goose, One Day is forced once again to blame the
French. See, it’s just like the French to use Foie Gras to take over
our country! First it’s the power sources and lines of communication. And then?
It’s only a matter of time before our President and First Lady are captured;
forced to thank snotty waiters for impossibly small portions, and wear ugly
berets. Go ahead. Laugh. But when scores of ill-scented Frogs are lounging about,
playing chess on the streets, we’ll see whose goose is cooked!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 26
An important story that has gone largely unreported is the recent phenomenon
of stuttering Christians. Apparently, the Christian faith is so hard
up for people who go around screaming through megaphones, that they will even
accept the Jesus-lovers who stammer. One such incident occurred tonight outside
Ace, a private sex club in SE Portland. A Christian was spotted sitting
in his Volkswagen, yelling at the business through a megaphone, but was having
trouble getting his point across because of an embarrassing stutter. “How can
a man let his wo-wo-woman have s-s-sex with another uhhhh it’s an abomination!”
he yelled. “An abo-bo-bomination to the Lord!” And when the gentlemen was at
a loss for words (which was often), he would simply stop and yell, “Guil-ty!
Guil-ty! Guil-ty!” a’la a surprised Gomer Pyle. However, the Christian wasn’t
completely bereft of snappy repartee, because when a next door resident came
out to tell him to keep it down, the stutterer shot back, “Get a life, you stupid
he-he-heathen!”
THURSDAY, JULY 27
Today, the Oregon Supreme Court ruled that a man who got really drunk and fell down the stairs of a tavern can actually sue the tavern for
serving him too much liquor. Gary Fulmer wants to sue the Timber Inn Restaurant
and Lounge in Coos Bay, who he blames for causing him to lose “his sense of
reason and volition.” Translation: the dumbshit knocked back 8 Jägers and
tumbled down the stairs, cracking his noggin on a vending machine. Fulmer claims
he suffered permanent brain damage from the accident (although One Day suspects he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed to begin with). Now, thanks
to the Supreme Court’s idiotic decision, Mr. Drunky McBraindead will
now be able to take the Timber Inn to court. You know, it’s drunks like him
who give drunks like us a bad name.
FRIDAY, JULY 28
It’s official. Now, when One Day dies, we can put on our tombstone “We’ve
seen it all!” Today, while having breakfast outside at the Beaterville Café
in North Portland, we noticed a pot-bellied, bearded man wearing a leather
vest, drinking his own sweat with a spoon. This gentleman, who is apparently
a strong proponent of recycling, took the spoon out of his coffee cup, and starting
at his belly button, began slowly dragging the spoon up his chest, filling it
up and happily sipping his own fluids. He was also reading the Willamette
Week (which we think says more about the nature of the magazine, rather
than the sweat-drinker). Though it would be an easy task to berate and publicly
humiliate such a person (especially since he did it at least 7 times!) One
Day has decided, just this once, to take the high road, and applaud his
unrepentent shamelessness. That said, excuse us while we vomit.
SATURDAY, JULY 29
Speaking of taking the high road, today One Day chose to not make fun
of anyone. We went to see Jimmy Cliff play at the Gorge and had a lovely
time. We chit-chatted, danced, and watched the night sky for falling stars.
We read a pamphlet on pollution–which is bad–and had two Full Sail
Ales, which were good. We considered buying a burrito from a vendor, but didn’t.
We people-watched. We saw four different hippies wearing colorful hats
and patchwork capes, and did not shout or point at them. In fact we admired
their thrifty, creative fashion spirit. When the audience was asked to sing
a chorus that consisted solely of the phrase “We love the earth,” we
did so without any irony. And why not? We do love the earth. When two drunken,
square-jawed, shirtless nose goobers began to heckle the musicians, we could
have felled them both with a sharp blow to the kidney, but chose not to. We
were having too good a time, and besides, why break a nail? Jimmy Cliff is nice.
He is a good singer. We like him. And we mean that in the most pleasant, non-facetious
way possible.
SUNDAY, JULY 30
Today’s Oregonian reports that Seattle (aka “the Emerald City”)
has less green space than Phoenix. Apparently, Seattle developers didn’t watch
enough Grizzly Adams, and mistakenly incinerated several hundred trees downtown, probably thinking the conifers were homeless people. Now that the
damage is done, who do you think Seattle comes whimpering to? Portland.
Yep. While they were in the throes of their smack-crazed, ’90s joy ride, we
were protecting more wood than a crate of NFL athletic cups. Number of downtown
trees Seattle has protected? 10. Number of downtown trees Portland has protected?
234. Now they want us to teach them how to hug trees and build parks? Well,
eat us, assholes! We’re tired of being Jan to your Marcia. We don’t remember
you calling when Microsoft went public, or when you had those extra Bumbershoot
tickets, or when your precious EMP opened. So now we’re keeping our oaks to
ourselves, thankyouverymuch.
We’re tired of being nice.