MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
The Labor Day weekend was officially ruined when Def Leppard played at
the Oregon State Fair–and their fans could barely hear them! Thanks to
Salem’s ridiculously stringent noise ordinance, Def Leppard (who normally
rocks the fucking house with songs like “Photograph” and “Armageddon It”) was
instructed by city officials to turn their amps down to a level more in
keeping with the group Sixpence None the Richer. “You could barely hear the lead
guitar playing!” howled disappointed 38-year-old fan Scott Davis. Fair officials
announced a $20 refund for disgruntled fans, and a few took them up on
it–to the tune of $14,000. However, even this was not enough for one,
angry Tigard resident who fumed, “Do they sincerely think that 20 lousy dollars
will buy back the hearing I didn’t lose?”
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
While trying to rid her head of pesky lice, a woman poured highly
flammable white gas on her noggin today. This not only caused a raging hair
fire, but injured two onlookers and burned down the motel room they were
staying in. Lice, which can be found on the cleanest of scalps, are known
to bite and bite and bite until you are screaming in agony and tempted to take
extreme measures–lighting your hair on fire, for example. However, with recent
advances in modern medicine, there are better products on today’s market than
kerosene. One Day cares about our lice-infested readership, and
would like to remind all Mercury readers to seek advice from your local
pharmacist if you experience any unusual itching. Setting your scalp ablaze
is not the answer! (The previous public service announcement hereby fulfills
one-third of our community service requirement handed down by the Multnomah
County Court.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
Declaring that scooter-related injuries soared during August, the Consumer
Product Safety Commission reported more than 4,000 kids cracked their noggins
on the contraptions. This latest announcement comes on the heels of a troubling
report that Crayola Crayons are trying to poison the nation’s youth by
disguising toxins as Indian Red and Sky Blue drawing sticks. While One Day agrees that the world’s adolescent population has mushroomed out of control,
surely this is no way to curb growth (especially since the NRA is doing
such a good job in their war against trigger-locks).
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
At tonight’s MTV Video Music Awards, Christina Aguilera fumed in impotent
fury, as Britney Spears stripped down to a nude-colored bra and
pant ensemble, and wiggled her juicy parts while lip-synching her hit, “Oops!I
Did it Again.” Besides this lascivious spectacle, there were few surprises in
the awards presentation–including the fact that hosts Shawn and Marlon Wayans are the least funny people on the planet. Perhaps the only mildly interesting
anecdote from the ceremonies occurred when an apparent “stage-crasher” climbed
to the top of the scaffolding behind the podium, and rocked back and forth,
while the audience urged the man to “JUMP! JUMP!” As it turned out, this
was no anonymous stage-crasher, but bassist Tim Commerford from the band Rage
Against the Machine, who unfortunately did not jump, because he’s a fucking
hypocrite like the rest of his stupid, sell-out band that rails against corporations,
yet happily takes money from their label, Sony Records.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
Today One Day almost killed our dog–not by accident, but on purpose.
Normally well-trained and polite, Rowdy (a six-year-old Siberian Husky)
was spotted peeing on the living room rug, and snapping at the cat (a three-year-old
tabby by the name of Mr. Jigs). Though tempted to beat the animal within
an inch of its life, One Day showed remarkable restraint, by choosing
to remove the dog’s breakfast (a half-can of Alpo, and a Vita-Bone dog biscuit),
and ordering the animal to take a time-out on its bed. Unfortunately,
the dog refused to obey the command, and simply stood there; glowering at its
owner. Infuriated by this lack of response, One Day began screaming in
a high-pitched annoying tone, “Lay DOWN! Lay DOWN! I said, Laythe
fuckDOWN!!!” Hearing the disturbance from a nearby room, One Day‘s
husband Kip (a 30-year-old dental hygienist originally from Eugene),
asked “What’s all the rumpus?” After One Day clearly documented the full
account of Rowdy’s undisciplined actions, Kip attempted to rationalize the
dog’s behavior (which is just soooo like him). This lack of support
further infuriated One Day who stomped off in a huff and, after experiencing
an almost mortifying feeling of guilt, spent 20 minutes crying in the shower.
Happily, the “human vs. animal” tiff was quickly mended with two Vita-Bones,
and both Rowdy and One Day are now resting comfortably. (At press time,
Mr. Jigs still refuses to come out from under the couch.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
According to a CNN-Time poll, six out of 10 Americans are not troubled by the
fact that George W. Bush called a New York Times reporter a “major-league
asshole.” After deciding to conduct a poll of our own, we discovered the
following shocking results: four percent of baseball players polled were offended
by Bush’s use of term “major-league,” and 19 percent of proctologists were offended
by his use of the word “asshole.” 34 percent of those asked said they
would have been more offended if Bush had called the reporter a “fuckhead.” 11 percent did not know who George W. Bush was. 56 percent believed that all
reporters were “major-league assholes.” And finally, 94.7 percent had never
heard of the Portland Mercury.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
According to the Associated Press, President Clinton, in keeping
with his controversial stance against raging forest fires, has proposed
spending 1.6 billion dollars to help flame-ravaged communities re-shingle and
to thin millions of acres of federal forests in an effort to prevent future
blazes. A spokesperson explained that the removal of trees and brush is needed
to rid forests of an unnatural buildup of flammable foliage. We say, why
thin the trees? Why not thin Malibu, or the other communities that are under
constant threat of fire? Why not thin the unnatural buildup of forest subdivisions
with their flammable basketball hoops and exploding tires? President
Clinton’s attack on burning trees can only lead to a slippery slope. What’s
next? Limiting the burning of calories, midnight oil, rubber, desire, bushes?
We have to stop this unfettered fire legislation before it is too late. Heed
this warning, friends. For if our flame-loathing administration has its way,
we may wake up one day to find ourselves living in a country where it is against
the law to cry “Fire!” in a crowded theater.