MONDAY, JANUARY 15
Since our boss is too goddamn cheap to send us to Rio de Janeiro for the giant
Rock in Rio music festival, we are forced to report on all the fun those
people are having while sitting at home watching Temptation Island and
pulling Biore strips off our delicate nose. The Rock in Rio music festival
is only the largest music festival EVER, lasting seven days and featuring the
biggest music acts in the world, including today’s guests, Guns N’ Roses!
More than 200,000 fans screamed as paunchy Axl Rose took the stage and
played questionable renditions of “Welcome to the Jungle” and “Sweet Child o’
Mine.” However, other performers weren’t as lucky. Brazilians thought Oasis was boring (well, they are), and actually had the audacity to boo Britney when she sang “Lucky” in front of a huge American flag! Booing Britney is tantamount
to spitting on our precious bald eagle! Don’t they realize we can bomb them back
to the Stone Age? Brazil had better watch their big mouths or the next time we
won’t be sending Britney; we’ll be sending body bags!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16
Speaking of dumb people; today a very stupid person in the Oregon legislature
introduced a bill that would let districts decide whether the Ten Commandments should be part of school curriculum. Rep. Betsy Close (the stupid person
in question) came up with the dumb idea after copying a similarly stupid bill
from a bunch of hayseed dullards in Kentucky. If this bill were to actually
pass, people could vote on whether they wanted their schools to display or teach
the Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, no one in the Oregon Legislature has introduced
a bill that would incarcerate idiots who waste taxpayers’ money by introducing
stupid, dumb drivel that’s remarkably similar to the dumb-ass bill introduced
by the drooling, mentally incapacitated doofus known as Rep. Betsy Close. But
hey, the legislative session is still young.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17
One Day found out exactly how tame our lives have become today. The worst
we ever do on our work break is maybe have a slug of tequila to help us through
the day. But last Saturday, while taking five from his job as a “courtesy
clerk” at Safeway, a Vancouver teenager slit the throat of a coworker.
After cutting Bryce Powers’ throat with a four-inch blade, the teen, Jay Rich,
dragged the still-kicking body to a nearby storage shed. There, Rich stood on
the gurgling wound until Powers died. A few minutes later–and remembering
to wash his hands before returning to work–Rich finished out his shift. It
took police four days to piece together the story: Apparently, a young woman
had been dating Rich, but jumped ship for Powers, an older (community) college
man. In a tip of the hat to Safeway’s sanitation policies, the murder scene
had been so thoroughly washed down that the police did not find any blood and
clues. Rich was later arrested after his father-in-law found the victim’s wallet
in his room. Nothing of note happened today at the local Fred Meyer.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 18
“Mad props” go out to rapper D’Mon “Mack 10” Rolison and Tionne “T-Boz“
Watkins (of TLC) who were married today in the gangsta wedding of the
season! Mack 10–a member of the Westside Connection along with Ice Cube–was
sporting some serious “bling-bling” as he trod down the aisle in crocodile leather
shoes to the theme of The Godfather. After exchanging vows the happy
couple and guests danced the night away and chowed down on a wedding cake shaped
like an AK-47 (no joke!). D’Mon is truly a lucky man for landing the
beautiful T-Boz, and One Day would like to personally congratulate the
dog who copped that shorty, and we’re not even frontin,’ player–we’re feelin’
your steez. Represent.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin was dealing with a “shorty” of his own– a six-foot saltwater crocodile that took a hunk out of his leg. The accident happened as Irwin and crew were moving the 13-year-old female croc to another enclosure at his Australia Zoo. The croc apparently went ballistic when he was lifting her over a fence, andohhh, let’s just let the Crocodile Hunter tell it: “She did this huuuuuuge, BIG, full-bodied shake and as she came down, she sensed my skin! And just–CHOMP! Sunk her teeth into my leg! And did a head shake! Which messed it up a little.” Luckily for all involved, the bite was not serious and required only 12 stitches. However, there’s no word on whether the croc will ever get that taste out of her mouth.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 19
Was anyone else creeped out by today’s Oregonian headline: “California
struggles to obtain power”? This unsubtle play for coastal domination recalls
Germany’s early rumblings for regional influence. Headline after headline has
warned of California’s thirst for power, yet there has been no intervention.
What are we waiting for? Platoons of goose-stepping Californians to march
into Ashland? Warships puttering up the Willamette? They’ve already infiltrated.
It’s only a matter of time before transplants rise up to support their homeland’s
expansionist nationalism. California will not be satisfied until Sacramento
rules the Pacific. Arm yourself. Purge your businesses and neighborhoods of
the Californian threat. Before Gray Davis lops off Vera’s head and we’re
all eating kiwi.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 20
Linda Tripp, The Angriest Person In The Universe, was sent packing from
The Pentagon today after she refused to step down with other political
appointees. It seems the barracuda worked at “the pleasure of the President,”
and so their fates were inexorably linked. We LOVE that. But we hate to see
anyone on the dole, especially in this time of economic shift. So, Linda, if
you’re reading this–take heart, if you have one. There are a number of jobs
for which you are uniquely qualified. For instance, you seem to know a lot about
tape-recording technology. Have you considered a job at Radio Shack?
You could be the “before” model in any number of advertisements. Or perhaps
Hollywood will call–you’d make a dead-on stand-in for Michael Caine.
No, we’ve got it. The WWF. You’d look kick-ass in leather, baby. You
already have the whip.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 21
Oh, the sparkle and delight that are The Golden Globes! Yes, while you
(and we) were watching The Simpsons, the esteemed Hollywood Foreign Press
Association was awarding glittering statuettes to sequined starlets. So here’s
the wrap up. Renée Zellweger was on the potty when she won best
actress in a musical or comedy for Nurse Betty, but Hugh Grant stalled until she finished up. The rumors of a piece of toilet paper stuck to
her shoe are totally without merit. Robert Downey, Jr. won best TV supporting
actor for his role on Ally McBeal. The rumors of his arrest following
the show are completely without merit. The highlight? President Jeb Bartlet won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of actor Martin Sheen. Maybe now
he’ll get back to the business of running the country.

We have the whips, you have the tips. ann@portlandmercury.com