MONDAY, JANUARY 29 Controversy struck the international Paralympic games (Olympic-style competition for the differently abled) today when it was discovered that members of the championship Spanish basketball team have no mental disabilities whatsoever. Team member Carlos Ribagorda admitted that only two out of their twelve medal-winning teammates were mentally deficient. And while he was at it, he also narc’d on other Spanish teams that contained non-disabled members, including those in the swimming, track, and ping-pong categories. This infuriated the International Paralympic Committee to such an extent, they have barred all contestants with intellectual disabilities from future events, since it’s too hard to confirm an athlete’s “eligibility.” Now, while it’s true that cheaters ruin everybody’s fun, One Day feels that instead of punishing the truly disabled, we should construct an entirely new event: The Cheater Olympics. That way, everyone who takes steroids, smokes dope, or whacks the occasional figure skater’s kneecap will have their shot at Olympic glory. Cheaters never win? Well, they’ll get their chance in the Morally Ambiguous Olympics!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 30 Today, the promoters of the North by Northwest (NXNW) music festival revealed they are the biggest crybabies on the planet. After seven years of raising local bands’ hopes and then robbing them blind, NXNW is finally canceling the event–but not without first taking a few parting shots at the local music scene! SXSW director Roland Swenson blames the festival’s demise on those who dared to criticize the event: “We failed to garner the kind of across-the-board support from the music community required to make an event like NXNW succeed.” Ohhh, so it’s OUR fault your festival sucked. In other words, as long as the music community provides unconditional love, and continues to work for peanuts, NXNW will grace our lucky city with their presence. But maybe we’re being too harsh. Maybe we could’ve showed them a bit more supportand then again, maybe baby just needs a diaper change. Wahhh! Wahhh! Why don’t you cry, you big baby? Boo-hoo-hoo! But before you let the door hit your big fat baby ass on the way out, let us leave you with one more suggestion: Maybe you can take your corrupt music festival to Spain. You should get a better response from the loads of people who enjoy pretending they’re mentally disabled.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 31 Grab your swim trunks and shave those bikini lines, because the Portland Police Bureau is heading to sunny Mexico for spring break! In an attempt to better understand the Latino residents of our fair city, the police will start up a ten-week course to learn Spanish. And to practice their newfound talent, the pupils will travel to beautiful Guadalajara for a week. “Total immersion in the culture is the best way to learn the language,” rationalized the eager police chief, who has obviously forgotten there’s more than a few Spanish-speaking Latinos right here in Portland. However, we refuse to be bitter. Even though taxpayers will surely pick up the tab for their sun-soaked days of “cultural immersion,” it will be worth it the next time a cop sticks a flashlight in a Latino’s face, and can order a piña colada in the person’s native tongue.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1 You know, One Day at a Time isn’t just about the news. We’re also about informing you on the latest trends in popular culture (especially when we can’t find anything else of interest to write about). So what’s the hottest trend according to the One Day tip sheet? Why, it’s appropriating rap lyrics for use during the normal workday! It seems that more and more, the corporate world is trying to take away all vestiges of personality. That’s why incorporating rap lingo around the office is a great way of saying, “Hey everybody! I’m a biggie or shorty with some steez!” Here are some examples: Say you’re out on a sales call, and the boss keeps buzzing you. That’s when you say, “Yo, B, why you blowin’ up my pager?” To “blow up” is a great term, because it can either mean overdoing something, or as a form of self-congratulation: “Dag, my spreadsheets are blowing up!” Another great term to whip around the water cooler is “pleeeease!” Used primarily to signify incredulity, “pleeeease” is best used to punctuate the end of a sentence, such as: “My 401K was at 30, now they flipped the script to 10! Playa, pleeeeease!” So there you go! Give rap lingo a try, and pretty soon when your officemates ask how you’re living, you’ll be saying “In mansions and Benzes, givin’ ends to my friends and it feels stupendous.” Word.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Acne. Heartache. Knife-wielding madmen. Herpes. Teenagers have a lot of fears. Not least among them is accidentally eating body parts. According to Salon.com, a female student in Hyannis, MA, did just that when she bit into her cafeteria sandwich and spit out a piece of a thumb, complete with thumbnail. (And we thought we experienced humiliation in high school.) Officials determined that the thumb belonged to a cafeteria worker who had severed it in a slicer accident earlier in the week. According to a cafeteria supervisor, the slicing machine had been sanitized and all nearby food had been thrown out, though slicer topspin could have propelled the thumb almost anywhere. “Obviously this is completely unacceptable,” said a spokesperson for the cafeteria worker. Uh, y’think? The girl, who is still hoping to attend her prom, asked not to be identified.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3 Holy Biblical Bacchanalia, Batman! The New York Times reported today that Jesus-crazy, bible-thumping, theme park fans have a vacation destination all their own: The Holy Land Experience. Where do I find this land of heavenly distraction, you ask? Why the modern Sodom, of course: Orlando, Florida. Pack up the Gideon and dress the kids in their Sunday best, the church bus leaves in a half an hour. Some of the spectacles that await you include a re-creation of the Qumran caves where the Dead Sea Scrolls were hidden, and a replica of a street market complete with the piped-in sounds of camels and goats! Perfect for the family who finds that heathen Jew Mickey Mouse offensive. Besides, why go all the way to Jerusalem when you can visit the scale model?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4 According to The New York Times today, the world’s first hand transplant recipient, Clint Hallam, has had the donor hand amputated at his request. Doctors claim that he had stopped taking his anti-rejection medication. Hallam denied this, explaining that he had asked for the hand to be removed because he was growing tired of the hand jokes. He cited “Give me a hand–oh, you already have one!” and “Nice hand job,” as being among the particularly bad ones. Immediately following the procedure Hallam received a call from the Dalai Lama who reportedly wished him a speedy recovery and wanted to know the answer to a legendary Zen koan. We respect Hallam’s right to hand off an unwanted appendage, but it seems a shame to waste five perfectly good digits–especially when there’s a Hyannis cafeteria worker in need of a thumb.

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