MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Massive floods! Highly infectious disease! Widespread drought!
That’s what we can all look forward to in the coming decades if global warming isn’t stopped, a UN scientific team warned today. But that’s not the half of it!
They also said we can expect glaciers and polar icecaps melting, “countless” species
of animals and plants dying out, rich farmland being reduced to dust, and small
islands sinking into the sea! That’s why it’s more important than ever that we
reprint the following story from the New York Post gossip column, Page
6, about supermodel Claudia Schiffer and a naked dwarf.

“Teutonic temptress Claudia Schiffer almost had a risqué run-in with a naked dwarf. According to London’s Daily Mail, the frisky fellow rode his bicycle nude to the home of the übermodel’s mother in Germany and rang the bell. But when police arrived, they could not arrest the man because of an obscure German law that protected him as a ‘performance artist,’ since he was selling postcards at the time. Schiffer’s rep insists the incident happened a year ago, and that in any case, the naked nuisance was ‘not a dwarf.'”

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20
The Oregon Environmental Council announced today that they are making it a top
legislative priority to eliminate the Mercury in order to protect
our state’s rivers and children. Now, One Day has been tracking this
anti-Mercury trend on a national level for some time, as in the case
where an Illinois environmental group actively tried to remove Mercury from many older homes. We knew it was only a matter of time before our own home
state would get the bright idea to kick us in the fanny. However, we did not
realize how many of our own legislators that we’ve pissed on within these very
pages would turn against us; 27 of them have agreed to sign a bill that would
outlaw our paper, branding it a “contaminant.” A proponent of the bill
had this to say about our paper: “We need to worry about Mercury because
it is so persistent. Once it’s released, it doesn’t go away. It builds
up in humans and animals, and it’s highly toxic.” They even say we contaminate
fish!! Look, people: just because the occasional Mercury may blow down
Burnside and into the Willamette, don’t blame us if your fish tastes crappy!
Those three-eyed trout tasted like shit loooooooong before we ever got
here!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
Tonight, the most boring award show in the universe, the Grammys, attempted
to make itself less boring by teaming up a homophobe with a homo. Rapper Eminem was joined onstage by octogenarian gay Elton John in a deeply odd performance
of “Stan,” a touching ballad about fame and a horrible car accident–which coincidentally
shares the same theme as Elton John’s ode to Princess Diana, “Candle
in the Wind 2000.” Huh. Weird. Anyway, it was boring. But, here’s the really
exciting part! After the ceremony, Grammy winners Destiny’s Child were
flying-oh, who knows where-and were sitting right next to a very close
friend of Kyla, a frequent reader of One Day at a Time! And according
to this friend, they were very friendly and upbeat–until the poor girl threw
up on them. That’s right; a friend of a frequent One Day reader vomited on all three members of Des-tiny’s Child! Which begs the question: While
we’re sure Kyla’s friend can pay the telephone bills, and maybe even pay the
automo-bills–will she be able to pay the dry-cleaning bills?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22
My, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were busy little
beavers today. As if Sean “Puffy” Combs doesn’t have enough to deal with,
PETA has been hanging a series of damning posters around NYC that feature his
picture. In the poster, the dapper Combs wears a luxurious salt-and-pepper fur
coat–along with the phrase “Accessory to Murder” scrawled in blood-red
letters. And just in case anyone needs to be clobbered further by this point,
the poster also included an inset photograph of a bloody, skinned and unsightly
mink lying dead in the dirt. PETA followed this with a proposed lawsuit against
the producers of TV’s Survivor for last week’s highly publicized pig-killing
incident. And just to show that PETA can get more things done in a day than
most of us can accomplish in a lifetime, they still had time to create another
poster campaign in which naked women are painted with tiger stripes to protest
the cruelty of circus life. Wow! With ideas like that, they should forget calling
themselves PETA and change their acronym to S.U.B.T.L.E.!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Pull on your comfortable marching shoes. Heat up the button maker. According
to today’s Oregonian, it looks like Lars Larson is going to run
for governor. Of Oregon. Lars Larson. The conservative talk show host/ex-newsman?
Proponent of all that is evil? The goober? Oh, come on now, people, look alive.
Lars Larson running for governor? There hasn’t been this much potential protest
fun since, well, last November. You’re not impressed, are you? There might be
some looting There, a few of you perked up. We’re pretty sure he’s against skateboards.
And drummers. And lattes. In fact, there’s a rumor he’s against Subarus. And
Polarfleece. Oregonians unite against Lars! Meet at the Pioneer Square
Starbucks and begin the rousing of the rabble! And, Lars, if you do declare,
just know that you’re not the only barb-ready local media star willing to fling
a sun hat into the ring. Two words for you, darling: Governor Romano.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24
My friends, we have won. According to today’s Oregonian, The Pepsi
Girl is soon to go the way of smallpox and non-recyclable Styrofoam. Known
to her parents as Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the Pepsi Girl is loathed by
all right-thinking people for her part in the Regal Cinemas “drink-Pepsi-and-oh-yeah–no-smokin'”
spot that plays before every frickin’ feature. The spot is set in an Old West
saloon, and features the voice of Jack Palance looped over that of the
Pepsi Girl, or as she is oft-described, the “curly-haired, deep-dimpled, adorable
little moppet.” No word on whether Pepsi will continue to use the Pepsi Girl
in commercials, though according to our sources, she was recently spotted at
a trendy Miami club canoodling with Gary Coleman and harassing patrons
to turn off their cell phones and beepers. She was drinking Coke.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25
This just in from the L.A. Times-Washington Post news service; the Hell’s
Angels may be involved in gang activity! According to the article,
“A national Hell’s Angels leader, who for two decades, cultivated the image
of an upstanding citizen, has been indicted for heading a criminal gang whose
activities include the sale of drugs to high school students.” We are SHOCKED.
What tipped his hand? The tattoos? The leather chaps? Or was it the jacket
with the words “Hell’s Angel” stitched across the back? Doesn’t anyone read
Hunter S. Thompson anymore? Gas up the hogs, folks; we’re headed to Riverside.