THURSDAY MARCH 15
Whoopsy! Today a U.S. Navy F/A-18 war plane made a minor tactical error when
it accidentally dropped a 500-pound bomb on a group of military observers
in the Kuwaiti desert, killing five U.S. soldiers and a New Zealander. But that’s
not the only embarrassing thing the military did today! The Army also decided
to prove how GAY they really are. As reported a few months ago in One
Day, the Army has decided to forego their old headgear, exchanging it for
a fanciful beret (the traditional headgear of the French, the high-school
drama club student, and the gay). However, a crisis erupted this week when it
was discovered the only way the army would get their precious berets in time for
their birthday on June 14, would be to buy the hats from a foreign source; the
CHINESE (aka Red Menace). The U.S. Army prancing around in swishy Commie-made
berets? One Day suggests if the army really wants to create that special
one-of-a-kind look, forget the Chinese and go with the best: Todd Oldman,
Vera Wang or, if they’re really lucky, Giorgio Armani. Good luck,
girls!

TUESDAY MARCH 13
From the beret to another unwelcome comeback, this week’s Sports Illustrated announced that Michael Jordan is “90 percent committed” about returning
to basketball next season. Citing the always 100 percent accurate “unidentified
source,” SI reports that Jordan, who led the Bulls to three straight
championships before retiring to make commercials for Hanes underwear, will
also be joined on the court by another NBA grandpa, Charles Barkley.
The report states that the creaky 38-year-olds have been vigorously working
out to remove the lard that often accompanies retirement. It’s said that Jordan
gained 25 pounds after giving up the game, while Barkley has ballooned to a
frightfully tubby 337 pounds. Sources close to the ill-tempered porker say he’s
dropped 30 pounds already, but it’s unclear if this impressive loss is due to
the popular, but controversial, Subway Sandwich Diet. As of this time,
Jordan and Barkley are both denying the validity of the report.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 14
Like many women of our generation, One Day likes sex, but doesn’t like
the inconvenience of getting pregnant. That’s why we stay up on the latest technology
from the world of contraceptive devices. Today doctors at Oregon Health
Sciences University announced a new contraceptive that has been approved by
the U.S. government, and is available in local clinics. Called the “Mirena
intra-uterine device,” this anti-baby batter/ pro-whoopee-maker is plastic,
shaped like a “T” and lovingly dipped in a layer of time-released progesterone.
This hormone renders the uterine wall inactive, interrupting the reproductive
cycle, thereby shortening the number of days of bleeding, and increasing the
number of days one can swim, ride horses, and (of course) make rumpy-bumpy.
A doctor is required to insert the device, and while it doesn’t come cheap (400
bucks), the Mirena lasts for years and the effects are easily reversed after
the device is removed. Plus, the device can also be easily marketed by losing
the dumb name of “Mirena intra-uterine device,” and naming it after its “T”
shape. For example, “Tired of unwanted pregnancies? This is a job for ‘Mr.
T’! I pity the fertilized egg that attaches to my endometrium!”

THURSDAY MARCH 15
Today in 44 B.C., Roman emperor Julius Caesar ignored the warnings of
astrologer Spurinna to “beware the Ides of March.” As it turned out,
Caesar should’ve been more attentive, for on March 15 of that year, his enemies
assassinated him at the foot of Pompey’s statue in the temple of Venus. Today,
roughly 2045 years later, a Portland man ignored similar warnings by purchasing
tires from Les Schwab and accepting free meat. Craig Knott of
Southeast Portland says he has always been attracted by the Les Schwab promise
of giving away free meat with every tire purchase, and when his own tires began
to show signs of wear, his tire company choice was made simple. “I needed new
tires, and I like meat,” Craig said. However, friends and coworkers were dubious
about Craig’s choice to accept frozen meat from a tire dealer, and warned
him repeatedly against it. Ignoring their pleas, Craig purchased a set of
four Firestone radials at the Les Schwab Tire Center located at 122nd and Sandy
Boulevard. In exchange he was presented with two summer sausages, which
he promptly took home and fried up in a pan. After eating the sausage, he watched
an episode of Survivor on television, caught up on a few e-mails, and
sat in a chair reading a book. At midnight, it was obvious Craig had suffered
no ill effects from eating the Les Schwab sausage, other than a mild case of
indigestion. Did this mean it’s no longer necessary to fear the prophet’s
warning to “beware the Ides of March”? “Umm, sure, I guess so.” Craig said with
a shrug. “What’s the Ides of March?”

FRIDAY MARCH 16
The Oregonian reported today that while Oregon’s high school dropout
rate is still frightfully embarassing, “more must be done to keep students
in school,” Superintendent Stan Bunn was quoted as saying. Well, Stan, we’ve
put on our thinking cap and come up with a solution. A clothing allowance.
We’ve all heard the argument for school uniforms–there’s a lot of peer pressure
to look phat, and not every kid can afford the right brand of baggy trousers.
Who knows how many kids drop out of school every year just to avoid one more
potshot about “last year’s Abercrombie”? How can a school district strapped
for cash afford to clothe their students in trendy threads? We have a no-cost
solution: Fashion sponsors. If Pepsi can pay a school for an endorsement,
why not Tommy Hilfiger? The kids get an education. And khakis. Everybody
wins.

SATURDAY MARCH 17
The New York Times reported today that Glenn Hughes, 50, the biker from
The Village People, has died of lung cancer. Mr Hughes got the gig when
he responded to an ad seeking “gay singers and dancers, very good-looking and
with mustaches.” The group, formed by a Frenchman, represented fetishized American
macho stereotypes and was conceived as an act for gay discos. Fortunately,
the Frenchman underestimated American’s thirst for a good beat and ability for
self-delusion, and the band soon swept the nation, finding immense popularity
among people who, unaccountably, seemed to have no inkling that the band members
were gay. Mr. Hughes, whose handlebar mustache and signature swagger made him
a crowd favorite, will be missed. Here’s hoping he’s found a room at that YMCA in the sky.

SUNDAY MARCH 18
Is nothing sacred? According to The New York Times, two former antique
dealers from The Antiques Roadshow have been charged with fraud
for allegedly faking on-air appraisals. The charges stem from an incident
last year when the dealers were discovered to have provided antique swords to
friends who then brought them in and were “surprised” to learn their immense
value. Next we’ll be finding out that Click and Clack aren’t really brothers,
and that the antelope on Wild Kingdom were animatronic muppets.
One whisper of scandal involving Jim Lehrer, and we’re demanding our
35 bucks back.