MONDAY, APRIL 9
It was most certainly NOT a good weekend for poor Steve Buscemi who, while
filming a movie in Wilmington, North Carolina, was stabbed in the face,
throat, and arm in a bar brawl on Friday. Though he is resting comfortably today,
the star of Trees Lounge still looked like his character in Fargo after being shot in the cheek (sans little pieces of toilet paper). The melee
started after he and co-star Vince Vaughn were having some drinks at the
Firebelly Lounge (mistake #1). According to a witness, “Vince Vaughn was
being a jerk,” to the locals (mistake #2), when the actor was surrounded
and asked to step outside to settle the matter. Pushing and name-calling ensued,
and when Buscemi tried to play peacemaker by stepping between the morons
(BIIIIIIG mistake #3), the bug-eyed actor received a shank to the face, throat,
and arm for his trouble. The police finally ended the fracas by dousing the crowd
in pepper spray. While two of the offending hee-haws were tossed into the
New Hanover County jail, Vince Vaughn blithely hopped into the studio jet and
winged his way back to L.A. to begin shooting Made, costarring Jon Favreau,
Famke Janssen, and (no stranger himself to public altercations) Sean “P.
Diddy” Combs. Happily for all involved, the sweet-as-pie Buscemi was back
home in New York today and, according to his publicist, “things could’ve been
worse.” (As in, Buscemi could’ve died before renegotiating the publicist’s raise.)
Hooray for Hollywood!

TUESDAY, APRIL 10
And while we’re at it, hooray for history! A panel of scholars concluded today
that Thomas Jefferson more than likely did NOT impregnate his
household slave Sally Hemings. A year-long study of historic records–which
we know are NEVER, EVER, EVER wrong–would seem to dispute earlier genetic
tests that Jefferson fathered Hemings’ youngest son, Eston. According to the
report, the likely father of young Eston was probably Thomas Jefferson’s younger
brother, George Jefferson. George is said to have denied the charges, especially
to his wife, “Wheezy.”

But enough of stupid, boring history! Let’s get to what the public is really clamoring for; hot juicy dish on delectable dreamboat, Benicio Del Toro! One Day hot tipper Riot O’Darby sent in this titillating tidbit after reading last week’s entry where hot tipper Rebecca was “winked” at by the one and only BDT. “A wink from Benicio?” Riot snorts, “Big deal! Last week I was an extra for The Hunted and met William “Exorcist” Friedkin, Tommy Lee Jones, and Benicio. They all kick ass and are very nice. Benicio shook hands and talked with EVERY extra on the set–right before he got back into his black Lincoln Navigator because it was ‘too cold.’ (Boo hoo!) Just for the record: BDT’s stunt double is named Omar, TLJ’s double is named Randy, and Benicio says he doesn’t like coffee. I also told him my girlfriend wanted to fuck him and he replied, ‘I know.’ What a character.”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11
While the newly appointed Attorney General John Ashcroft is best known
for his anti-abortion and anti-gay stances, who knew that he was such an aficionado
of reality television? In a move as shocking as when the Barramundi tribe’s
rice-tin was swept away by a flash flood, Ashcroft announced today that the
Justice Department will allow a closed circuit broadcast of the upcoming execution
of Timothy McVeigh. Currently held in a federal prison in Terre Haute,
Indiana, McVeigh is scheduled to be put to death by lethal injection on May
16 for his part in the Oklahoma City bombing. The dilemma that led to the closed-circuit
arrangement was this: The prison facilities in Terre Haute (which, btw, is also
home to the fastest human-powered submarine in Indiana!) only seat eight
people. Meanwhile, 250 victims and survivors of the bombing have requested to
view the execution. But federal regulations prohibit public broadcast of such
events. Instead of holding a lottery to decide who would receive the coveted
eight ringside seats, the Justice Department resolved to go the “closed-circuit”
route. They also hastily added that the broadcast will be done on a “secure”
network; one that hackers won’t be able to access–much to heartbreaking dismay
of Survivor producer Mark Burnett.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12
The cozy oceanfront town of Seaside, Oregon was rocked to its foundations today
by a nudie cheerleader internet scandal! Police are investigating allegations
that there are partially nude photos of several Seaside High School cheerleaders
being passed around on e-mail. While Clatsop County District Attorney Josh
Marquis is being infuriatingly tight-lipped about the details, high school
junior Solomon McHenry saw the photos and happily flapped his gums for
the Oregonian, confirming that not only were the girls cheerleaders,
they were still partially clad in their uniforms. Though we would all
love to know how those photos got there in the first place, this part of the
story is for now, a mystery. What we do know is that disseminating sexually
explicit photos of people younger than 18 is a crime punished by 10 years in
prison, and is as serious a charge as making a joke about nudie cheerleaders,
or even worse, Nader-Traitors.

FRIDAY, APRIL 13
Bad luck for the Butcher of the Balkans. According to The New York Times today, Slobodan Milosevic doesn’t have heart disease after all. Transferred
from his jail cell to a military hospital after complaining of “chest pains,”
Slobo tried to pull a Pinochet, but was thwarted by docs who saw through his
crybaby ways. (Apparently his heart is fine; just made of resin.) Could
it be that those chest pains were symptomatic of some other malady? For instance,
human emotions? No. He was probably just gassy.

SATURDAY, APRIL 14
The New York Times reported today that H.R. Ball, the man who invented
the annoying and ubiquitous yellow smiley face icon, has died. Ball was
paid $45 for the image, received no royalties, and was continually fighting
claims by imposters like that über-usurper Forrest Gump who tried
to pass off the smiley face as his own. The smiley face reached its peak in
1971, when 50 million smiley face buttons were sold. Also at its peak in 1971?
Richard Nixon, Evel Knievel, Shaft, and Ram Dass.
Mr. Ball is survived by a distant cousin, Mr. Yuck, of Boca Raton, Florida.

SUNDAY, APRIL 15
Today the Oregonian reported that the U.S. Navy has begun broadcasting
radio pleas aimed at convincing Puerto Ricans that it needs to resume
training on the outlying Puerto Rican island of Vieques. The Navy has used part
of the island, which is populated, as a testing area for many years, but in
April of 1999 they–whoopsy!–accidentally killed a local, and now Vieques residents
are to vote on November 6 on whether to send the Navy packing. If you are from
Vieques, and are over 18, you must send a message. Do not be swayed by the Navy’s
slick radio advertising campaign. That is not really Casey Kasem; just
a celebrity impersonator. They will not really give you beads. Or Hershey bars.
Just cancer.

Also today, Christ hath risen.