MONDAY, APRIL 16
Today started with no small measure of anxiety (and not just because of Oregon’s
overcomplicated tax forms). Aaron Sorkin, the Emmy-winning creator of our
favorite show, The West Wing, was arrested on felony drug-possession
charges after police allegedly caught him at the Burbank Airport with a hefty
bag of “magic mushrooms.” After the hallucinogenic vegetables (mushrooms
are vegetables, right?) were found in Sorkin’s carry-on bag, he was detained in
the Burbank City jail for three hours before being released on $10,000 bail. It
is not known whether Sorkin was taking mushrooms while writing episodes of The
West Wing, but if he was, there’s no reason why a similar substance couldn’t
help One Day at a Time. Meanwhile, admitted doper Woody Harrelson launched what he likes to call his “Sustainable Organic Living” free speech tour
down the Pacific coast. The 1,500-mile bike ride started in Seattle, and will
continue to Los Angeles, stopping only to speak at eight colleges, conduct “spontaneous
yoga classes” and camp in state parks. Travelling alongside Harrelson in an
old Chicago transit bus (don’t worry! It runs on hemp fuel!) are his yoga teacher,
a documentary filmmaker, and a raw-food chef who will undoubtedly make
delectable dishes from the constant supply of wheatgrass being grown on the bus.
And we would like it to be noted that we got through this entire story without
one single joke about the hippies.

TUESDAY, APRIL 17
After finally accepting the befuddling news that George W. Bush is the
President of the United States, One Day woke up to even more bizarro
news: The Oregonian won two Pulitzer Prizes for–get this–journalism!
Only the New York Times and Chicago Tribune bagged as many Pulitzers,
meaning (hold your breath) the Oregonian is now one of the three best
papers in the country. Ka-BOING!! And, as if that wasn’t strange enough to send
our day into a perpetual tailspin, this afternoon we spotted towering Blazer
Rasheed Wallace strolling down Northwest 23rd. Normally, this wouldn’t
be unsettling in the least–except it was at gametime! And why wasn’t
he with the rest of the boys getting a schooling from the San Antonio Spurs?
Only two days earlier Rasheed had uncharacteristically lost his cool (note sarcasm)
and thrown a towel in the face of the equally monolithic Arvydas Sabonis.
Now we can understand why the outburst would cost him a single-game suspension,
but did they really have to force him to windowshop at Pottery Barn?
That’s cruel and unusual punishment!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18
Oh, those ka-razy cops, and their wacky shenanigans! A Beaverton police sergeant
has resigned and seven officers have been suspended for a week without pay,
due to a hee-larious prank that went awry. Four officers were on a stakeout
in which they were watching a business they believed would be burglarized. Suddenly,
from out of the building strolls a burglar carrying a box–but see, it wasn’t
really a burglarit was a cop dressed up like a burglar! Naturally,
the cop who they were playing the prank on didn’t know this, and he pulled his
gun, pointed it at the “burglar” and was like “Freeze! You’re under arrest!”
And the “burglar” cop dropped the box, threw his hands up, and probably said
something like, “Hey, O’Mulligan! Relax, baby! It’s me, O’Reilly!
See? Look at the bushy moustache!” Then, hilarity ensued for all–except for
the prideful O’Mulligan, who did not take kindly to jokes of this sort. A heated
exchange broke out, resulting in several dismissals and the resignation of the
sergeant who okayed the prank. This unfortunate occurrence adds cops to the
list of people who can’t take a joke, along with airport security, hippies,
and (celebrating its third mention in as many weeks) Nader traitors.

THURSDAY, APRIL 19
Today a United Airlines jet was diverted to Anchorage from its scheduled flight
to China thanks to twin sisters who engaged in a mid-air hair-pulling catfight!
Twenty-two-year-olds Cynthia and Crystal Mikuta managed to contain their
sibling rage until four hours into the flight–and then the screaming started.
The shrieking din rose to such a heightened pitch, a flight attendant rushed
over to calm the sisters–and was summarily socked in the nose. A pilot
then intervened, and actually sat down with the sisters to soothe the situation–until
he was hit in the head. Then the flight crew joined the fray, putting
Cynthia in flexible handcuffs, which worked great–until Crystal put another
attendant in a chokehold. Finally the twins were restrained and the flight
touched down in Anchorage where the troublesome twosome was arrested for interfering
with flight crew members. As for the rest of the passengers, they were just
happy to have something more entertaining to watch than Mel Gibson’s The Patriot.

FRIDAY, APRIL 20
According to The New York Times, the twin girls who were adopted
over the Internet by two different couples are back in the U.S. The twins were
first sold to a California couple, who paid $6,000 to an Internet placement
service, and then to a Welsh couple, who paid $12,000 to the same service.
Both adoptions have been voided, and the twins, whose parents now want them
back, are in Missouri, awaiting a decision by a judge. The case has only become
more complicated in the light of recent rumors that the girls in question are
none other than Jenna and Barbara Bush, the twin daughters of the president.
Our sources inside the Beltway speculate that the president tried to sell the
girls, after a tabloid reported they were both hard-partying lesbian drunkards.
He hoped to start fresh by adopting the Olson twins, but they were sold
to Miramax before he had a chance to bid on them.

SATURDAY, APRIL 21
The Oregonian reported today that NASA has all but approved California
millionaire Denis Tito’s flight to the international space station. Tito
(not related to the deceased Balkan dictator or the Jackson family) has so much
money that he has financed his own rocket ship vacation, asking only that he
be granted room and board, with limited room service and access to the pool
and weight room. NASA refers to their exception to their “no civilian rule”
as “grudging” and “one-time.” We think it’s a great idea. Other people we’d
like to see in space? Kid Rock, Trent Lott, Tara Reid,
John Ashcroft, Fred Durst, and Hallie Kate Eisenberg. Hey,
Tito, do you need a crew?

SUNDAY, APRIL 22
We were thumbing through our premier issue of mary-kateandashley magazine, and now it’s time to eat some crow. We were certain those ugly babies
who played creepy Michelle Tanner on Full House would be in juvie lock-up
before you could say “Dana Plato.” Instead the blonde doppelgangers have
stuck to pop culture like Super Glue on finger skin. Now with their new glossy
for “real girls” they have joined the rising tide of celebrity-branded media.
What do they have to say? What’s lame: way-too-short shirts, simple jewelry,
anything mesh other than workout shorts. What’s game: denim, “the E!
True Hollywood Story,” boy bands, and lip gloss. Right now, somewhere in New
York, Tina Brown is wetting her pants.