MONDAY, JULY 2
While many of us without a care in our heads took to the open road to celebrate
summer, the International War Crimes Tribunal was stuck indoors, busy trying to
tie up a few untidy loose ends from the past decade. And it doesn’t look like
the Tribunal’s esteemed judges will be heading for the French Riviera to work
on their tans anytime soon. Today The New York Times warned that the Tribunal’s
case against Slobodan Milosevic might not be so “simple to prove.” Mass
graves have been uncovered, rapes reported, evidence gathered, clues compiled,
and testimony transcribed; yet, prosecutors fear “pieces of evidence might be
missing” that are needed to link Milosevic to the crimes. Milosevic, dubbed “The
Butcher of The Balkans,” claims to have been “at Pebble Beach” during the genocide.
Yet a bloody glove found outside of the crime scene indicates otherwise; Marcia
Clark has reportedly packed up her Clairol home perm kit and is on her way to
The Hague. Lord help them. Milosevic, who can produce hotel and caddy receipts
from the Pebble Beach trip, says the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion.
He added that he’s willing to call it even, if the Bosnians are. No Bosnians could
be found for comment.

TUESDAY, JULY 3
Speaking of crimes against humanity, we have more news about the mad hugger!
Last week we reported that our good friend Susan had been squeezed like a roll
of Charmin by a half-cracked and aggressively sociable woman named Tina.
Since then, letters, telegrams, and emails have poured in from frightened Portlanders.
One reader reports that she was a victim of Tina as far back as a few months
ago. The incident occurred on 5th Avenue outside of the Pioneer Courthouse.
Tina approached the victim, made verbal contact, then hugged her and would not
release, despite the victim’s flailing. Tina even asked the victim repeatedly
to come home with her. How long has Tina been on the loose? Why has the
city not yet taken action? Are you in any danger? Write your representative!
Demand a citywide curfew! Stop, drop, and roll! And remember, no one has the
right to touch you in your bathing suit area.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 4
To celebrate our country’s birth today, One Day lit two hundred twenty-five
Roman candles, and sat down and shuddered after listening to our president.
The following is a verbatim excerpt from a George W. Bush speech given
today at the Jefferson Memorial: “Well, it’s an unimaginable honor to be the
president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words
say, for starters. The great inalienable right of our country. We’re blessed
with such values in America. And I–it’s–I’m a proud man to be the nation based
upon such wonderful values.” In other news, business came to a halt as the nation
spent today in quiet contemplation of the American paradox.

THURSDAY, JULY 5
You can stop worrying about Benicio Del Toro’s financial solvency (can’t
you just love him for his soul, and not his laserdisc collection?). His potential
unemployment was averted today when it was reported that Hollywood actors and
studios have reached a tentative new contract, averting the threat of an actors’
strike. Benicio’s career will not be interrupted! Whew and double ph-whew!
The three-year contract increases the minimum rates that actors are paid for
speaking roles. Sadly, though, the contract came one day too late. A mere twenty-four
hours before the final contract was hammered out, Robert Iler, the 16-year-old
actor who plays A.J. Soprano, on The Sopranos, was arrested in
New York City for stealing $40 and a gold chain from two teenage victims on
the Upper Eastside. Earning only a paltry quarter-million a year, he reportedly
needed the money to buy bread for his aging, puppeteer father.

FRIDAY, JULY 6
One Day wishes to extend a happy fifty-five today to George W. Bush on his birthday. And how did our revered leader celebrate? After a rousing game
of golf, Bush took the opportunity to ratchet up his cold war against abortion
rights, pushing a new policy that would allow states to define “an unborn
child” as a person eligible for medical coverage under the Children’s Health
Insurance Program (although this medical care coverage will end at birth). Fetuses
(feti?) are only one of several items that Bush hopes to declare “unborn children”
and provide with additional federal protections. Also listed were Pottery
Barn lamps, Leonard Maltin, ten-sided die, Leinenkugel’s beer cans, the
Monty Python VHS box set, staplers, eyeglass screwdrivers, the soundtrack from
Fiddler on the Roof (the original motion picture), dry erase boards,
Jay & Silent Bob action figures, water pipes, green highlighter pens, cups of
all sorts, John Waters movies, Wells Fargo Bank, cinnamon disc candies, Dave
Eggers, SoBe Energy Citrus Flavored Beverage, black semi fine point uni-ball
pens, Baptists, and France. It will be a sad day in this country when we have
to dispose of our uni-balls in a back alley.

SATURDAY, JULY 7
The New York Times reported today that a company called
Transgenic Pet in Syracuse, New York is close to producing a genetically modified
cat. Developed through cloning and genetic manipulation, the kitties will be
engineered to be non-allergenic to humans, thereby allowing even the most cat-sensitive
person the basic right of petting pussy without fear of dander. Transgenic Pet
is expecting to offer the rich their first litter in 2003. Now, if they could
just find a way to makes cats fetch, bark, and wiggle with delight when we got
home; then we might be interested.

SUNDAY, JULY 8
In no great shock to anyone, Representative Gary Condit has finally admitted
to investigators that he had a romantic relationship with intern du jour Chandra
Levy. Chandra, age 24, disappeared without a trace in late April. DC police
have not turned up any clues to her whereabouts, but said in a press conference
today that they suspect either foul play or that she has amnesia and is aimlessly
walking the DC streets. Chandra’s sensible, curly-haired family has repeatedly
pleaded with Condit to admit the affair, but until recently he has lied through
his teeth, proving what a spineless self-absorbed toad he really is. Doesn’t
anyone watch Quincy? She got pregnant, and he murdered her. It-is-so-obvious.
Despite this, Condit, incredibly, is not a suspect, as the DC police maintain
that it was Colonel Mustard in the parlor with a rope. Meanwhile interns in
our nation’s capital are considering organizing a union to demand that the government
cover condom and dry-cleaning costs. They also want to put a stop to the “routine
gynecological exams” currently required by The House, and carried out by Trent
Lott. Hey, we just report the news. We’re not responsible for any damaging visual
images you might have while reading it.