MONDAY, JULY 23
“The girls danced and started fondling me,” said poor, put-upon basketball
star Patrick Ewing, as he testified in court today about a strip club that
federal prosecutors believe is a front for the Gambino organized crime family.
Making the accusation that Atlanta’s famous Gold Club has been luring professional
sports figures into the establishment with complimentary “hummers,” prosecutors
are now trying to prove that Steve Kaplan, the owner of the club, is using
prostitution in order to increase business and pay off a debt to the Gambinos.
And as far as marketing schemes go, this one really seems to work! According to
Ewing, he received similar sexual favors while visiting the club with former Knicks
teammates Larry Johnson, John Starks, and Charles Oakley.
A former Gold Club stripper, Jana Pelnis, testified that she was paid hundreds
of bucks by Kaplan to orally service Ewing and other athletes (including Denver
Broncos football star Terrell Davis) at the 1999 Super Bowl. She was also
quick to inform the court that she had since quit her job as a “blow-job administrator
to the stars” and is now pursuing a career as a day-care worker. Hey! What
kid wouldn’t want a teacher that showed Patrick Ewing how to dribble? (We
know ewwww.)
TUESDAY, JULY 24
At 9 am this morning, roughly 500 people were lining up around the block outside
Portland’s Hilton Hotel to audition for the popular ABC gameshow, Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire? Hosted by the lovably cantankerous Regis
Philbin, Millionaire is different from other gameshows in that contestants
are not required to exhibit any semblance of personality and are often given
upwards of three years to answer each question. But this didn’t deter the 500
people who were waiting in line (some since the previous evening) to take their
shot at winning a million bucks. When asked by the Oregonian what some
of the would-be contestants would do with a million bucks, the responses varied
from “bringing a baseball team to Portland,” “buying out Bob Whitsitt’s contract,”
and taking “$10,000 to play poker.” Meanwhile, some 5 blocks away, roughly 75
homeless and poor people were also lining up, this time at the Union Gospel
food and homeless shelter, to see if they would be eligible to play the game
Who Wants to Eat Today?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25
African-American school board member Derry Jackson made a half-hearted
attempt at a public apology today, after some eyebrow-arching comments
made to the Oregonian Saturday about the Jews. Jackson stated
that the newspaper took his quotes “out of context” when he said, “This is a
group [the Jews] that came into this country equal to, if not less than, African-Americans.
And today they run the country.” He also allegedly noted, “I do not see
Jews struggling to get over the achievement gap. I do not see Jews struggling
to feed their familiesIn fact, I see the Jews running everything.” Now Jackson
claims the paper distorted his comments, and that he was actually speaking “out
of admiration for the Jewish community.” Though Mayor Vera Katz found
his remarks to be anti-Semitic, Olan Farber, a crotchety old man found
drinking in a tavern on 82nd, agreed with Jackson, stating, “Jackson’s right,
goddammit! There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with admiring a race just because they
happen to be great at tap-dancing and playing basketball!”
THURSDAY, JULY 26
Though One Day has made a solemn vow to never utter the words “Chandra
Levy,” the story that follows reached such a level of ridiculousness, it
was impossible to pass up. Rep. Gary Condit, a suspect in the mysterious
disappearance of intern Chandra Levy, found himself on the receiving end of
multiple tongue-lashings from the biggest group of hypocrites on the planet,
the U.S. House of Representatives. One Representative who was being especially
tongue-lashy was Colorado Republican Scott McInnis, who yelled with venomous
morality, “I intend to immediately draft a rule that makes it unethical for a
United States Congressman to have a sexual relationship with an intern!” Though
uttering this quote should have signified an excellent time to shut up, he continued,
“We have to assure this nation that this is an institution of honor and that
our interns are not here for the love-making purposes of U.S. congressmen.”
Absolutely! After all, getting fucked up the ass is what constituents are for!
FRIDAY, JULY 27
This just in from The Oregonian: An Interstate 5 billboard that calls
the Pope “the Antichrist” has shockingly come under fire from Catholics.
Seems the Catholics feel that the Pope IS NOT the antichrist, but rather a holy
religious leader. The Archdiocese of Portland is asking all Catholics
to collectively demand that the billboard be removed and warning disbelievers
that God will punish us all for our impertinence. (In a related story, The
Oregonian reported today that gonorrhea and syphilis are on
the rise.) Of course everyone knows that the Pope is NOT the antichrist– Marilyn
Manson is. Yet these sorts of sticky religious situations seem to be tricky
to resolve.
SATURDAY, JULY 28
According to The New York Times today, scientists have retracted a 1999
claim that they had created a new, super-heavy element. It turns out
that subsequent testing failed to support the earlier findings, and a second
look at the original data indicated that the whole business was pretty much
a bunch of malarkey. “As scientists, we have a responsibility when a
mistake like that is made to fess up,” said bald-face lying scientist Dr.
Pier Oddone. He then admitted to faking the moon landing, fudging mammogram
results, and “pretty much fabricating the whole stem cell thing.” The element
retraction has sent shock waves through the scientific community, and has created
doubt among chemistry students everywhere who have begun to question
the validity of the periodic table. Several high-school chemistry clubs have
demanded that the scientific community produce evidence of uranium and hydrogen,
two elements that have always seemed highly improbable. The hubbub is expected
to lend fodder to the current grassroots movement to eliminate unreliable subjects
like science and math, and replace them with collage and photography.
SUNDAY, JULY 29
What have we been telling you? It turns out there is life on Mars! The
New York Times reports that some science guy, studying 25
year old mission-to-Mars data, has determined beyond a shadow of a doubt there
might be lifelike organisms on the red planet. Or at least, the science guy
says, he’s “ninety percent sure.” The science guy, an associate professor in
UCLA’s department of cell and neurobiology, says the proof lies in the fact
he has detected distinct rhythms in the levels of gas given off during
efforts to prompt the growth of microbial life in samples of Martian soil, thereby
implying a circadian rhythm that indicated life. Or something like that. Other
scholars were quick to cast doubt, implying that the science guy was a kook,
and that associate professors as a whole were sniveling, valueless drains on
the entire institution of academia. The science guy will present his findings
Sunday at the 46th annual meeting of the International Society for Optical Engineering
in (where else?) San Diego. That is, if the pod people don’t gut and
bury him first.