MONDAY, AUGUST 13
This incessant heat has got to stop! It’s wreaking all sorts of damage,
especially in the form of wildfires. In fact, the situation has become
so dire that Governor John Kitzhaber has declared a state of emergency,
calling out the National Guard to assist in putting out the blazes. While One
Day compliments the governor for realizing the seriousness of this situation,
he should also be calling for a state of emergency regarding a problem
directly relating to us ladies: the fire down below. That’s right. YEAST INFECTIONS.
Not only is this gross affliction spreading like wildfire through the Mercury office, it is causing countless Portland women unnecessary discomfort and unbearable
scratchiness. (Don’t believe it? The bare Monistat shelf at Walgreens should
provide proof a-plenty!) If you count yourself among this unfortunate horde of
women unable to keep your fingers away from that itchy yeast-pool, fear not! Here
are some tried and true remedies: Try Boric Acid suppositories, Gynelotrimin (instead
of Monistat–that shit don’t work!), and sticking garlic up your hooter. But the
best cure is Bach Rescue Remedy Cream (find it at your local hippie store
ahhhhh, so soothing). Things not to do: Don’t have sex, don’t have ORAL sex, don’t
wear underpants, don’t take a hot bath, and especially don’t cut hot chili peppers
and touch your Yani. Talk about your state of emergencies!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14
Today was a victory of sorts for the hippies of Hawthorne, when the public
relations firm representing McDonald’s announced that while their restaurant
planned for 34th and Hawthorne will still be built, they will not be adding
a drive-through. Regardless, it just goes to show that community involvement
can make a difference, and if you don’t believe it, just ask the Hindus.
McDonald’s also announced today, they will now provide more information about
their food’s ingredients. A lawsuit was filed claiming the franchise didn’t
reveal there was (gasp!) beef flavoring in their french fries. The suit
could possibly provide up to 16 million Hindus (whose religion forbids them
to eat cow) with class action status. A statement issued from McDonald’s noted,
“Because it is our policy to communicate with customers, we regret if customers
felt the information we provided was not complete enough to meet their needs.”
Wow! Who knew a robot could be taught to be passive aggressive?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15
The results are in: 70% of Europeans think George W. Bush is stupid.
According to a multinational poll released today, of the 4,000 adults polled
in France, Germany, Italy, and Great Britain, 70% thought that George W. knows
less about Europe than other American presidents–and that includes Ronald
Reagan, who was really, really stupid! In fact, two-thirds of British
and Italian respondents say they have little to no confidence in Bush’s ability
to handle world affairs. However, the Germans are cutting him a little more
slack; 51% say they have some confidence in his abilities. Bush immediately
struck back with some of his own statistics, claiming that “110% of French people
stink,” “557% of Germans are Nazis,” “332% of Italians make bad pizza,” and
“Great Britain that’s in England, right?”

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16
Hey, Gays! Better cancel that trip to South Dakota; they won’t even let you
pick up trash there! The Sioux Empire Gay and Lesbian Coalition is suing
the state of South Dakota for refusing to let them participate in a highway
litter cleanup program. It seems the state will not post a sign recognizing
the group–even though they gladly hang signs thanking churches, political parties,
and animal advocacy organizations. “Everybody else gets a sign!” stamped the
group’s attorney Mike Abourezk. However, the suit has fallen on the deaf
ears of the state’s Republican governor, William Janklow. He has threatened
to kill the entire trash pick-up program, rather than bestow the gays with a
sign thanking them for their efforts. Naturally, the governor is an idiot.
Gays are the most fastidious people in the world and should be allowed to tidy
up as much as they wish. (However, if they are using rainbow-colored trashbags?
Well. That’s a whole ‘nuther bucket of crabs.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17
Many of you may have read about the fiscal crisis in Brunei, due to the Prince
of Brunei’s poor money management. Reports claim he frittered away 15
billion dollars, leaving his tiny nation to eek what they could from a massive
yard sale that included several of the Prince’s gold-lined Jacuzzis. Well, we
have a confession to make: We spent the Prince of Brunei’s fortune. We
met at the Bandar Seri Begawan Hyatt a few years ago, and one thing led to another.
What can we say? NOTHING happened. It was completely INNOCENT. But the Prince
was smitten. He bought us a thousand cars and a marina. We explained
we had no place to pack them, but he insisted on shipping the booty home in
the belly of the Queen E II. For an entire month afterwards, we received lovely
gift baskets from the prince, filled with money. Of course, we never responded.
Being totally spoken for. Being absolutely in love. But, well, it seemed unsafe
to send back all that cash in the mail. So we spent it. On Biore facial strips (those are EXPENSIVE), massages, pennywhistles and moonpies. We had no idea
he had 35 children. We swear.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18
The New York Times reported today that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld wants a “smaller, more nimble military.” Rumsfeld, who is currently working
on revamping the U.S. Armed Forces, would not specify what exactly he
meant by his comments, nor how he would achieve it. Perhaps yoga and pilates?
Rumsfeld, reportedly an enthusiastic Jerry Lewis fan, evidently has tired
of the brawny military archetypes of yesteryear. His comments follow on the
heels of the recent replacement of the Army recruitment slogan, “Be All You
Can Be,” with the more confusing and Broadway-ready, “An Army of One.” You may
also remember that the Army recently ordered natty new black berets,
only to cancel the order when the media discovered the berets were being made
in China. Rumsfeld, who himself is smaller and more nimble than most secretaries
of defense, has promised that a flexible, well-toned military
can be just as deadly. The move is said to signal a friendlier stance towards
gays in the military. Ya think??

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19
Children can be such a bother, can’t they? Now it’s even getting harder to medicate
the little no-neck monsters. The New York Times reported today that several
states are introducing bills requiring that only doctors can recommend Ritalin,
as opposed to teachers or helpful strangers at the park. Apparently, some people
think the Ritalin thing has gotten a little out of hand. (We have been
noticing more full-page color ads of placated, large-headed darlings in our
Ladies’ Home Journal.) Apparently, Ritalin is so ubiquitous that
grown-ups who don’t even need it are taking it for their own nefarious purposes.
One elementary school principal in Utah was sentenced to 30 days in jail after
stealing his students’ Ritalin and replacing them with sugar pills–clearly
contrary to the goal at hand. We’re not sure what the fascination is. We took
Ritalin once and spent the rest of the night babbling about Communism and sucking
on our fingers.