MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 It was bad enough to discover that international terrorists had infiltrated our country, taking American jobs, learning to drive American hazardous waste trucks, and working out in our American gyms–but have they also taken up jobs in the Gresham Kmart? Late last night, KOIN 6 News received a copy of a fax addressed to someone named “Mohammad” that spoke of upcoming terrorist attacks on the West Coast, and it was faxed from a Kmart store located in Gresham. According to their report, an FBI agent questioned the manager of the store, who said the fax machine was accessible to employees as well as customers. Though probably just another hoax, our country cannot afford to take any chances and should immediately post U.S. Marshals next to the store’s fax machine, Martha Stewart’s new line of draperies, and the Icee dispenser. Safety comes at a cost–even if that cost is a marked-down blue-light special. Meanwhile! A report from the New York Post noted that the White House staff is madder than a poodle in a pigpen over Vice President Dick Cheney’s remarks on a recent edition of Meet the Press. Karen Hughes and Karl Rove, two of President Bush’s top aides, are allegedly furious because Cheney took too much credit for the events immediately following the attack on September 11. According to the Vice Prez, it was he who told Bush to fly around the country willy-nilly (for his own safety), it was he who sent Cabinet members to emergency shelters, and it was he who urged the President to scramble fighter jets to knock down any hijacked planes. Rove and Hughes hit the roof after these statements because, according to inside sources, he took “credit for all the major decisions sidelined the President” and made him “look like his puppet.” Cheney responded to this accusation by putting the President on his knee and making him sing the “Star Spangled Banner,” while Cheney drank a glass of water.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Is nothing sacred? That’s the question many Americans asked today after learning a house rented by Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake had been burglarized! Happily, the crown prince and princess of bubblegum pop were away from the house in Destin, Florida, when four teenage boys entered through an unlocked back door and made off with $5000 worth of video equipment (including a “personal” video tape of the two), liquor bottles (hey, hey, HEY!), and clothes (hopefully not their matching Dolce & Gabbana T-shirts). But before you hop on to Ebay looking for any of this ill-gotten booty, you should know that snoopy neighbors identified the perpetrators, who were then arrested and thrown in the pokey, the very next morning. One of the teens was caught making multiple dubs of the so-called “personal” videotape, and the cops are being infuriatingly silent about its contents. GOD! Why is life so UNFAIR??
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Just when you thought it was okay to like New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani again well, it’s not okay to like him again. After raising everyone’s spirits after the September 11th tragedy with his steadfast leadership and calming words of hope, this week he dropped all that crap and tried to sneak his way into another term in office. The mayor, who by law must step down from his position by the end of the year, presented the three new mayoral candidates with two choices: either agree to let him stay in office an extra three months, or he would run for another term as a Conservative Party candidate. To get the three-month extension would require new legislation to be passed (kinda hard and completely pointless). But for him to seek another full term would mean a repeal of the city-voter-approved legislation on term limits (really hard and pretty damn tacky). Regardless, we should all thank Rudy for his hard work during this crisis, and going the extra mile to remind us what a jerk he can be.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Speaking of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Today, two F-16 fighter jets were ordered to escort an Air Canada flight back to the airport because a passenger pitched a fit after being caught smoking in the bathroom. And here’s a shocker: He was an Iranian American! According to an airline spokesperson, passenger Javid Naghani became “verbally abusive” after being caught puffing in the can, and allegedly muttered an anti-American threat. Though the incident was resolved quickly, the pilot nevertheless turned the plane around and was escorted back to the airport by two F-16s. Naghani was then taken into custody. According to a report on KTLA-TV, a neighbor, Helene Apper, spoke up on Naghani’s behalf: “Do I think he would have lit a cigarette in a bathroom? Yes. Do I think he would have carried out some sort of threat to kill Americans? No.” Apper also noted that Naghani (who goes by the nickname “Crazy Charlie”) sometimes drinks too much, but has “a good heart.” A passenger, Rob Arnott, who was sitting near “Crazy Charlie” at the time, noted that he had heard him say he was going to sue the airline, but didn’t hear any anti-American threats. “[The officers] put an automatic rifle to the back of the guy’s head,” Arnott said. “I thought he might get killed for smoking while being an Arab.”
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Think you have it rough? Feeling low because you’ve been laid off from your dot com with 32 more months of Jetta payments? Blue because your Social Security nest egg has been earmarked for Afghan rebels? Gambled your student loan money on the stock market? Well, stop whining, because there are people worse off than you. Who? Drug dealers. Yes, drug dealers. Do you ever think about them? Have you even considered how the recent events, subsequent border lock-down, and the crack down on the travel industry has affected drug smugglers? Well, it’s been hard. There is a fleet of VW buses loaded down with Mexican ditch weed idling south of the border, even as you read this. There are college students at Barnard who have midterms coming up and are down to shake, my friends. People are owed money. The pipeline is drying up. All for the sake of national security. Yet do these drug dealers take to the street? Do they lobby the Capital for a reprieve? No. They idle in their VW buses waiting for that lauded “return to normalcy.” Want to help? Write your congressperson. Help bring your brothers home.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 According to The New York Times, Kansas senator Kay O’Connor (R) has announced that she opposes women’s suffrage. To review, women got the vote when the 19th Amendment was passed in 1920, but since then, O’Connor feels, the ladies have flitted farther and farther away from home and hearth, what with the flapper bob, the pill, and equal opportunity in the workplace. “We have a society that does tear family apart,” O’Connor said. “I think the 19th Amendment, while not evil in and of itself, is a symptom of something I do not approve of.” (O’Connor clearly does not take such issue with split infinitives.) O’Connor, who is 59, has clearly never had oral sex, and is opposed to pantsuits, women driving standard automobiles, intoxicants, emancipation from mental slavery, and sensible shoes.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Well, apparently there is a silver lining to all this terror attack business and subsequent global instability and military build-up: Cheap heroin!! Yes, kids, the Afghans are practically giving it away. According to the Knight Ridder News Service, poppy farmers fleeing impending American justice are selling their wares in Pakistan for a wink and smile. Unconfirmed reports further imply that the Taliban are liquidating vast stockpiles of heroin at blue-plate special prices in order to build their war chest. How much are we talking? You can buy a kilo wholesale for $1000, the lowest level in years. The catch? You’ve got to go to the Afghan-Pakistan border to do it. And then live there until its gone, because there’s no way to smuggle it out. But it’s worth it!