MONDAY, OCTOBER 29 Always a calming influence on the national psyche, U.S.
Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that we should expect unspecified
possible attacks against America “over the next week.” And although nothing
happened the last time Ashcroft made an announcement of this nature, we here at
One Day decided to get all our duckies in a row and prepare for the worst.
First thing: cancel that subscription to Jane. We’re sorry, but
we just feel like their sense of fashion has really become questionable as of
late, and besides, what if those enclosed perfume samples are coated with anthrax?
There’s nothing more unattractive than a black anthrax sore on the inside of one’s
wrist. Second: Hire neighborhood children to open our mail. It’s a proven
fact that kids have no regard for human life, and after all, they have to get
their money for those Pokey-man cards somewhere. Third: With such an unspecified
threat against our lives, it hardly makes sense to go to work. The best
thing for everyone to do is cuddle up on our couches all day with a bag of Pirate’s
Booty and a copy of Vogue–a periodical far superior to Jane.
Fourth: Since unspecified possible threats are far more worrisome that specific
actual threats, we’re stocking up on Clinique Total Turnaround Visible Skin
Renewer. It visibly reduces worry lines, is 100% fragrance free, and trust
us–the last company we want to see downsized is Clinique. Ahhh bring it on, Osama
bin Laden! Now we’re ready for anything.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30 Despite all those “unspecified threats” (none
of which have happened yet), you know things are getting back to normal (at
least in Los Angeles) when actor Gene Hackman gets kicked in the
nuts. The nut-kicking in question transpired when Hackman (star of The French
Connection, Unfor-given, and Heist, his new film opening Friday)
accidentally rear-ended a Volvo in front of the Virgin Megastore on Sunset.
After both vehicles pulled to the curb, the Volvo driver leapt out and began
screaming at the two-time Oscar winner. According to witnesses, Hackman patiently
listened to Volvo’s verbal barrage, until something was said–no one knows what–that
made Hackman smack the guy in the chops. About a half-dozen blows were
exchanged before Volvo decided to up the ante by giving Hackman a resounding
kick in the coconuts. Ouch. Volvo wrestled Hackman to the ground, who
was then rescued by a tow-truck driver, who considerately dispensed bandages
to both. Could this have been the “unspecified threat” John Ashcroft
was speaking of? It makes total sense! If the enemy is going to strike, why
not go after one of our country’s national treasures; the 71-year-old testicles
of Gene Hackman! THOSE TERRORISTS ARE MONSTERS, WE’RE TELLING YOU!!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 But let’s move on to specific threats,
shall we? Rocker Courtney Love, who did not kill her ex-husband
Kurt Cobain (because she really gets mad when you say she did), has been
hitting the road with her new band, Bastard, and making a few enemies
along the way. E! Online reported today, that while opening for Jane’s
Addiction at the Hollywood Bowl, the outspoken diva hit the roof when she
was told to cut her set short because of neighborhood noise ordinances. Naturally,
she blamed Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell for this slight and
proceeded to lambaste him onstage. “Perry just told us we have only two songs
left before we have to get off,” Love screeched, before adding, “FUCK YOU, Perry
Farrell, we’re going to play four!” After finishing the next song, the
sound was cut, the house lights came on, and a roadie physically carried the
kicking Love offstage, to the cheers of a previously disinterested audience.
At their next gig in Ventura, Love made yet another specific (and weird) threat
to Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. “I’m going to fucking kick
him out of your ass!” she said to a confused and unenthusiastic crowd. “I’m
so fucking sick of him playing golf with all the fucking [record] executives.
We’re going to show him what ’60s punk rock is.” Apparently, not looking forward
to having Fred Durst “kicked out of their ass,” most of the crowd
left before Love could complete her exhibition of “’60s punk rock.” Yippee!
Another “unspecified threat” successfully thwarted!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Not to be outdone by Attorney General John Ashcroft,
California governor Gray Davis announced today that he had “credible
evidence” of an unspecific threat that might actually be specific! According
to information he gained from various law enforcement agencies, Davis said the
terrorists would most likely strike the Golden Gate Bridge or, if not
that, probably the Bay Bridge. But just in case all bridges look alike
to terrorists, they would most definitely probably try to attack the Vincent
Thomas Bridge. But if that didn’t pan out for one reason or another, we
should all absolutely, without a doubt, maybe expect a direct attack on Coronado
Bridge–unless of course, it’s a different bridge entirely or perhaps, not
a bridge at all. Ohhhh-kay! Good to know. After canceling Jane magazine,
hiring kids to open our mail, not going to work, and using more Clinique products,
we’ll definitely not drive over any bridges or things that are not bridges,
but may or may not look like bridges.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Today the Justice Department confirmed Governor
Gray Davis’ heart-clutching yammering about unspecified groups that were
going to carry out unspecified attacks against unspecified West Coast
bridges. HOWEVER, the Justice Department said that attributing these threats
to “credible evidence” was a bit of a stretch. The warning, sent Wednesday to
law enforcement agencies in California, Washington, Oregon, Arizona, Nevada,
Utah, Montana, and Idaho was based on “low level” evidence and CERTAINLY
not of the caliber and importance of Attorney General Ashcroft’s very
serious and credible warning of earlier in the week. The Justice Department
then implied that Davis was overly skittish and probably a fairy. Davis,
who clearly believes that the terrorists have just been practicing for their
true mission to blow up California, remains impervious, if just a little blithering.
Have the terrorists even heard of California? Is anyone guarding the charming
wooden footbridges of Utah? Are Gene Hackman’s testicles really all right?
We have a lot of concerns.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3 Holy militia! The sheriff of Clatsop County in
rural Oregon is going to get us all shot in the head. The New York
Times reported today, that in response to this week’s unspecified threats,
Sheriff John Raichl has proposed calling up 125 armed volunteers to help police his county. He wants this citizen army to be deployed in pairs
to protect remote critical sites such as high-power transmission lines, natural
gas pipeline control stations, electrical substations, and meth labs.
Sheriff Raichl is particularly worried about a 4.1-mile suspension bridge spanning
the Columbia River. (You know Clatsop County is right up there on the terrorists’
to-do list. Right under “Obliterate California,” and “Squash Gene Hackman’s
testicles.”) Volunteers would only be allowed to carry rifles or shotguns–automatic
and semiautomatic weapons will have to be left in the baby’s room at home. So
far about 20 men have responded to the call. They are described as “semi-retired
or retired, often with service in the military.” Many of them own pitchforks.
While most have seen A Few Good Men, all but two report “not getting
it.” We are going to send Sheriff Raichl our old subscription to Jane,
in the hopes that it knocks some sense into him.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Despite the fact that terrorists are almost certainly
going to annihilate California at some unspecified time in the next ten minutes,
the twice-postponed Emmys went on tonight. Sure, Ellen was a hoot
and looked lesbian-chic in her lady tuxedo, but there were some noticeable omissions.
Security and gravity prevented the pre-show red carpet perp walk, a shame since
Joan Rivers would have had a ball with many of the attendee’s definition
of “business formal.” Most of the gals looked as if they just took a pair of
pinking shears to their evening gowns just above the knee. In an effort
to play down the show, the shows producers nixed the massive glass podium of
years past, for a more somber simple oak table ($59, at Ikea). There were also
some awkward odes to America, including a satellite feed of Walter Cronkite,
who has apparently fled to Canada. Were there improvements? Sure. Happily, all
but a few presenters forsook annoying Teleprompter chatter and went straight
to the envelope, and since half the winners weren’t there to accept, the show
went on at a clipped pace. The climax of the evening? Babs Streisand‘s
surprise finale! (She clearly did not get the memo about business formal or
has a very romantic idea of the lives of women office workers.) Conspicuously
absent? Gene Hackman.