MONDAY, DECEMBER 24
If there’s one thing sure to warm the cockles of our hearts this Christmas season, it’s seeing anyone involved with PBS going to jail. According to a report from Reuters, Russell Pritchard, an antiques dealer and appraiser for the PBS series, Antiques Roadshow, has pleaded guilty to swindling at least 20 families out of their precious heirlooms. It seems that Pritchard has been buying antiques from people for far less than their actual value and reselling them for a huge profit. One of his ghastliest crimes was committed against the heirs of General George Pickett (Who we’re sure you remember as leading the fatal charge against northern forces in the Battle of Gettysburg. You don’t remember? Oh. Nevermind. Anyway.). Pickett’s great-great-great grandson sold a trunkful of Grampy Pickett’s keepsakes to Pritchard for $87,000, who then turned around and resold the artifacts to the National Civil War Museum for the slight markup of $870,000. Pritchard also admitted to stealing a rare military uniform from the same museum, which he then sold to a private collector. And if that’s not bad enough (hang on to your socks, PBS fans), Pritchard and an accomplice fessed up to faking TWO appraisals on Antiques Roadshow in 1996 in order to boost the show’s ratings. So not only does Pritchard have to pay everyone back, he faces 135 years in prison, as well as $5.25 million fine. And what about the damage done to our faith in mankind? Try appraising that, you big, dumb GOOBER!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25
Today, we would like it to be noted that all we received for Christmas was a bunch of crap. Not only did our hubby Kip have the gall to purchase us last year’s Donna Karan off the rack, but it was a size ten, when we are CLEARLY a size eight! And even though we CLEARLY asked for a pair of BCBG shoes from our mother, she took it upon herself to stick a pair of Sas under the tree! We’re sorry, but do we look 65 years old to you?? All we know is that little Baby Jesus would never have been treated this way. In other shoe-related news FBI officials announced today that Richard Reid, the man caught last Saturday with a suspected functioning bomb in his high-top sneakers, actually had a functioning bomb in his high-top sneakers! A spokesman at Logan Airport said the substance inside Reid’s shoes were akin to C-4, an easily molded military explosive, and “could have exploded as configured.” Reid, who is not thought to have any significant terrorist ties, is considered by many to be a major dumbshit for his handling of the botched attack. Not only did he raise the red flag by purchasing a one-way ticket (which he paid for in cash) he also didn’t check any luggage and had a fuse sticking out of his shoe. (Which we assume wasn’t Nike’s new “Air Hull Rupture,” the bomb shoe for the stylish terrorist, discussed in detail on the upper right hand corner of this page.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26
And while the subject of bombs and fashionable shoes are always worthy topics of conversation, let’s move on to something even more important Hollywood Gossip! According to the New York Post, marginally talented lip-syncher Britney Spears will have eyebrows raising in her movie debut, called Crossroads. The story involves three gal-pals travelling cross-country after their high school graduation–sounds innocent enough, right? WRONG! The normally virginal Spears hops around in her underpants, gets loaded from a hotel mini-bar, and pops the cherry with a 28-year-old ex-con! Whatever will boy-toy Justin Timberlake think? Well, actually, we don’t care what he’ll think because we just received some truly disturbing news: Remember how we broke the story about our beloved Benicio Del Toro returning to town (should be around January 7) to resume the filming of The Hunted? Well before you finalize your divorces, a little birdie from the Hollywood grapevine tells us that Del Toro has been seen openly canoodling with that Boogie Nights slut Heather Graham! We KNOW!! However, dab those tears and put on some concealer, because if that bottle-blonde harpy thinks she can bag our delicious Del Toro, she’s got another think coming! Now let’s go out there and get him, girls!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27
Today Osama bin Laden appeared in yet another videotaped message to remind everyone that the United States stinks, and everyone should set out to destroy the economy of the American devils who have offended Allah by bringing capitalism to the Middle East, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. O-kay! We get it already! The tape was broadcast on Qatar-based Al-Jazeera television (which also owns syndication rights to Married with Children), and showed a gaunt bin Laden blabbing about destroying America’s economic future. “This economic hemorrhaging continues until today, but requires more blows,” he said. “And the youth should try to find the joints of the American economy and hit the enemy in these joints, with God’s permission.” Oh really? Well if bin Laden means what we think he means by “joints,” he can forget it! Our dealer hasn’t been able to come up with a decent sack in two months! So there ain’t no “joints” to “hemorrhage,” if you catch our drift.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28
President Bush held a press conference today to announce that Osama bin Laden would not escape. “He is not escaping us,” Bush said at his Texas ranch. “I mean, this is a guy who, three months ago, was in control of a country. Now he’s maybe in control of a cave. We’re going to get him running and keep him running, and bring him to justice He’s on the run, if he’s running at all.” Bush’s news conference was held on a clear, windy, winter day just outside his old home on the ranch. He was wearing Levi 501 button fly jeans, an L.L. Bean sheepskin jacket, and J. Peterman “Romantic Buff Roy Rogers Cowboy Boots.” His curls, mussed slightly from the wind, were conditioned with Bumble and Bumble deep treatment for chemically dependent or seriously parched hair. He posed for photos and then, according to the Austin Daily Auto Trader, met Ralph Lauren for a quick round of Afghanistan goat carcass polo.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29
We were SHOCKED to learn from the Associated Press today that, according to a new government report, customers calling the IRS for help with their tax returns wait an average of FOUR mind-numbing MINUTES to speak to a representative and THEN often get totally DICKED AROUND with inaccurate information. According to the report, customers asking questions about tax law were given incorrect information about 25 percent of the time. Customers asking questions about their account were given incorrect information about 12 percent of the time. (Don’t you just love how they call them “customers”?) Of the more than 70 million people who called for tax help this year, 21 percent were forced to listen to the latest Mariah Carey while on hold, and 76 percent were forced to listen to Faith Hill. IRS Commissioner Charles Rossotti said he agreed that “we need better testing, documentation and analytical activities” to understand and enhance the agency’s performance. In the meantime if you have any tax questions you can call our resident tax expert and roving reporter Phil Busse at the Portland Mercury.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30
This just in from The Oregonian: eBay–the modern arbiter of all that is right and moral–has disallowed a Salem, Oregon carpenter’s apprentice from auctioning off his mummified body to raise money for his unborn child, Penny Lane. eBay said that it violated very public rules prohibiting the sale of human bodies or body parts on the site, which well, it does. The carpenter’s apprentice was offering his mummified corpse for $250,000 (mummification cost included), with the understanding that the deal would be void if he died of unnatural causes. A blacksmith’s apprentice and a candlestick maker were considering bidding before eBay pulled the item. The carpenter’s apprentice said he got the idea from watching a TV show on mummification and chatting with friends about Internet auctions. “I think it’s amazing,” said his 19-year-old wife. They are still looking for “some weird millionaire” to take the bait. Hello? Bob Pamplin?