MONDAY, JANUARY 7
Ever heard of that phrase, “art imitating life”? Well, One Day has no problem
with that. In fact, we would like it if “art imitated life” more often. The problem
comes around when “NEWS imitates life,” because when it does, one knows the poo
is about to hit the fan. Example: Ex-hubby Rene Elizondo is taking Janet
Jackson to court, saying he unfairly gave up writing credit on 37 of her songs,
thanks to a condition he likes to call “Self-Defeating Personality Disorder.”
Elizondo claims the disease makes him susceptible to “being manipulated,
exploited, and unduly influenced” and because of this, Janet tricked him into
an “iron-clad pre-nup” that ruined any chance of him scamming money from her $80
million deal with Virgin Records. But here comes the horrible part; after reading
this item, our hubby Kip now claims that he has “Self-Defeating
Personality Disorder,” too! In fact, he has been quoted as saying that One
Day is a “manipulative bossy-pants,” who has “little to no regard”
for his “manhood.” (This response came on the heels of asking him if it would
break his back to pick up a dish now and then.) However, we quickly informed him
that if he feels like he’s being exploited, then we could always find someone
else to rub our precious feet. Naturally, he was giving us a pedicure by
nightfall. Remember girls, teaching men manners isn’t just a privilege; it’s a
responsibility. Take it from One Day (or Ms. Romano, if you’re nasty).

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8
Guess what? You almost died again! According to NASA, an asteroid big
enough to crush a country the size of France came within 520,000 miles of Earth
today. Given the sexy name of Asteroid 2001 YB5, the rock was about 1,000 feet
across and traveling at 68,000 mph when it whizzed by. Steven Pravdo
of NASA says that if the asteroid had hit, it would have caused “one of the
worst disasters in human history.” When asked what we could have done
about it, Pravdo simply shrugged and replied, “not much.” However, while most
of us are simply glad to be alive, many of Hollywood’s finest are breathing
sighs of relief that they didn’ t get crushed by something even bigger: Mr.
Blackwell’s Annual Worst-Dressed List. As he has for the last 42 years,
the fashion guru laid down the law today on ten very unlucky celebs–and to
continue the humiliation, One Day is pleased to reprint Mr. Blackwell’s
top ten along with his now-famous bitchy comments. Enjoy.

• Weakest Link’ s Anne Robinson: “Looks like Harry Potter in
drag.”
• Britney Spears: “Britney’s belly-baring bombs are a wacky-tacky
display.”
• Juliette Binoche: “a haute couture catastrophe.”
• Destiny’s Child: “three peas in a peek-a-boo pod.”
• Björk: “A pretentious fashion folly in a nightmare
by Salvador Dali!”
• Princess Stephanie: “Her wardrobe has the allure of nuclear
waste.”
• Kate Hudson: “Looks like a cyclone victim from the OK Corral.
It’s fatal fashion weather!”
• Camille Parker Bowles: “Packs the stylistic punch of a dilapidated
Yorkshire pudding!”
• Cameron Diaz: “Chaos in high heels, period!”
• Gillian
Anderson: “A grunge plunge resembling an escape from a Bohemian barbecue.”

Ohhh-kay. Thanks, Mr. Blackwell! (I hate to say it but that is one insane old gay person.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9
According to Tampa, Florida police, the bin Laden-lovin’ boy who crashed an
airplane into the side of the Bank of America building was prescribed an acne
medication that has been linked with causing suicides. The Food and
Drug Administration claims that the acne medication known as Accutane affects the body’s central nervous system, and 147 people taking the drug from
1982 to 2000 either committed suicide or were hospitalized for attempts on their
own lives. While it is still unclear whether 15-year-old Charles Bishop was taking the medication at the time of his death, his parents are frantically
searching for a reason to explain the boy’s behavior. In a statement issued
earlier this week, they said, “Charles and his family have always fully supported
our United States’ war on terrorism and Osama bin Laden.” Or in other
words, “We will happily subscribe to whatever cockamamie story we can think
of to explain our son’s behavior (including ones about suicidal acne medication),
as long as it successfully prevents us from being lynched. Please, stop circling
around our house.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
Today at Afghanistan’s Kandahar airport, Marines loaded the first group of al-Qaeda
prisoners onto a flight bound for an U.S. base in Cuba. On board, the passengers
were chained to their seats, forced to use portable toilets, and sedated
(which sounds suspiciously like our recent flight on United. Hmmm ). The prisoners
will be taken to the American base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they will
be questioned far away from the persnickety eyes of the American media. Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld put up his own defense for this behavior, saying
“there are, among these prisoners, people who are perfectly willing to kill
themselves and other people” and that the chains and hoods were “appropriate
restraint.” Acting commander of Guantanamo Bay, Jack Nicholson, added,
“I run my base how I run my base. You want to investigate me, roll the dice
and take your chances. I eat breakfast 80 yards away from 4000 Cubans who are
trained to kill me. So don’t for one second think you’ re gonna come down here,
flash a badge, and make me nervous.” We’re sorry but god. We just love A
Few Good Men. Doesn’ t Demi look perfect in white?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11
Salon.com reported today, that winsome starlet Winona Ryder, who
has been accused of shoplifting at Saks, was seduced into the criminal
lifestyle by drugs. Specifically, the evil weed: tobacco. “Winona had
already purchased some things in the store,” a Ryder friend apparently told
the muckraking scoops at E! TV. “And she also had some things she was considering
buying when she went out of the store for a smoke. She was going to pay
for the items.” Winona made an appearance in court Thursday to respond to the
charges (security cameras supposedly caught her ripping the electronic anti-theft
tags off $5,000 worth of merchandise and shoving it into her bag–or maybe she
was just rummaging for a cig?). Whether she’ll play the Big Tobacco card and
file a class action lawsuit against Marlboro is still unclear,
but anyone who’s ever experienced a nic fit has been asked to contact her lawyers.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12
According to the Associated Press, Ken Lay, the chairman of the now-bankrupt
cartel of evil super-villains Enron, lied to his employees in a pair
of emails sent to them in August. The emails touted the company’s stock and
declared that the energy trader’s growth “has never been more certain. Our performance
has never been stronger; our business model has never been more robust. We have
the finest organization in American business today.” LIE. LIE. LIE. Ken
Lay, you are a bald-faced, lying, selfish fuck. Enron collapsed leaving thousands
of employees penniless with worthless retirement plans. Selling for $37
a share in August, Enron stock now sells for 68 cents. Lay sold $40 million
of his Enron stock between January and August of last year, when he sent those
emails. He is now holed-up in a cave counting his gold pieces with his minions.
Oh, wait–that’s that other evil mastermind.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13
The Oregonian reported today that Prince Harry, the youngest son
of Britain’s Prince Charles, is a pothead. Okay, maybe not a pothead.
But he’s smoked pot. And he’ s totally down with it. The sixteen-year-old reportedly
confessed his indiscretions to his father last summer, after being busted
by the royal staff. Prince Charles then took Harry on a tour of a rehabilitation
clinic to show him the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. The Palace says
that Harry, who has taken lately to wearing Rasta caps, listening to Yes,
and making late-night Taco Bell runs, is completely cured.