MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4
Hats off to One Day Hot Tipper Shawna who pointed us in the direction
of what is perhaps the most shocking and hilarious NPR interview ever.
Terry Gross, one of the monotonous interviewers on “Fresh Air,” had her
hands full today when special guest Gene Simmons of KISS paid a visit
and, in typical Simmons form, began bragging about his sexual prowess.
“If you’re going to welcome me with open arms, you also have to welcome me with
open legs,” Simmons said to the normally reserved Gross. “That’s a really
obnoxious thing to say,” Gross snipped. Then, when asked about his “studded
codpiece,” Simmons snorted, “It holds my manhood, otherwise it would be
too much for you to take. You’d have to put the book down and confront life.”
This was apparently too much for the school-marmish Gross, who asked, “Has it
come to this? Is this the only way you can talk to a woman, with that schtick?”
To which Simmons responded, “Why is it schtick when all women have ever wanted
since we crawled out of caves is, ‘Why can’t a man just tell me the truth and
speak to me plainly?’ So if I do that, you can’t have it both ways.” He continued,
“I was going to suggest you get outside of the musty place where you
can count the dust particles falling, get out into the world and see what everybody
else is doing.” That’s when Gross pulled out the big guns: “I’d like to think
the personality you presented on our show today is a persona that you’ve affected
as a member of KISS, but that you’re not nearly as obnoxious when you’re
at home or with friends.” “Fair enough,” said Simmons, “and I’d like to think
that the boring lady who’s talking to me now is a lot sexier and more
interesting than the one’s who’s doing NPR, studious and reserved.” OUCH!! Somebody
sign these kids up for a lecture circuit!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
Today provided more hot water for John Walker Lindh to sit in, when a
federal judge denied bail for the 20-year-old U.S. citizen and member
of the Taliban. While Lindh’s defense lawyer argued that “he is not a
dangerous person” and has “never had anything to do with terrorist activities,”
the prosecution swayed the judge with emails and letters written by Lindh
to his family. In some of these emails, written while in Afghanistan, Lindh
asked, “What has America ever done for anybody?” and postulated that the U.S.
incited the Gulf War. And, as if the flames needed to be fanned any higher,
Defense Secretary John Ashcroft decided to put in his two cents by stating
in a press conference that Lindh had chosen to fight with the Taliban, and “Americans
who love their country do not dedicate themselves to killing Americans.”
And in case you need that translated, “Anyone who dares question my authority
and fuck with my 48 billion-dollar increase in military spending will find himself
up shit creek (and without the proverbial paddle).”

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6
Another head-scratching question America is asking today, “Why would anyone
want to stalk Meg Ryan?” According to a report from E! Online,
a restraining order was filed today by the Sleepless in Seattle star against John Hughes (not the pudgy director of Breakfast Club),
after he mistakenly broke into the wrong home, thinking it was Ryan’s, and claimed
to be her husband. Hughes was discovered eating a cooked meal of ham
and beans and sipping from a can of Old Milwaukee when the unsuspecting
owners came home. Upon arrival, police discovered a copy of Us Weekly with
Ryan on the cover, and $2,700 in cash stuck in his underpants.
Hughes claimed that his “wife” (Ryan) was upset with him, and that she “forgot
to leave the key under the mat,” which meant he had to break in through the
bathroom window. Since Hughes had also been caught once before skulking around
the home of a celebrity (George W. Bush‘s ranch, while carrying a 9mm
pistol and two shotguns), it seems he will be sent straight to “El Casa del
Ha-Ha,“ where he will never bother Ryan again. Sigh. Another picture-perfect
Hollywood marriage in ruins–but who gets custody of the underpants?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7
It was a banner day for airline security when a co-pilot on a United Airlines
flight from Miami to Argentina smashed a drunken passenger on the head
with an ax. The Uruguayan passenger, Pablo Moreira, admitted to have
been drinking too much whiskey when he managed to break down the lower part
of the cockpit door by “kicking in a kung fu style.” Another passenger,
Jan Boyer, noted that when Moreira had inserted the upper-half of his torso
into the cockpit, the co-pilot “used an ax to basically hit him bluntly
on the head.” Boyer then remembered to add, “This led to a lot of blood all over the place.” After landing safely in Buenos Aires, Moreira was arrested,
and a spokesman for the Argentinean Air Force said Moreira “felt sorry for what he did.” Yeah! You better be sorry, pal! Or maybe you’d like another
conversation with “Mr. AX!”

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8
The political and social fallout from the arrest of Winona Ryder continues
to ripple through all levels of society, resulting in government chaos not seen since the Watergate break-in. Today, The New York Times reported
that a federal appeals court in San Francisco has nullified part of California’s
“three strikes law,” finding it cruel and unusual punishment to sentence
people to life in prison for shoplifting. Sure, Winona is on her first offense,
but you can’t tell us that the appeals court didn’t have her in mind when they
issued the judgment. Who’s to say she won’t go Downey and have to be
dragged out of Saks with her pockets full of merchandise every weekend? We certainly
couldn’t risk having to send her to San Quentin for 50 years to life.
Who would play the breathless, big-eyed, waif ingénues?

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9
Dick Cheney is okay! Today the Oregonian reported that, according
to Cheney’s doctors, the “protective device” implanted in his chest in June
has not been triggered by any abnormal heart rhythms. “After his routine
checkup, the vice president was told by his doctor that all the news was very
good,” said Mary Matalin, James Carville gal-toy and vice presidential
aide. She then got very tight-lipped and refused to answer any questions about
Cheney’s other medical tests or her and Carville’s favorite sexual positions.
But who cares, because Cheney is okay!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Today, it was announced that Princess Margaret, sister of Queen Elizabeth,
has died at age 71. We have often been compared to Princess Margaret:
Troubled, winsome, strong-willed, big-boned, big-mouthed, bitter, stoic. If
only we had a dollar for every time someone has said, “Ann, if only you’d married
that handsome Group Captain Peter Townsend–then you’d have been happy.”
Like us, Margaret was denied the man of her dreams by the nefarious urges of
a power-hungry hussy. Oh, Margaret, you were brave after that bitch Elizabeth
denied you your bliss, just because she happened to be eldest. You sucked it
up, put on a brooch and scarf, and watched as the evil old bitty went on to
allow her children to marry and divorce at whim. Did she hate you because you
were younger or because you were more beautiful? Maybe the malevolent slut was just after your royal allowance. (She knew that Prince Phillip always
longed for you.) Either way, you’ll always be our Queen. R.I.P.