MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Oh, sure! President Bush is all up in arms about the so-called “axis
of evil” but what about the “triple-axel of evil”? Figure skating fans
around the world stomped their foot in a collective huff today, when obviously
corrupt judges awarded Russians the gold medal, instead of the far superior
Canadians in the couples-skating competition. According to everyone in
attendance, including red-faced former gold-winner Scott Hamilton, the
Canadians skated a perfect program while the Russians committed the cardinal sin
of “stepping out of a double axel.” Regardless, when the scores appeared the judges
had awarded the Rooskies with seven 5.9s for artistry, and the Canucks, only four.
Almost immediately accusations of flim-flammery and “vote-trading” were
leveled at the judges, and an “Ice Skating Tribunal” was scheduled for
next week (though probably not at Guantanamo Bay). Oh, yeah? Well, what are the
Canadian skaters supposed to do ’til then? What about the way they feel now? “It
feels like someone punched me in the stomach,” said losing skater David Pelletier,
obviously forgetting about the many times he was beat up in high school for being
a figure skater. His coach Frank Carroll seconded that emotion, adding, “This
is the worst thing that’s happened in a long time in figure skating”–which
of course is a grave exaggeration. What could have been worse than the time in
1997, when Todd Eldredge ripped the ass out of his black rhinestoned tunic
during his interpretation of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Oh, and did we mention that figure skating is no more of a “sport” than ballet?
Right. Well, just wanted to mention it. Anyway, RUN FOR THE HILLS! According
to the FBI, a planned terror attack could occur in the US or abroad as
early as check your Far Side calendar gulp! TODAY?!? This makes the fourth
nationwide warning issued by the federal government since the 9/11 attack, and
well, they can’t be wrong every single time, can they? CAN THEY?? And while
US officials said they didn’t know what method the terrorists might use,
or where it was going to happen, according to one high ranking source, “We know
that a guy said that he talked to a guy who talked to a guy who said that this guy might do something bad on today.” Now, we know
we occasionally play fast and loose with the truth here at One Day, but
we want you to know that the previous statement was an actual quote from
an actual government official. But wait! The fun continues! “We also heard similar
things from some other means, which I cannot discuss, saying that somebody with
a similar name was planning something bad around now,” the official said. “The
two of those things put together, and the fact that the guy is a known associate
of bad people makes one cautious.” Well, that’s all we needed to hear! Goodbye
cruel world! If you survive, please tell One Day‘s hubby Kip that
we love him. And while you’re at it, ask him if it would break his back to wash
an occasional dish.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Huh? Oh, good. We didn’t die. And it’s a damn good thing, because then we would’ve
missed the greatest headline ever: TEXAS RESEARCHERS CLONE A CAT. And
it’s 20 feet tall! (Not really that’s just a joke. We mean, well, they did clone
a cat, but we were joking when we said it was 20 feet tall, because they do
everything big in Texas, and oh, nevermind.) Scientists at A&M’s veterinary
medicine school have successfully cloned a cat, however, researcher Duane
Kraemer says not to dig up your dead pet and take cell samples just
yet. “This is a reproduction,” he says, “not a resurrection.” Since genes
do not strictly determine things like color, Kitty Num-Num may end up looking
quite different from its original donor. They also won’t have an automatic bond
with the owner (and here’s the really crappy part), they won’t have any of the
cat’s memories or training. So we’re gonna get a cat clone that still pisses
in a basket of clean laundry for no particular reason?? WOW. That’s just GREAT.
Could you remind us again exactly what was the point of doing this?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Okay, so we weren’t exactly thrilled with hubby Kip’s choice of Valentine prezzies (a rather lurid card and a red push-up brassiere from Victoria’s Secret),
but at least it was better than being attacked by a gang of Hindu nationalists.
Today in India, roving members of the Shiv Sena party (who violently
oppose Western influence in their country) protested Valentine’s Day by blocking
tourists from purchasing cards, accosting couples caught holding hands,
and threatening shop owners. Calling it “an invasive Western tradition,” these
gangs passed out anti-Valentine’s handbills, and forced the closure of several
shops selling heart-shaped treats. In Rajkot, three dozen members of the Shiv
Sena stoned a shop and broke the front window, sending two shoppers to the hospital
with minor injuries. Regardless of their hatred of everything Western, we think
this fanatical group could learn a thing or two from our spinster cousin
Karen, who regularly celebrates V-day by burning pictures of ex-boyfriends
and repeatedly playing her 45 single of J. Geils’ “Love Stinks.” To us,
that just sounds healthier.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15
Taking a step beyond the Bush administration, Secretary of State Colin Powell boldly encouraged the use of condoms by the sexually active during an
interview with young MTV watchers from across the globe. He then went
on to encourage rimming, little earlobe kisses, and long walks on the beach.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16
Poor Miss America. First came the news that the Miss America Organization
had abused her. Then came the rebuttal. Now comes the scandalous fracas. Was
she expected to pay the alteration bill, or not? Only her tailor knows for sure.
Today, reports surfaced that the whole mess may be the result of turmoil over
Organization head Robert Renneisen Jr.‘s plan to approve a Miss America
slot machine. What’s next, a Miss America dildo? A Miss America malt liquor?
Has this man no shame? This is an American institution, a paean to all that
is right and good and wholesome in this God loving country of ours, and it’s
because Katie is from Oregon, isn’t it?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17
The New York Times reported today, that there’s trouble at the Tri-State
Crematory in Noble, Georgia. Apparently the furnace at the crematory has
not worked for years, and the crematory has just been tossing corpses out back. A dog walker (isn’t it always a dog walker?) stumbled over a skull
this week, and since then the coppers have found 120 rotting bodies in
sheds and on the ground near the crematory. They think that number could double.
Some of the bodies still had toe tags from the funeral home. An infant’s
body was found in a box in the back of a rusting hearse. Several dozen coffins
had been dug up and embalmed bodies were exposed and left in the elements for
years. If that’s not Night of the Living Dead enough for you, get this:
The family that owned and ran the crematory LIVED on the premises. SURROUNDED by decomposing bodies. And just when Six Feet Under was starting to make
the funeral business seem almost sexy