MONDAY, APRIL 1
Remember the good ol’ days when April Fool’s Day was all about good-natured
pranks and gentle ribbing? Well, no longer! Ever since 9/11, jokes have become
strictly verboten, and instead of using April 1 to feign crazy behavior, people
have decided to cut out the middleman and just go plain crazy. For example,
remember poor Dudley Moore who died last week? Well, apparently before croaking
he told friends that his ex-wife, Nicole Rothschild, was not to be allowed
at the funeral. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t take the news well, and has hired one
of America’s top lawyers to stop the funeral altogether. Claiming she only wants
her son Nicholas to have the opportunity to “kiss his father goodbye” (Ewww!),
Rothschild has threatened to disrupt the funeral if necessary. “I know
it sounds grotesque,” Rothschild said in what will surely be nominated as the
understatement of the year, “but it is also grotesque that a child is not able
to see his father.” Then, slamming her fist in her palm for dramatic effect, added,
“I will do everything I can to impound that body.” (You can add that last
statement to your list of “Sentences that Have Never Before Been Uttered in the
History of the World.”) Meanwhile! For those who have been drooling over
last week’s One Day, in which we reported that Drew Barrymore has
been seen openly canoodling with members of her own sex–get ready for a disappointment.
According to the New York Post, Drew has ceased sucking girl-face and has
been seen traipsing around with Alec Puro of the band Deadsy (and
no, we’ve never heard of them either). Lesbians of the world! Are you going to
put up with this? It is your duty to reclaim Drew for the sake of girl-canoodlers
everywhere! You must rally together and cry in unision, “I will do everything
I can to impound that body!”

TUESDAY, APRIL 2
In these times of economic recession, it’s nice to know that somewhere in
the world, people are actually getting pay raises. The Associated Press reported
today that Saddam Hussein has promised to raise the amount of money he
gives to relatives of suicide bombers from $10,000 to $25,000. And
it seems to be working! Since last month, suicide bombers have successfully
exploded themselves and others in Israel a record-breaking 12 times. And what
are the relatives going to do with all that money? The mother of Jamal Nasser, an architecture student who died ramming his explosives-filled car into a bus
of Jewish settlers, will be using her check to buy a new apartment. However,
according to many Palestinians, the extra money is just gravy on the mashed
potatoes. Their real motivation is glory, religious zeal, and our personal favorite, “a priceless thirst for revenge.” Devout Muslims–who make up the majority
of the bombers–believe they “will go to heaven as martyrs and spend eternity
in the company of 72 virgins.” Which, according to our hubby Kip, “sounds
to me like a real pain in the ass.”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3
For everyone who has ever had a mad crush on their dreamy first cousin,
but never acted upon it–you have reason to celebrate today. The New York
Times reports that scientists have given the “A-OK” for first cousins
to have children without any significant risk of birth defects or genetic
disease. Though common wisdom and years of hillbilly jokes have postulated
that the union of first cousins could only result in blind, bald banjo-pickers
(as featured in the movie Deliverance), according to Dr. Arno
Motulsky, a University of Washington professor of medicine and genome sciences,
it ain’t necessarily so. “In terms of general risks, it’s not very high,” the
doctor stated. “93 percent of the time, nothing is going to happen.” While this
may come as good news for those who are now free to explore “kissin’ cousin”
love, it’s back to the drawing board for those who used the excuse to explain
such countrified celebs as Jerry Falwell, Newt Gingrich and George W. Bush
 .

THURSDAY, APRIL 4
Wow! What a beautiful day! A balmy 73 degrees and not a cloud in
the sky. In fact, one could even say it’s a perfect day to call in a bomb
threat and skip out of teaching science class. Which is, weirdly
enough, exactly what happened today! According to The Oregonian, 39-year-old Kimberly Haggard was supposed to teach a 3 p.m. chemistry class at a Beaverton
elementary school, but “didn’t feel like it” and called in a bomb threat
in order to shut the school down. And she would’ve gotten away with it too,
except for the sad truth that she’s really, really dumb. Disguising her voice,
Haggard called the school’s front office at 12:35 p.m. stating there was a bomb
in the building. Mere minutes after the first call, she called back to inquire
if the 3 p.m. chemistry class had been cancelled. Then after possibly assuming
she wasn’t being specific enough, she called once again to say the bomb would
be going off at 3 p.m.–the same time as her class. When Haggard finally showed
up at school, the Beaverton police were waiting, and she quickly confessed to the crime. The teacher has been charged with four misdemeanors including
“menacing, disorderly conduct, telephone harassment and initiating a false police
report.” BUT C’MON!! It was a BEAUTIFUL DAY outside!!

FRIDAY, APRIL 5
Finally, something useful! The Associated Press reported today that a company
plans to begin selling a computer ID chip that can be embedded beneath
people’s skin. Applied Digital Solutions Inc. designed the VeriChip–about
the size of a grain of basmati rice–to hold information that could be read
with special electronic scanners. The company has touted the chip as a potential
way to hold a person’s medical records or security codes. They think
it could also be used for tracking children, prisoners, or workers with top-security
clearances. That’s all well and good, but think about the REALLY useful ways
the chip could come in handy. They could scan you at the M.A.C. counter and
automatically know your skin type and all your color preferences. If
you had amnesia, and washed up on a French fishing island, the French fishermen
could scan you and tell who you were. Vegetarians could be scanned coming
into the door of fancy restaurants so they could be given special vegetarian
menus. Gap shoppers could be scanned to get their clothing sizes (not
their ACTUAL clothing sizes, but their MAMMOTH Gap sizes, which apparently have
no correlation). In any case, we are just THRILLED with the implanted basmati
rice idea and want you to know that it has our FULL support.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6
Today the Oregonian reported a rumor that Tom Cruise has dumped Penelope Cruz because she was whiny about the fact he wouldn’t take her
to the Oscars–claiming he didn’t want to overshadow Nicole’s “big night.“
Penelope was also reportedly miffed at the amount of time Tom has been spending
with Nicole and his children. Could Tom be trading in his new beard for the
old one? Does anyone else think he needs to get his teeth whitened and
STAT? We know he’s trying to convince everyone he’s NOT GAY, but that
doesn’t mean he should let himself go.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7
The Associated Press reported today that a Kansas woman, strung out on fertility
drugs, has given birth to a litter of sextuplets. Doctors say the three
boys and three girls appear healthy, if just a little depressed. A 24-person
medical team delivered the babies by Cesarean section. The babies weigh between
two and three pounds each, which is about as much as our Raquel Welch hair
extension. They reportedly “squealed” when they were born. The parents have
another child, four-year-old Aubrianna, whose life is now officially
ruined. If you want to adopt Aubrianna, please drop us a note at ann@portlandmercury.com.
We’ll make sure she gets it.