MONDAY, JULY 29
People are mad this week. We don’t know if it’s the heat that’s making
us entertain thoughts of bashing in someone’s head with a meat cleaver, or our
sinuses being clogged to the point where only two molecules of oxygen can sneak
through every three hours. Our point is, people are mad. However, rather than
regale you with tales of drippy, oozing murder (which is nothing but depressing),
here are the bitchiest celebrity quotes of the week! The first one comes
from long-haired has-been Sammy Hagar who’s been on tour with stuffed-pants
loser David Lee Roth–both of whom were unceremoniously kicked out of the
supergroup Van Halen. But what happens when you put two difficult performers
together on one tour? Suprisingly enough, they don’t get along.
And so, Monsieur Hagar is bidding adieu to performing with Roth. His reasoning?
“The guy is an asshole,” Hagar told the New York Post. “He will
never go on tour with me again.” Hagar accused Diamond Dave of being a flake,
an egotist, and a bad singer. “His voice is not too good,” Hagar noted.
“You sit there and go, ‘I just saw a guy who was half the singer and half the
performer he used to be, who spray-paints his hair on before going on stage.”
Meeeeee-OW!

MeanwhileAccording to a story in Newsweek about director M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense, Signs), the no-holds barred Rosie O’Donnell stuck up for the director against studio exec Harvey Weinstein while they were filming the box-office bomb, Wide Awake. When Weinstein insisted on re-editing the film, Rosie told him to back off. “[Shyamalan] is the artist,” she said. “You’re just the guy who frames it and sells it.” Weinstein pondered this for a moment and responded, “Yeah? And you’re just a fucking talk show host! Like you would fucking know! You bitch! You cunt!” Ouuuuuch. Can somebody please put an ice pack on this guy’s neck?

TUESDAY, JULY 30
This just in from the department of “News that Isn’t Going to Happen”: Remember
last week when those guys were talking about that really big asteroid that was 1.2 miles wide and was on a possible collision course with Earth in
2019, and could probably wipe out an entire continent? Well, it isn’t
going to happen. We know we know you had already quit your job, you had already
broken up with your boyfriend so you could get a shot at boning that cute
barista at Tully’s–but according to astronomers, of all the potential impact
dates, February 1, 2060 is the only one which hasn’t been ruled out as
a possible date for everyone on Earth to be disintegrated. And they’re pretty
sure that date is not going to pan out, either. What can we say? We’re
sorry, alright? We mean, we had already cancelled our subscription to
Mademoiselle, just like you! We wanted to go out in a blaze of glory,
just like yourself! We wanted to buy Steve Madden‘s entire fall line,
tongue wrestle Josh Hartnett, and eat three tubs of Kozy Shack banana
pudding in one sitting! (By the way, we’d like to welcome Kozy Shack as
One Day‘s newest corporate sponsor. www.kozyshack.com)
But it’s not going to happen, OKAY? We now return you to leading your quiet
life of desperation.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31
In their continuing effort to convince the world they aren’t jackasses, the
White House announced today they are developing an Office of Global
Communi-cations to stop other countries from shit-talking us. According
to a report from Reuters, the Bush administration has discovered that “America’s
image problem is not isolated to the Middle East,” and are creating this
office to explain to the world “what America is all about and why America does
what it does.” Though the administration has been accused of spreading disinformation in the past, this new office will be putting on a “feel-good” face, which includes
operating a radio station for the Arab world which plays “pop and rock hits“
with information “designed to improve America’s image.” Something tells us they’ve
got their work cut out for them. In fact, a task force run by the Council on
Foreign Relations informed the White House that “around the world, from Western
Europe to the Far East, many see the United States as arrogant, hypocritical,
self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and contemptuous of others.”
In other words, now we’re France. But, hey! At least we smell better!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1
Bad news for you dope-huffing hippies. While
you’ve been banging your drums and begging for change on Hawthorne, your marijuana
connection has been going up in flames. According to The Oregonian,
as two wildfires burn the Siskiyou National Forest to cinders, they’ve
also been inadvertently destroying Oregon’s bumper crop of pot. “We’re
positive there are plants in that area, and they’re being consumed,” says Linda
Templin, an analyst for the Josephine Interagency Narcotics Team (JOINT).
“How many we don’t know.” Many local growers think the fires could have a
devastating effect on the way hippies get their “grass” in the near future.
Prices will most certainly go up, leading to more indiscriminate begging on our public streets, but there is also the possibility of these long-hairs
snipping off their nasty dreadlocks and settling down to a normal job where
they could even possibly become productive members of society. Ha-Ha-HAAAAA!
Almost got you, didn’t we?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2
The New York Times reported today that President Bush is just fit
to be tied about the deaths of five Americans in a bombing in Jerusalem on Wednesday, telling reporters that he was “furious.” “I’m just as ANGRY as Israel is right now,” Mr. Bush said, fuming in the Oval Office. “I’m furious that innocent life is lost. However, through my fury, even though I am
MAD, I still believe peace is possible.” He also said that, while he
was on the topic, he was also mad about how much fat was in Pirate’s Booty cheesy snacks, and still angry about Rob Lowe leaving the West Wing.
A reporter then explained that Rob Lowe didn’t actually work for Mr. Bush, and
that The West Wing was just the name of a TV show. This seemed
to substantially lighten Mr. Bush’s mood and he began to laugh and tell jokes
about the King of Jordan.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3
The citizens of New Jersey sighed a collective breath of relief today when the
Associated Press reported that the mysterious blobs that appeared
recently on the city’s streets and sidewalks are merely paraffin wax drippings.
Oh! That’s ALL. Why didn’t we think of that? State and county officials were
unclear as to the origin of the wax drippings. A giant space candle? An Illuminations
store explosion? A horrible bikini waxing accident? Some good folk in
the neighborhood are not buying the wax explanation at all, instead expressing
concern about a dread terrorist blob attack. Perhaps if it is wax, it’s
anthrax-scented. In any case, officials are asking citizens to report ANY strange
blotches or discolorations on local sidewalk or streets. Report anything suspicious,
even if, to the untrained eye, it looks like an old piece of gum or an
oil stain. You are not a professional. And terrorists can be very devious.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4
The nine Pennsylvania coal miners who were trapped underground
for more than three days, and whose rescue enthralled the nation, have sold
the television and book rights to their tale to the Walt Disney Company.
The movie, which will air on ABC next year, will tell the story of how the nine
miners became trapped when water from an adjacent abandoned mine burst through
the wall of the new mine they were working on. Then it will chronicle their
dramatic rescue three days later, followed by their triumphant return home,
only to find Snow White asleep in their cottage.

Kozy Shack Puddings: It’s fun in a tub. ann@portlandmercury.com