MONDAY, OCTOBER 21
Everything exciting happened on Thursday this week, but rest assured,
that will not stop us from going through the motions with what at first glance
may be mistaken as an entertaining column. And while nothing can top what happened
on Thursday, Monday did present the One Day offices with some pretty icky
Hollywood gossip. According to the Internet Movie Database (or imdb.com),
Jennifer “J. LO” Lopez was spotted “raunching it up” with b-friend Ben
Affleck on a yacht loaned to them by Motley Crue singer Vince Neil.
While we would certainly never set foot on Neil’s boat without the benefit of
a HAZ-MAT suit, the strumpety Ms. LO was seen strutting around topless,
giving her man a “sexy lapdance,” and (brace yourself) sucking on Ben
Affleck’s toes! Brrrrrrr!! Gack! Gack! We can only hope this gag-inducing
display was a segment for Celebrity Fear Factor. Meanwhile As
reported previously in One Day, actor/lush Nick Nolte was recently
arrested in Malibu for driving erratically and swerving into oncoming lanes of
traffic. But according to the L.A. County District Attorney’s office, Nolte had
a little help at the time; GHB (aka “Liquid Ecstasy“) was found in his
system, which like Roofies (or Rophynol), is categorized as a date-rape drug.
This would certainly account for his drooly, disheveled appearance, but what about
that absolutely horrific Hawaiian shirt buttoned up to the neck? That’s not drug
abuse, that’s insanity!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 22
Today was okay, but it was certainly no Thursday! However,
you may want to read the following tidbit anyway, simply because it clearly
demonstrates how the NRA wants to kill you and get away with it. According
to an ABC poll released today, an overwhelming number of Americans (73%) would
support a “ballistic fingerprinting system” to assist the police in nabbing
perpetrators like the pesky Suburban Sniper. The measure would require
that guns be fired when they are sold which then would provide authorities with
a “ballistic fingerprint” for later identification. This information would quickly
lead the cops to anyone who happens to shoot you when you’re walking through
a Ponderosa parking lot. And even though six out of 10 gun owners are
in favor of the measure, guess who hates the idea? The NRA. According
to the National Rifle Association’s website, the idea is “flawed” because all
200 million firearms in the United States cannot be brought into labs and fired
(the measure only states that new guns be tested), and “for lawful gun
owners, this scheme is national gun registration.” The NRA is against
national gun registration because it would interfere with their constitutional
right of maintaining a “well-armed militia.” And a “well-armed militia” is needed
to protect those who voice anti-American sentiments like the NRA and John Allen
Muhammad, the accused Suburban Sniper, who you will read more about on Thursday,
the most exciting day of the week!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 23
And while Wednesday in the United States was nowhere near as exciting as Thursday,
it was super-duper exciting in Moscow (where it may already be Thursday for
all we know). Roughly 40 masked Chechen guerrillas stormed a Moscow theater
today, taking up to 600 hostages and threatening to blow up the building.
(Now, that’s exciting.) A terrified hostage speaking by cellphone warned
that the police should stay away–or risk disaster. “Lots of explosives,” she
said, “and we beg you not to shoot, not to storm the building. There are girls
next to me with lots of explosives on them. Men with machine guns.” A
few of the hostages were allowed to escape, and noted that the attackers had
beaten some members of the audience and referred to themselves as a “Chechen
suicide squad.” The former hostages also said the guerrillas had attached
explosives to the theater’s supporting pillars. According to a pro-rebel website
(www.kavkaz.org) Russia has seven days to begin withdrawing from Chechnya or
the theater and everyone inside will be blown up. Hmmm “Chechen suicide
squad.” Is that what the NRA is thinking of when they say “well-armed militia”?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24
Nothing interesting happened today. Just kidding! EVERYTHING interesting
happened today because it’s Thursday and two suspects involved in the
Suburban Sniper case were taken into custody. John Allen Muhammad, 42,
and his 17-year-old “travelling companion” John Lee Malvo were arrested
at a Maryland rest stop in possession of a rifle, a telescopic scope, and a
tripod. Their car was also outfitted with a retractable back seat and
a hole in the trunk to make shooting people as convenient as possible
(a modification the NRA undoubtedly supports). Hours before the capture, Chief
Charles A. Moose of the Montgomery County Police issued a statement to
the sniper saying, “You have indicated you want us to say and do certain things.
You want us to say ‘We have caught the sniper like a duck in the noose.’
We understand that hearing us say it is important to you.” While the confiscated
rifle matched the caliber used in the sniper shootings, neither a duck nor a noose was found in the car. Perhaps the duck escaped. If anyone
has any information regarding this duck (who may, or may not be wearing a noose)
please contact the proper authorities, as he is wanted for questioning.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25
A jury was chosen today to sit in judgment of Winona Ryder in her shoplifting
trial due to start on Monday. The jury of Ms. Ryder’s peers, six men and
six women, along with three alternates, were all slender, gamine, and doe-eyed.
Many had dated guitarists. Okay. You caught us. That’s not exactly true. But
one Winona peer did make the cut–former Sony studio boss Peter Guber.
According to E! News Daily, Guber, who now runs Mandalay Entertainment, raised
his hand when Judge Elden Fox asked if anyone was familiar with Ryder.
“I was the chairman of Sony Pictures when one of our companies made a film with
Ms. Ryder,” Guber said. Asked if his prior business relationship with Ryder
would influence his judgment, Guber responded, “No, I believe I would be fair
and impartial.” Earlier, Fox made the jurors take a two-page questionnaire
asking things like “Given what you know about Winona Ryder, do you have any
feelings of sympathy towards her?” and “Given what you know about Winona
Ryder, do you have any feelings of antipathy towards her?” And “Did you
pay good money to see Autumn in New York in the theater?” Fox
also told the jurors not to watch TV, shop at Saks, or read the Portland
Mercury. “It’s only for five to seven days,” he reasoned. Easy for him to
say.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26
Lock up your medicine cabinet drugs, Gov. Jeb Bush’s weird-haired daughter
Noelle is out of jail and looking for trouble. Noelle was released from
the big house early this morning, 10 days after a judge ordered her locked up
for violating terms of her court-ordered drug treatment program. (Something
about finding crack hidden in her shoe.) The president’s 25-year-old niece had
been ordered to attend drug treatment after she was arrested in January for
allegedly trying to use a fraudulent prescription to buy the anti-anxiety
drug Xanax at a pharmacy. (Honey, you should have called us–we’ve got
more Xanax in our purse than lint covered ibuprofen.) She has since been sent
to jail twice for violating terms of that agreement (see the crack/shoe scenario
above). Don’t worry Noelle, you’ve still got a good shot at being president.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 27
Do you remember banana seats, gas lines, and Adam Ant? Then you’re old
enough to remember Walter Mondale. Still don’t remember him? No worries.
It turns out there will be plenty of opportunities for you to become reacquainted
with him! Seems the former Carter VP is being wooed by leading Democrats as
a replacement candidate for the recently plane-dead Paul Wellstone in
a race that could determine control of the Senate in the new Congress. As federal
investigators searched the wreckage of the small plane that carried Wellstone
and seven others to their death (Note to investigators: look under the patio
behind Ward Weaver’s house), Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle and the head of the party’s campaign committee both talked with Mondale by phone.
The 74-year-old Mondale, who was last spotted losing spectacularly to Reagan in 1984, lives in the Minneapolis area. He is being mum so far about whether
he’ll run, however, several Democratic Party officials, speaking on condition
of anonymity, said he might be receptive. Where are you, Geraldine Ferraro?