THIS WEEK: The Trial of the Century

One Day at a Time does not condone shoplifting. However, we do condone
Winona Ryder. Therefore the moral quandary presented in Ryder’s trial,
where she has been accused of shoplifting $5,500 worth of swag from Saks,
clearly qualifies these proceedings as “the Trial of the Century.” In the opening
day of Winonagate, prosecutors questioned Saks security manager Kenneth Evans
on Ryder’s every movement in the store that day. Jurors viewed a store security
videotape that showed Ryder sipping Coke, chatting up sales clerks, and perhaps
most damning, slipping into a dressing room wearing an absolutely darling Eric
Javitz black wide-brimmed hat ($350), and leaving without the hat,
and a suspiciously over-stuffed bag. Evans also claimed that after Ryder was
escorted into the security office, she allegedly told them, “My director
directed me to shoplift for a role.” A laughable assertion, especially for
anyone who saw her in Mr. Deeds where she obviously prepared for her
role by sitting in her trailer, reading fashion magazines, and stuffing her
face with Cheetos. Meanwhile According to Us Weekly, Jennifer
Lopez and Ben Affleck have been caught “raunching it up” AGAIN–this
time while shooting a video for her single “Jenny from the Block.” The video
was being shot in LA’s Barefoot Bar & Grill, where a bridal shower was taking
place nearby. Apparently, one of the shower’s guests videotaped J.LO grabbing
her hunky beau, shoving her hand down his pants and giving his tube a healthy
squeeze. Affleck apologized to the bride’s mom for Ms. LO’s untoward behavior,
but did not comment on whether “Jenny from the Block” disinfected her hands
afterwards with industrial-strength cleanser.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Happy Birthday, Winona Ryder in COURT! The doe-eyed enfant terrible turned 31 today, and as a present, Saks security Nazi Kenneth Evans accused
the defendant of snipping sensor tags off of a Dolce & Gabbana handbag ($525), a Natori handbag ($540) and a black rhinestone hair bow ($110). As stated earlier, One Day does not condone shoplifting–but
c’mon. That’s a lot for one hair bow. And speaking of expensive merchandise,
are you interested in seeing what Winona is accused of stealing? Of course you
are! In addition to the above items, here’s the result of Winona’s ill-gotten
shopping spree: A white Gucci dress ($1,595), a Marc Jacobs thermal
top ($760), a Yves Saint Laurent blouse ($750), a rhinestone hair band
($140), a rhinestone ponytail holder ($120), a rhinestone hair clip ($110),
beige cashmere blend socks ($80), two black beaded purses ($55 each),
two pair of Saks cream socks, ($38 each), one pair of brown Donna Karan socks
($20), two pair of gray Calvin Klein socks ($16.50 each), and one pair
of purple Calvin Klein socks ($16.50). At this point in the proceedings, if
we were judging this thing? We’d find Winona Ryder GUILTY–of having
immaculate taste in designer wear!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Winonagate update: Day Three! Another Saks security guard, Colleen Rainey,
was brought to the stand today to testify against Winona Ryder. Alerted
by her manager, Rainey admitted peeking through the slats of a dressing room inhabited by Ryder, and allegedly witnessed her using scissors to snip security
sensors off merchandise. Rainey said Ryder attempted to cut the sensors off
a Marc Jacobs bag, as well as a small white purse from Calvin Klein,
but the sensors “proved too stubborn” and the items were left behind. Rainey
then described an almost fatal accident where Ryder cut her delicate
thumb with the scissors, dripping blood on the white Calvin Klein clutch
bag. A sales clerk testified that she brought Ryder a Band-Aid for her bleeding
digit, but is this clerk being brought up on charges of aiding and abetting
a felon? No, because this is clearly a celebrity witch hunt and THERE IS
NO JUSTICE! Meanwhile Russian officials admitted today they pumped fentanyl (a powerful opiate) into a theater where Chechen rebels were holding
800 people hostage. While the rescue attempt freed 660 hostages, the
gas killed 117 theater-goers. Health Minister Yuri Shevchenko said the anesthetic would not cause death under normal circumstances, but acknowledged
it could be fatal for people who may be sitting in cramped quarters for 58 hours,
deprived of food and water, and undergoing severe psychological distress.
Shevchenko then added, “Vhoopsy.”

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 31
After remaining virtually silent for three days, Winona Ryder defense attorney
Mark Geragos finally began earning his money today in a withering attack
against Saks security guard Colleen Rainey. Geragos accused the guard
of making up her story, trying to sell her pack of lies to the tabloids
(not the Mercury), and sneaking into Ryder’s address book to steal
the phone numbers of Keanu Reeves and Bono. Though Rainey denied
all allegations, this startling development could mean that Keanu and Bono may
be called upon to testify! What did we tell you? Is this the “Trial of the
Century” or what? Meanwhile Tragedy (the real kind, not the
funny kind) struck the music world today when it was announced that turntablist
Jam Master Jay of the group Run-D.M.C. was gunned down along with
a friend in his New York recording studio. Jay, whose real name was Jason
Mizell, was recording when two men burst inside the studio and shot him
in the head. His friend was also injured. There has been no word on motive,
and the suspects remain at large. Along with rappers Joseph “Run” Simmons
and Darryl “D.M.C.” McDaniels, Mizell is famous for such groundbreaking
tracks as “It’s Tricky,” “You Be Illin’,” and “My Adidas,” and is cited for
bringing rap music to the suburbs. An unfortunate by-product of this mainstreaming
of rap was revealed today when it was also announced that folk singer and horrible
poetess Jewel is recording a “hiphop” album produced by former
Will Smith sidekick DJ Jazzy Jeff. While Jam Master Jay may not
yet be in the ground, he’s undoubtedly spinning in his grave.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1
A shoplifting case of another sort was wrapped up today when none other than
the Queen of England came forward with information that led prosecutors
to drop charges against Princess Diana’s “manservant” for pillaging her
estate. (Don’t you hate it when manservants pillage?) It turns out that the
manservant merely tucked 310 items away for “safekeeping.” This was confirmed
when the Queen–twelve days into the manservant’s trial–remembered that the
manservant had come to her in the days after Diana’s death and said something
to the effect of: “I’m going to tuck some of her things away for ‘safekeeping.'”
The Queen is also scheduled to testify in the Winona Ryder trial next
week.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Police arrested several evildoers today for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham by ambushing her outside her house with a
chemical knockout spray. Police said they believed the evildoers were
part of the conspiracy to kidnap Beckham–whose husband is England soccer hunk
David Beckham–after a tabloid (not the Mercury) tipped them off.
Scotland Yard is still looking for the mastermind behind the caper, though authorities
did let slip that they are bringing in Baby Spice for questioning.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3
The New York Times revealed today that police investigating the killing
of Jam Master Jay are using a hiphop detective squad to search
for clues. The hiphop squad is made up of a team of detectives who stay “down
with the biz,” tracking the artistic clashes and business rivalries that
at times lead to head shooting. (Do we smell a new TV series on FOX?) Members
of the hiphop squad go to clubs, talk to informants, wear Kangol caps,
and have tricked-out sound systems in their Cutlasses. (Older readers might
remember a similar law enforcement team–known as the polka squad–that
broke up an Eastside Polish sausage racket in the 1950s.)