MONDAY, DECEMBER 2
We just can’t understand why Money Magazine would drop our
own precious, adorable, laissez-faire Portland from their top ten best places
to live. Apparently, they were not factoring in all the things that make Portland
so special: affordable housing, Stumptown coffee, happy hour drink specials,
a deep love for Weimaraners, Baddoll shoes, an abundance of cocaine (or
at least that’s what our friend Zebra Bunny tells us), and an inherent appreciation
of biting sarcasm. Even though employment might be scarce, who needs a job when
you’re relaxing on unemployment (not that we would know anything about that!)?
We’re guessing that one of two things turned them off; the attractiveness rating
of Portland’s men: a meager 2 out of ten (Romano rating), or the city’s complete
lack of any fashion sense whatsoever. Probably a little of both. It’s sad
how we constantly find ourselves feeling silly and overdressed while sporting
a sultry new pair of strappy platforms or a fitted fake fur vest, even
on a busy Thursday night at Colosso. Just last weekend, we arrived at a friend’s
“Dress as Your Alter Ego” party in a sexy Vamp/Goth ensemble, only to find nearly
everyone else wearing normal clothes. We felt humiliated, although the
multitude of compliments we received did cushion the blow. Anyhow, Portland, a
word of advice: you simply must step up to the fashion plate or else we’ll never
beat Los Angeles.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3
People who enjoy humor let out a collective sigh today when The Baptist
Standard‘s Craig Byrd reported that the Good Lord not only doesn’t frown
on laughter–he smiles on it! “Many people have the stereotype of Christians
as joyless, dour types whose greatest fear is that someone, somewhere, may
be having fun,” writes Byrd. “But, as any preacher who ever warmed up a congregation
for a sermon with a good, clean joke can testify, that isn’t the whole story!”
Turns out the serious version of the Bible that we all know and love has been
mistranslated from the original Hebrew or Greek or whatever. In actuality it’s
loaded with stories of good Christians laughing their God-fearing
asses off, as well as some scathingly funny, good ol’ fashioned jokes!
In Genesis 17:17, Abraham learns that Sarah will give birth in the geriatric
ward and falls on his face with uproarious laughter! And in Samuel 18:22, King
Saul lets the rustic David pay his wedding dowry in Philistine foreskins!
Ha! Who knew ye olde Scriptures could be so much fun? And now you can safely
laugh at them, because you’ll know Jesus is laughing with you. Just don’t have
an abortion or premarital sex, ’cause that’s still a ticket straight to Hell.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4
Today Dutch police discovered undetonated bombs at two separate IKEA stores,
prompting them to temporarily shut down 10 more of the trendy home décor
shops and tragically halting the sale of affordable-yet-hip orange couches and
ergonomically designed office chairs all across the Netherlands. Dutch
Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende issued a statement about the bombs, saying
that there was no indication that either terrorists or Winona Ryder were
involved. (The reason he knew this is because the bombs may be linked to accusations
that IKEA uses child labor, which is an issue neither al-Qaida nor Ryder
could give a crap about.) Furthermore, IKEA spokespeople were appalled that
the bombs not only deviated from their winter color scheme, but were also crafted
without respect for IKEA’s staunch minimalist design guidelines. Their anger
was partly assuaged after the Prime Minister picked up an Ölandstock
blanket and a lovely, rounded coffee table for Christmas gifts.

Also today, the New York Times warned against the dangers of Mercury, furthering the long feud between this paper and the East Coast tabloid. With much bile and envy, they spewed, “Mercury is unquestionably poisonous. At extreme doses, it causes tremors and madness. Children who accidentally get high doses tend to speak and walk later and to have tics and lower intelligence.” Well! One Day will admit that Mercury likes to get extreme and has acted crazy at parties on occasion. But TICS? We hate those creepy little things! They get under your skin and cause the dreaded Lyme disease. The Times has said some mean things about us in the past, but they’ve really gone too far this time. (At least they didn’t send us a bjömb.)

THURSDAY DECEMBER 5 Today the Times reported that even though the world’s economy is on a slip-and-slide aimed straight for Shitsville, German car company Porsche is simply wiping their backsides with cash, reporting profits of a record $4.87 million. One Day considers this proof positive that the world’s money is concentrated in the hands of middle-aged, white men fully experiencing midlife crises. Also, if recent activity at our neighbor’s house is any indication, the sales of cocaine, marijuana, and car stereos are also on the rise.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6
Why can’t Portland city officials ever be happy? (Haven’t they heard of Zoloft?)
While the rest of Portland basked in unseasonably warm, sunny weather,
officials from the Water Bureau tried to spoil everyone’s fun by bemoaning that
our water supplies were dipping dangerously low and afterwards loudly proclaiming
that without rain, the entire Northwest might need to switch to bottled water.
Boo hoo. Meanwhile, North Carolina had some real problems after a massive
ice storm not only brought Internet shopping to a complete standstill, but left
a million residents without power and electricity. The surprise white out cut
power lines and left most of the state without heat, lights, or any means of
watching their beloved Tar Heels slip into a two-game losing slump. (We
accidentally watched “Sportscenter” while manicuring). The evil storm also managed
to leave three dead from separate carbon monoxide poisoning incidents, as residents
slept in their cars and pulled their propane grills indoors to keep warm. The
FBI is investigating possible al-Qaida ties to the snowstorm.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7
Today Kinko’s opened their early Christmas gift from the Muslim world: Iraqi
officials released an eye-popping 11,000-page document detailing what
chemical weapons they have, and what chemical weapons they don’t have. As a
favor to the civilized world, smartly dressed leader Saddam Hussein also
tucked in a small pamphlet on personal grooming tips (slim at only 57 pages).
Suggestions included: “How to Stay Fresh While Being Bombed Back into the Stone
Age,” and a lengthy section titled “How to Keep Your Moustache Trim With Only
a Musket and Fingernail Clippers.” Copies of the 11,000-page document (five
cents a page–you do the math!) were sent to UN officials, US military strategists,
and the White House. Without even bothering to read a single page, President
Bush turned up his nose and declared, “They’re lying.” In an unrelated press
release, President Bush also declared that the new John Grisham book “sucks.”

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8
In a shocking scientific development, the Associated Press reported today that
scientists have discovered a global weather trend they have dubbed “global
warming.” Apparently, the northernmost reaches of the “Earth” are warming,
reducing the “sea ice” across the Arctic Ocean, melting the “ice sheet” in “Greenland,”
and spreading shrubs into the Alaskan “tundra.” While some “experts” claim to have been aware of these events individually, most expressed surprise
at the breakthrough. Several denied the trend outright. One California environmentalist
has insisted that he discovered “global warming” in 1976, but he has been treated
as an attention-craving crackpot by the world’s press. The environmentalist
claims that he traced “global warming” to “chlorofluorocarbons” in a
paper published in the journal Nature in 1980, but experts are saying
that it is more likely linked to “angry gods.” A study is planned to further
explore the phenomenon in early 2012.