MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Thanksgiving week is tough for gossip columnists and the gossip makers, alike. Frankly, with all the holiday planning, traveling, and enduring tiresome relatives, how can Colin Farrell be expected to impregnate anyone? How is Paris Hilton supposed to finish the 15th volume in her series of amateur internet porn? And how is Cameron Diaz expected to keep her acne under control after guzzling the entire contents of a gravy boat? Simply put; it’s just too much to ask! Therefore, only the top-of-the-line celebrities are doing any serious gossip production this week–primarily J.Lo and Michael Jackson. For exampleÉ The on-again, off-again wedding of J.Lo and B.AFF is once again “off again,” thanks to that perennial bugaboo of any serious relationship–dirty emails from skanky ho’s. According to the New York Post (and after purchasing her third Vera Wang wedding gown), J.Lo has cancelled the planned September nuptials after allegedly hacking into her fiancé’s computer and discovering sexy emails from female fans. Naturally, this would infuriate even the most docile Latina diva. However, matters were made infinitely worse when she also reportedly discovered a rather intimate email from Ben to Alias hottie Jennifer Garner, regarding her split from schlubby hubby Scott Foley! Needless to say, her la vida went loca. Something tells us Ben can forget about getting any giblets this Thanksgiving.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Reports about Michael Jackson’s alleged dalliances with the “younger set” just keep getting worse. Though the boy’s identity is supposed to be a highly guarded secret, many media outlets are assuming Jackson’s 12-year-old accuser is the same lad seen palling around with Jackson on the infamous Martin Bashir documentary, Living with Michael Jackson, who just happens to be a recovering cancer patient. Which, if trueÉ ICK!! Also, according to Britain’s Mail on Sunday, while combing the Neverland ranch in Santa Barbara, the cops discovered at least a dozen explicit love letters from Jackson apparently written to the youngster. “The boy told investigators about letters and poems and their precise location inside Michael’s home,” said an unnamed police officer. “They are very explicit and intimate.” If trueÉ ICK!! The boy also allegedly told the police that Jackson’s nickname for him was “Rubba.” (Brace yourselves, folks.) According to an insider quoted in the article, “[The 12-year-old] said Jackson called him ‘Rubba’ because one of the games they used to play was called ‘rubba rubba.’” If trueÉ ICK!!! ICK!!! Continuing, the spy recalled, “The boy said, ‘Michael told me he was my rubba rubba friend.'” At this point, we don’t care if it’s true or notÉ ICCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26
At this point, you may never want to hear the name Michael “Rubba Rubba” Jackson ever again. That’s unfortunate, because as mentioned earlier, Paris Hilton is too busy basting a turkey neck to get into any notable trouble. Therefore, here’s the latest Michael “Rubba Rubba” Jackson news! According to an article in today’s New York Times, “Rubba Rubba” is in some financial “trouble-trouble.” Though still considerably wealthy (thanks to his half-ownership of the Beatles catalog), it’s estimated that Jackson has acquired somewhere in the vicinity of $200 million worth of debt. That’s more than both of One Day’s credit cards–combined! There are also at least four liens on his 2,700-acre Neverland ranch, which he has been unsuccessfully trying to sell for $5 million. Not helping matters is his tendency to spend lavish amounts of money on quirky items such as Ferris wheels, monkeys, gaudy furniture, Slurpee machines, and possibly, replaceable noses (and we don’t mean for his Mr. Potato Head). In fact, his spending is so out of control that his financial advisers have reportedly tried to limit his spending to an outrageously low $1 million a month. Why, with that kind of allowance, Jackson will be forced to eat gold-plated Top Ramen!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Have you noticed that “Rubba Rubba” sounds a lot like McDonalds’ Hamburgler? Suffice it to say, that’s the last time we take our nephew to the McDonaldland. Meanwhile! While you were stuffing your big fat face with turkey and giblet gravy, the President of the United States made a super-secret Inspector Gadget-style visit to the troops in Iraq. Joining 600 soldiers at the Baghdad International Airport for Thanksgiving dinner, Bush received a standing ovation from morale-deficient troops who have been slowly picked off by Iraqi insurgents. “I was just looking for a warm meal somewhere,” the President joked, even though he didn’t actually eat anything and took off two and a half hours later. Only the upper echelon of the Bush Administration knew of the President’s plans–which had campaign strategist Karl Rove’s name all over it–and reportedly, even Bush’s parents were unaware that he wouldn’t be joining them for Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, according to reports, the plan was so secret, the President slipped past his own secret service team disguised only with a baseball cap pulled down over his eyes. NowÉ we don’t know about the rest of you, but we sincerely hope this part of the story is bullshit. Otherwise, what are we paying these guys for? Word about the President’s quickie visit was released only after Bush was halfway back to the states, and unsurprisingly, the Iraqi people–who, eight months after occupation, still have few jobs, unsafe conditions, and no political representation–were less than pleased. “He visited Iraq for the sake of the Americans,” said local barber Muzher Abd Hanush. “To come, say hello and leave–what good does that do?” Perhaps if Mr. Hanush celebrated Thanksgiving at our house, he might realize how lucky he was.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Do you worry about what you would do if an injured, naked man were to show up at your home unexpectedly? Well, neither did former shortstop Cal Ripken, but it actually happened to him. According to the Associated Press, that injured, naked man showed up at the home of the retired Baltimore Oriole asking for aid. Cal, quite properly, notified the authorities. The injured, naked man told police he had been kidnapped by three men who detained him for nine hours, and then ordered him to strip and run. He was shot as he ran screaming to the home of the Oriole. Cal Ripken is known for the longest streak in baseball history. This one was shorter, but perhaps more dramatic.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Agence France-Presse reports that the Inuit have been fucked again. The Denmark Supreme Court (known for their conservative leanings), unanimously ruled against 187 Inuit (you might know them as “Eskimo”) hunters who were given the boot off their Greenland home in 1953 by the steel toe of the Great U.S. of A. Hey, we needed a new base. Like, a lot. The Inuit/Eskimos had asked for perhaps some small compensation for the hunting and fishing grounds lost. But the court (known for their loathing of Eskimos), held up a 1999 verdict that allotted each Inuit a little less than $3,000, with a group indemnity of $80,800. The old Inuit quickly had their relatives push them out to sea on icebergs in protest, as the Danish court laughed and laughed.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30
According to the BBC, astronomers claim to have evidence of the existence of planets very much like a shining green planet we know as Earth. The earth-like planets are suspected to be orbiting a nearby star named Vega. Vega is only 25 light-years away and is bigger, brighter and younger than our Sun. (Vega = Eve; Sun = Margo Channing.) Best yet, Vega has a disc of dust circling it, and at least one large planet which astronomers theorize could sweep debris aside allowing smaller worlds like Earth to exist. This has them very excited. The solar system in question is named The Vega System, after its sun. Any folks who eventually turn up from there will be Vegans. Shop accordingly.