MONDAY, JUNE 28
Today Iraq’s provisional landlord received a pleasant surprise when President Bush turned over his keys to the country two days earlier than planned. Unfortunately, the new prime minister was not so pleased when he realized the United States had trashed the joint. And while the President did not leave behind a security deposit, he did give Prime Minister Iyad Allawi an owner’s manual, and 145,000 foreign troops to help smooth things over with the locals. “Please let us not be afraid of those outlaws that are fighting Islam,” said the new Prime Minister, who made everybody laugh because he sounded just like Kevin Bacon at the end of Animal House when he’s pleading for everyone to “Stay calm! All is well!” The fact of the matter is that all is not well, as bombs have ravaged Baghdad, kidnappings are on the rise–and those beheadings! OH! Let’s not even talk about the beheadings. In the meantime, you’ll forgive the Iraqi citizens if they seem less than thrilled with the Americans’ departure. “The real date will be when the last American soldier leaves,” said art dealer Qassim al-Sabti. “Of course, I still feel occupied.” Our advice? Slap on a new coat of paint, and burn some sage. It will feel like a brand new country (except for the smell of cat pee–you’re just going to have to live with that).
TUESDAY, JUNE 29
Two things we learned about Britney Spears today: 1) she’s NOT pregnant, and 2) she doesn’t give a crap what we think. In a rather grotesque feature spread in this week’s People, Britney dishes on her non-pregnancy and her idiotic engagement to two-timing ruffian/dancer Kevin Federline. Though rumors have been fluttering about that Brit was in “a family way,” she denies the charges saying that she’s currently concentrating on raising her new Maltese puppy, Lacy. Is this the same dog she bought in a mall last week, and while her mom was trying to escape the paparazzi ran over a photographer’s foot? Yes, it is. Personally, we’re relieved by the news of Brit choosing a dog over a baby, but think she should’ve started off with something requiring less responsibility–like a balled-up piece of notebook paper. Anyway! Brit went on to defend her impending nuptials to the loathsome Federline, saying, “This is my life and I don’t care what people think. I love this guy. I’ve kissed a lot of frogs in my life, and now I have a prince. I’ve found my happily ever after.” Oooooh-kay. When asked about her recent 55-hour long marriage with childhood pal Jason “Not the Fat Guy from Seinfeld” Alexander, she said, “That thing was a total ugh. I was not in love at all.” So for those keeping score at home: Getting married on a whim to someone you’ve known for years = “total ugh.” Marrying someone who has one out-of-wedlock baby and another on the way = “total yum.”
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30
It was double trouble for the Olsen twins today when Star magazine claimed that Mary-Kate’s eating disorder is actually more of a snorting disorder. While the Full House gals have been adamantly asserting that Mary-Kate is suffering from anorexia nervosa, Star says that the brunettish Olsen is actually undergoing treatment at Utah’s secretive Cirque Lodge clinic for cocaine addiction. Naturally, the twin’s reps are furious, claiming the story “is absolutely false,” and threatening legal action. However, the tabloid couldn’t care less. “If they were going to sue us, they would have done it already,” said spokesman Stu Zakim. “Nothing has come forward and that only reinforces the validity of our reporting. We knew how explosive this story would be, and it’s been fact-checked and fact-checked and fact-checked. We have all the confidence in the world that our reporting is on the money.” Well, if we were them, we wouldn’t be so sure! They are twins, after all. Maybe Ashley’s the one with the cocaine problem, and they’re pulling the old switcheroo!
THURSDAY, JULY 1
It was a bad day for megalomaniacs, starting with actor Marlon Brando who woke up dead at the age of 80. Star of The Godfather, Last Tango in Paris, and Apocalypse Now, Brando died today in an undisclosed location, with the cause of his death being withheld “in keeping with Brando’s need for privacy.” Ohhhh… well, in that case, by all means, let’s not disturb the dead guy! Shhh! The dead guy needs his privacy! Meanwhile… In a somewhat less uncomfortable day, former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein appeared in court to answer charges that included gassing thousands of Kurds in 1988, invading Kuwait in 1990, suppressing revolts from the Kurds and Shiites in 1991, and pretending to have weapons of mass destruction in order to embarrass President Bush in 2004. Unsurprisingly, he was grumpy and not on his best behavior. “I am Saddam Hussein, the president of Iraq,” he proclaimed at one point, waving his finger in the air. Hussein then went on to continually interrupt the proceedings, even speaking in a patronizing tone to the judge. “You know that this is all a theater by Bush, the criminal, to help him with his campaign,” Hussein said. Luckily, the young magistrate was a fan of Judge Judy, and shut down the ex-dictator with a snappy, “Oh yes? Well, don’t pee on my leg, and tell me it is raining, you big mouth.”
FRIDAY, JULY 2
According to today’s New York Times, John Kerry is said to be seriously on the prowl for a presidential VP nominee. As he is expected to base his choice on personal chemistry, we were not surprised to learn he had been trawling for candidates in politically unorthodox manners. We were, however, a little disappointed to see Mr. Kerry listed as the Salon Personals “Catch of the Day.” Kerry, listed with the tag PoliticoBoy, described himself as “a Yale graduate, looking for a submissive (male or female) with an extensive understanding of Middle Eastern politics, an Ivy league education, and a lot of relatives in Ohio and Florida. Charisma a must, dark side a plus.” Kerry’s accompanying photo showed him playing the guitar while riding a motorcycle. We know that Kerry just wants to cover his bases, but if you ask us, this sort of approach hardly seems dignified for a presidential candidate.
SATURDAY, JULY 3
Today, John Kerry announced plans to announce his vice presidential running mate in an email to the one million subscribers of his campaign website. Due to an accidental “reply all” email snafu, we got a sneak peek at this week’s most anticipated spam.
Dear America,
How R U? I think U R Gr8! BTW: my VP will B Hillary Clinton. Just kidding. (: My real VP will B sent out via text message l8tr. Vote 4 me! & Rawk on!
BFF, JK
SUNDAY, JULY 4
Today CNN reported that the Food and Drug Administration is warning that some shades of permanent make-up may cause physical disfigurement. Who would have thought that injecting permanent ink eyeliner, lip liner or eyebrow coloring into your face might be cause for regret later? Alas, in addition to scarring, the perma-make-up can cause severe depression in people who have a season’s hot colors applied, only to see them go out of style the next year. Many women with orange lip liner tattooed on their faces do not respond to psychological treatment and must be kept away from reflective surfaces and often institutionalized. On a more positive note, the tragedy has succeeded in weeding out some of society’s more short-term thinkers, a result that is expected to have a significant impact on the upcoming election.