MONDAY, MARCH 7

Reader, BEWARE. The following buffet of news and gossip has been rated “PG-EWWW!” for scenes of gross and highly INAPPROPRIATE behavior. Still there? Okay… Don’t say you weren’t warned. Today in Hollywood, 50-year-old Bruce Willis was allegedly spotted groping 18-year-old Lindsay Lohan and digging around inside her pants. (Hmmm… maybe we should raise our rating to “NC-Omigod!”) According to the New York Post (who later made a hasty retraction), it all happened after the screening for Willis’ new action flick Hostage, when a touchy-feely after-party at the Peninsula Hotel reportedly turned into a grope fest between the balding, geriatric actor and the obviously deeply troubled teen queen. Says a snoopy onlooker (who was probably tempted to poke out her eyes), “At one point, Bruce had Lindsay’s pants down far enough to reveal a tattoo that said ‘La Bella Vista’ (The Beautiful View) on her right cheek.” It was said the gropesters then took their party upstairs to his suite, followed by a number of pals. Now, we’re sorry but that is totally INAPPROPRIATE! Lindsay is far too young to have such a suggestive tattoo on her heinie! Meanwhile… Britney and her layabout hubby K-Fed were kicked out of not one, but TWO exclusive Hollywood restaurants after demanding their Chihuahua Bit Bit eat with them at the table. Naturally, Brit is too stupid to understand the concept of health regulations and stomped out of the hoity-toity Crustacean bistro–only to be turned away again at the posh Trattoria Amici up the street! INAPPROPRIATELY, the manager of the Trattoria chased the huffy pair down, and agreed to let Bit Bit in the restaurant if she stayed in Britney’s purse. Brit agreed and the dinner passed without incident–until everyone in the restaurant suddenly fell over dead after inhaling an unknown airborne pathogen. (Don’t blame Bit Bit, it happened after Britney took off her shoes.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 8

Today Mount St. Helen’s got overly excited and gushed a plume of ash seven miles into the sky. INAPPROPRIATE. No one was killed by the ejaculate, though the residents of Yakima, WA were later forced to clean the mountain’s sticky residue off their belongings. INAPPROPRIATE (especially considering the cost of dry cleaning these days). Meanwhile… Backstreet Boy Nick Carter received a pair of drunk driving charges today, after being pulled over by Huntington Beach, CA coppers on Saturday night. Naturally, Carter’s rep claims it wasn’t Nick’s fault all that booze was in his system: “Nick Carter deeply regrets the current situation,” said the big fat liar. “He is on doctor prescribed medication and was unaware of its interaction possibilities.” Yeah, RIGHT. Regardless, the judge has agreed to waive fines of up to $1,500 and the ensuing probation–but only if he promises never to record again.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9

What follows is possibly even more inappropriate than the idea of Bruce Willis playing grab-ass with Lindsay Lohan. In nearby Halsey, Oregon, a high school football coach is in deep doo-doo after licking the bleeding knee of a player. INAPPROPRIATE! INAPPROPRIATE! According to the Associated Press, parents filed a complaint with the Oregon Teacher Standards and Practices Commission after Coach Scott Reed’s “repeated inappropriate behavior” in which he has admitted to licking blood off the student athletes. However, as of press time, Reed has not been arrested. “Sometimes there are actions that are socially unacceptable or bizarre that aren’t necessarily criminal,” said the wizened Sheriff Dave Burright. “If he had done it against a student’s wishes, we might have had harassment. But this contact wasn’t forced or necessarily unwanted.” The student, to whom the licked knee belonged, told police the lick occurred after Reed had given the team a pep talk about how sometimes coaches lick an athlete’s injury to help them get back into the game. So there you have it: another great reason to always wear an athletic cup.

THURSDAY, MARCH 10

How’s this for a new tagline for our column? “One Day at a Time: Now with even more INAPPROPRIATE licking!” Michael Jackson’s in the news again, for showing up in court wearing pajamas and for allegedly licking a cancer kid’s head. The King of Pop was very nearly arrested today for showing up an hour late to his trial in which he’s accused of plying a child with booze, masturbating him, and holding he and his family against their will. Defense attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr. claimed Michael was late because he was being treated for a “serious back problem”–but the judge didn’t buy it, quickly issuing a warrant for Jackson’s arrest. Within an hour Jackson was hobbling into the courtroom dressed in a not-very-fetching pair of speckled blue pajama bottoms. (Hey, at least his nose didn’t fall off.) Testifying against Jackson was the 14-year-old brother of the accuser who allegedly saw the singer molesting his brother at the infamous Neverland Ranch. “My brother was asleep,” the boy recounted. “Michael was masturbating while [Jackson] had his left hand in my brother’s underwears.” Underwears? How many pairs was the kid wearing anyway? Oh, well… safety first, we suppose. Later the boy spoke of a separate incident on a chartered flight from Miami to Neverland when Michael was sitting next to his groggy, cancer-ridden brother. “[Michael] was just licking his head,” the boy testified. INAPPROPRIATE… but let’s give Jackson the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just licking off the excess radiation?

FRIDAY, MARCH 11

More INAPPROPRIATE news from the Michael Jackson trial!! You can imagine how relieved we were today to learn the world will not be robbed of Jay Leno’s keen insight into our favorite molestation case. Leno had asked the judge to clarify whether his gag order would prohibit the talk show host, who may be called to testify in the trial, from taking pot shots at the King of Pop. Naturally, justice prevailed. Though the judge did admonish Leno to “tell good jokes.” Wait a minute! GOOD jokes?! Has the judge not seen Jay Leno’s monologue? There’s no room for good jokes in such smart social satire! INAPPROPRIATE, judge. INAPPROPRIATE.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12

The Associated Press reported today that Sideways director Alexander Payne and wife, actress Sandra Oh, are separating. You know what that means, don’t you? That all the handholding at awards shows, all the adoring glances and supportive squeezes were nothing more than a bald-faced LIE. They’ve hated each other for MONTHS. They were probably hoping Sideways wouldn’t get nominated for anything just so they wouldn’t have to spend the evening together. Oh, sure. Stay together through awards seasons and THEN drop the S-bomb. So totally INAPPROPRIATE. Their spokeswoman said the Hollywood couple “have mutually decided to separate,” but that “they will remain friends.” Another LIE. You see? You see what kind of people these are?

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

Alert the Without A Trace writers. 82 King Cobras are missing from a Red Cross facility in Bangkok, Thailand. Apparently the Red Cross keeps King Cobras to milk for their venom, which is used as a serum for snakebite medicine. Workers discovered that 62 snakes were missing in January, but did not alert the police until 20 more went missing on February 2. Hello? INAPPROPRIATE. Missing King Cobras should be reported IMMEDIATELY. Write that down and stick it on your fridge. Authorities suspect a Red Cross employee stole the snakes to make snake stew. Which is ALSO INAPPROPRIATE. We suspect the enemies of G.I. Joe.