Hey pals ‘n’ buddies!
Y’know, I’ve been hearing a LOT of very angry chitty-chat from far-right butter dicks about how (WAHHH!) their idiot opinions are being silenced and (BOO-HOO-HOO) their First Amendment rights have been squashed. One question: If that’s true, THEN WHY AM I STILL HEARING THEIR STUPID OPINIONS?
Look, I’m not saying this First Amendment stuff isn’t tricky, but what some of these furious, fragile snowflakes don’t understand is that there’s a difference between stating an opinion and assuming their opinions are safe from consequences.
Example: In the past few days, Facebook and Instagram have (at least temporarily) banned Trump, while Twitter not only permanently booted the president, but thousands of election-fraud conspiracy theorists as well. Meanwhile Parler—the social media platform of choice for emotionally delicate domestic terrorists—had their plug pulled by Amazon, Google, and Apple. (Let’s be real, though: After years of turning a blind eye to these dangerous liars, these tech giants only did the right thing when it was politically expedient to do so. So forgive me if I don’t send Bezos, Zuckerberg, and Dorsey a bouquet of cookies.)
But there’s a very logical reason these shutdowns aren’t a violation of these cry babies’ First Amendment rights. Imagine, if you will, a scenario: It’s post-COVID, and you’re having a large party to celebrate the start of season 23 of TV’s hit show Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. (That’s a weird idea for a party… but you do you.)
Everybody’s having a good time, watching past episodes, and drinking every time Det. Odafin “Fin” Tutuola (Ice-T) walks into a gruesome murder scene and says, “That’s messed up.”
Suddenly, Seth—a relative newcomer to your SVU watch parties, invited by your friend Susan… or was it that butthole Trevor? Doesn’t matter—loudly proclaims, “Mariska Hargitay (who plays Captain Olivia Benson) is a third-rate community theater actor who has all the personality of a spoon-full of mayonnaise.”
The room falls silent. A champagne flute shatters on the ground. And then… a low, rumbling rage builds to a crescendo within each partygoer until it eventually explodes, and Seth—like the tragic victims of Pompeii—is buried alive under the searing lava of retaliatory smackdowns. (I mean, C’MON SETH! Everyone knows that Mariska Hargitay is actually a PHENOMENAL actor who’s won Emmy, Golden Globe, People’s Choice, AND MTV Music Video Awards! No wonder no one likes you!)
Seth is rightly and hurriedly ejected from the party (his coat thrown at him by a guest who was much kinder than I would’ve been) and stands in the driveway screaming into the ether: “I HAVE BEEN CENSORED! THESE SVU FANATICS HAVE VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS! And lest I forget, CANCEL CULTURE!!”
Here’s why Seth is full of shit. (Clarification: Seth was full of shit before he entered the party; we know this because his name is Seth. Anyway.) If Seth wanted to express his very wrongheaded opinion about Mariska Hargitay in a public setting (say, on a street corner next to the bullhorn preachers who correctly point out that I’m damned to hell), that is clearly his right—and it’s our right to respond “Oh shut up, dummy” or simply roll our eyes and walk away reading Mariska Hargitay fan fiction on our phones. BUT! Seth uttered his dipshit opinion in YOUR home at YOUR SVU party—which means you had every right to shut that nonsense down and throw his trifling ass OUT.
The fragile Seths of the world can scream all they want about being censored, but facts are facts: If you’re in my house (welcome to the Portland Mercury!) or for that matter, Dorsey’s Twitter or that bowl-cut robot’s Facebook, you’re there because you’ve been invited to the party. But as my guest, if you violate the values of my party/business (issuing threats, causing harm to others, or just generally stirring up shit), don’t act shocked or offended when I, or those who agree with our values, come at you HARD and suddenly you’re standing in the driveway looking like Ted Cruz with a pee stain on his Dockers.
In short, you are entitled to your opinion—and the rest of us are entitled to react to it accordingly, whether agreeing with it, disagreeing, or kicking you out because you’re a turd. Because if responsible business owners/party hosts were to simply ignore these angry powder puffs and let them run wild? Well, in the immortal words of Detective “Fin” Tutuola, “That’s messed up.” (Take a drink.)
Yer pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury
(he/him)
P.S. Help the Mercury stay in the game by becoming a regular monthly contributor! You’re the best! Mmmm-WAH!
One of these is not like the other.
Your argument is solid for Twitter accounts, not so much for Parler.
Parler is a shit show of weirdos, right wing extremists and bad cop procedural shows, but I repeat myself.
Still, no one was kicked off Parler because the owner wanted them out. The entire site was shut down because big tech turned off the lights to their site. It’s not a first amendment issue, but it is a problematic censorship issue.
It’s like everyone in your house enjoying Law and Order, but the utility company deciding that’s a problem and shutting off your power. As a private company they are legally able to do that, but that’s a very different thing than an owner asking someone to leave.
people have such short and selective memories. the same arguments you make about the right wing’s access to media have, in the quite recent past, been made to justifying denial of access by the left. after all,television, newspapers and magazines are all privately owned too and not subject to the bill of rights. the pendulum swings both ways. it always has and it always will. be careful what you wish for. you just may get it.
It’s so strange to see almost all journalists support censorship simply because it doesn’t violate the 1st amendment. This is the whack job shit conservative used to pull back in the 60’s when they invented cancel culture and we would laugh at them.
Since when did the 1st amendment become the only moral standard by which to judge censorship? The 1st amendment is a floor, not a ceiling or even a norm. In fact, the Oregon Constitution has added 1st amendment protections greater than the Bill of Rights. Has it come to this? As long as something does not violate the constitution we should be morally OK with it?
As a gen-Xer I’m too old. I grew up in environment where journalists always resisted censorship as a matter of pride.
“I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend the the death your right to say it”
When people lose the ability to talk and listen, they start reaching for guns in order to be heard.
I’m GenX too, and the idea that any American has the Constitutional right to broadcast hateful, incendiary garbage about other human beings, including providing a platform on which violent attempts at governmental overthrow are being plotted, is complete nonsense. Not only is that shit very UNconstitutional (despite what Wesel McConnell would like us to believe), i.e. NO ONE has the right to threaten, intimidate, or disrupt the legitimate functions of government LIKE THE FREAKING ELECTIONS, in the CONSTITUTION, NO LESS – ugh! why do I have to say this?? – the whole foundation that The Free Market Will Solve All Problems is fully at work here! Private companies do not owe you ANYTHING, because remember, they are not subject to elections! That is why Hilary Clinton was arguing that we needed to get rid of “Citizens United” (I hate the LieSpeak this is even made out of) and stop calling corporations people in the Constitution. Corporations do not have the responsibilities of citizens, such as voting, and they definitely do not deserve a financial ‘voice’ in the democratic process either.
Free speech is Constitutionally defined as the ability to speak out against the oppression of your elected officials, not the unfettered right to spew whatever hateful or violent garbage festers in your fevered, insurrectionist brain. It is not the right to violent, government-overthrowing assembly. It is the right to talk shit about a government that supports the likes of the jerkhole that whipped up a violent mob on Pennsylvania Avenue.