Okay, even though this blog post was tagged “PANIC!”—do not PANIC! The authorities have this situation completely under control, and the best thing you can do at this point is to stay inside your homes and await further instructions. For those just joining us, a panda bear with telekinetic powers has been spotted wandering the streets doing horrible things… WITH HIS BRAIN. Watch.

Again, DO NOT PANIC. Stay tuned to Blogtown for the latest on this developing story.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)