He will, presumably, be flying to safety in his $54 million private jet and not waiting in standstill traffic with the rest of the little people.
PANIC!
Posted inNews
The Pentagon Thought Trump Was Announcing a Military Strike On North Korea
This detail in Buzzfeed’s report is straight-up terrifying: President Trump tweeted on Wednesday that transgender people cannot “serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military,” repeating a claim from conservative Republicans that transgender service members disrupt the ranks and add medical costs that undermine troop readiness. The abrupt announcement seemed to stun military leaders, even […]
Posted inPANIC!
Tips for Surviving Your Racist Family Thanksgiving
iStock/KarenFoleyPhotography [Here are some wise words from former Portlander/current Denver resident and verrry funny comedian Andie Main that she wrote for us in 2016—and yet still hold true today!—eds] Tips for Surviving Your Racist Family Thanksgiving 1) Steel your nerves in the car before entering the house by watching the opening scene of Saving Private […]
Posted inTech
Meet “Pepper”—Your Newest Robot Overlord
“Would you like fries with that, future slave—BZZT!—I mean, human?” Last year, SoftBank Robotics Corporation announced their humanoid robot, Pepper, would be available to replace employees and bring about the coming robot revolution and the eventual downfall of humanity help staff various businesses around Japan—and it appears that Pizza Hut will be taking them up […]
Posted inPortland
Portland Earthquake Porn: The More the Merrier!
Thomas James Four years ago, former Mercury reporter Nathan Gilles wrote one of the more important and popular stories we’ve ever published, called The First Four Minutes. It was a meticulously researched piece of science/fiction about what might happen in downtown Portland if and when we get hit by that mega quake everyone’s been predicting—and […]
Posted inNews
For Your Nightmares: Cryptomaster behemoth
A monster is lurking deep in the forests of Southwestern Oregon. No, it’s not a rogue chupacabra visiting form Latin America. No, it’s not Bigfoot. It’s a daddy longlegs. The Cryptomaster behemoth, with a body 4 millimeters wide, dwarfs other members of its suborder—called Laniatores. James Starrett, an entomologist at the University of California, Riverside […]
Posted inNews
The Militant Takeover in Harney County Is Just Oregon’s Latest Symptom of Anger Over Federal Ownership
Timeline: Radical antigovernment right and federal land-use disputes https://t.co/6ZPhjn7DG3 #OregonStandoff pic.twitter.com/5XiHxWLytX — SPLC (@splcenter) January 4, 2016 There’s still no telling what will come of the armed, self-styled “militiamen” who’ve taken over a few buildings in a remote Eastern Oregon wildlife refuge. The FBI is heading up the response, but so far authorities are being […]
Posted inHorrors
Portland’s Upcoming Cataclysmic Quake: The First Four Minutes
Thomas James [Editor’s note—As Erik Henriksen pointed out in “Good Morning, News!”, we’re ALL GOING TO DIE. The New Yorker just wrote at length about the big earthquake that’s going to plunge the Pacific Northwest into a hellpool of carnage and destruction, but they only just got wise to what we’ve been telling you since […]
Posted inEvents
The Zombie Apocalypse Disaster Preparedness Game
Where are we at with zombies? It’s hard to keep track as zombies and vampires compete neck-and-neck for popularity. I’m leaning toward zombies being the less enticing of the two at this point, but then again I see that some of you are still watching The Walking Dead for some reason, so who knows. Certainly […]
Posted inNews
Trade Publication Warns: “Look Behind the Curtains” Before Taking Mult Co Emergency Management Job
More than three months after Multnomah County’s emergency manager resigned under accusations of lengthy brunches and illegal recordings, the search is finally on for a permanent replacement. The county posted the opening on Friday, offering up $90,000-140,000 a year to the right person. It’s a good bit of money, and an ostensibly desirable position. But […]
Posted inHorrors
Today in PANIC!!!
You like being trapped in very small spaces that slowly fill up with water, right? Then check out this video of British spelunkers getting caught in “the tube” inside Lost John’s Cave in Lancashire, England as water starts to rise around them. (You will start to experience panic around the 20 second mark… but hold […]
Posted inPANIC!
Float-Away Bouncy Houses: Think of the Children!
Something new for you skittish parents to worry about: A bouncy house in South Glen Falls either blew away or floated away with three children inside. WHAAAAAA??? From WNYT: Three children were inside the play structure when the wind lifted the inflatable toy 50 feet into the air. The three kids — ages 5, 6, […]