It’s Portland Pizza Week! Here Are the Rules:

TODAY! TODAY IS THE BLESSED FIRST HOLY DAY OF PORTLAND PIZZA WEEK 2017.

Read descriptions of all the Pizza Week slices here!

See a map of all the Pizza Week locations here!

We highly recommend amping up with Andrew W.K.’s power of positive pizza partying speech:

Also watch the creepiest-ever slow motion video of the Olsen twins singing about pizza:

And remember the glory of Pizza Rat:

We also want to remind you that there are rules for Pizza Week. Something as magnificent as Pizza Week is sure to be the kind of life-altering, continent-shattering event that your grandchildren will sing songs about—but in order to make sure those songs are as joyous as possible, let’s all keep a few things in mind:

THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH PIZZA ON PLANET EARTH
Portland’s proud pizza purveyors will do everything they can to get you as much pizza as you can eat—but, sadly, the laws of physics still apply. So if a Pizza Week restaurant runs out? Stay cool. Come back tomorrow! It’s Pizza Week, not Pizza Day.

EVERYBODY LOVES PIZZA!
Everybody. So there’ll be lines. And there’ll be waits. But you know that old saying about pizza: “Even if you have to wait in a line for a minute to eat some pizza, well, you still get to eat some pizza, so you know, maybe your life is okay after all!” That is a real old saying.

TIP!
Yep, you, you cheap bastard. You’re getting a one-of-a-kind, one-time-only, just-for- Pizza Week slice for TWO MEASLY DOLLARS! And the pie-slingers making them? They’re working hard. So tip, and tip well.

FOOD THAT… ISN’T PIZZA?
Food scientists recommend that pizza should only make up 95 percent of the average human’s diet. “Sounds good, food scientists,” you say. “But how do I fill in that other five percent?!” That’s easy, aver- age human! Pizza Week locations will also have all kinds of sides and drinks. So make a meal out of it and live forever.

#PORTLANDPIZZAWEEK!
At portlandpizzaweek.com, you’ll find up-to-the-second details about Pizza Week locations and slices—like info about which slices are going fast and which slices are Portlanders’ favorites. And if you’ve got any time during Pizza Week when you aren’t stuffing pizza into your face, help out your fellow Pizza Week adventurers: Post and see even more about Pizza Week with #portlandpizzaweek on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Read descriptions of the all the Pizza Week slices here!

See a map of all the Pizza Week locations here!

Now go forth and eat!