Jeff Wagner is running for the office of mayor of Minneapolis. Why is he the most qualified? HERE’S WHY:

1) He lives beneath a lake, and only comes out to remind us that the media and big money control elections, and to get a refill of his coffee cup.

2) I thought I had a few more reasons… but yeah. That just about covers it!

Mermaids and Mermen of Minneapolis! Vote Jeff Wagner!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)