It’s time to stop whining about whether Sam Adams should resign or not resign for his flagrant and self-centered lies. For I HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM. What we need to do is to accept Sam’s apology, and punish him with a PHYSICAL HUMILIATION. Nothing violent, or life-threatening—just something that will show him how disappointed we are, and that he will NEVER, NEVER FORGET. Then, we can shake our finger at him and say, “That’s what ya get! Now… get your ass back to work.” Trust me, this works great at the Mercury office, and I’M ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. Let’s make Sam do a public humiliation, and then put this bullshit behind us. For example?

• PUT HIM IN THE STOCKADE. That’s kicking it old-school! For his sins, Sam will spend an entire afternoon in some old-timey 16th century stockades in the middle of Pioneer Courthouse Square. If a kid tosses a tomato his way? Well, maybe next time he won’t be such a fucking liar.

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• A WEEK OF PANTSING. For an entire week, he has to wear a baggy pair of gym pants, and walk around town during lunch hour. If you see him? You get to pants him—WITH NO RETRIBUTION! Consider his debt paid in full.

• RUN THE BELT LINE. They actually did this back when I was at Boy Scout camp. Line up two rows of ten people facing each other, who are holding their belts. Sam runs through the line as each person swings their belt at his ass. Boy Scouts had a lot of sexy fun like that.

• MAKE HIM SLEEP WITH A WOMAN. Just kidding. Ooh! An old woman!

• EGG FIRING SQUAD. Blindfold Sam, put him up against a wall at the courthouse and allow every person who he’s actually hurt (not just hurt their feelings—like me) with his lies to pelt him with an egg. Naturally this will run live on all local networks.

• RIDE A TINY HORSE DOWN THE ENTIRETY OF BURNSIDE WHILE PEOPLE LINE THE STREETS AND YELL “BOOOOOOOOO!” Make that a squeaky wheeled tricycle. I don’t want to hurt the feelings of the horse.

Thank you for accepting this as “the best idea ever” and the only “real solution” to our city’s biggest (and most annoying) problem. IN SHORT: I’m completely, 100% percent serious about this, and Sam? Don’t resign. We’re not going to let you off that easy.

(Your further suggestions for public humiliations in the comments below, please.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

29 replies on “Sam Adams Problem: SOLVED”

  4. Or he could watch me and Steven make beautiful babies for days on end. That would be delicious.
    What!? Still not talking to me Stevie!!!???
    ~Channaj

  7. I like the stockade or egg firing squad idea. In the words of the Mikado:

    “My object all sublime, I will achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime. The punishment fit the crime. And make each prisoner pent, unwittingly represent, a source of innocent merriment. Of innocent merriment.”

  11. Part of me thinks we might be giving him just what he wants if he publicly flagellate him. He seems to like the pain- why else would he let that press conference go on for an hour?

    Why don’t we punish him with love instead?

    No forgiveness, though. Punish and move on. But no forgiveness for getting someone else to lie for him, and for putting his own interests first, in front of the city’s.

  12. I have no problem offering my forgiveness, that is how we have a civilization.
    After he steps down, which is the natural consequence component of the wrongdoing.
    Mr Adams – D forgives you.

  14. Sam,

    I’m starting to feel sorry for you.

    Here’s what you do.

    Find some people to orchestrate an attack on the PORTLAND BUILDING.

    Blame it on Vancouver and declare a State of Emergency.

    Send in the National Guard to invade Washington.

    Don’t forget to wear a flag on your lapel!

    (Hey, if it could work with a moron from Texas it should work for you)

  18. To make sure this doesn’t happen in the future, Sam must give a detailed sexual history.

    Sexxay details. Speaking slowly.

    mmmmm……podium….

  22. One straight week of Downtown Clean and Safe duty–including the chance for residents and tourists alike to gawk, point, cluck and taunt him.

    That’s actually plausible.

  24. My brother in-law (or something) suggested that he should have to wear a scarlet A. I mean, really, what is more appropriate for a puritan witch hunt than a puritan punishment?

    Personally, I’d go for dunking him in the Willamette. We’ll give him 4 years lead time, if he doesn’t clean it up, (or if he is a witch,) he’ll melt. He’ll need to “nationalize” PGE, close Boardman, replace all the power with solar and wind, and the mercury (not the paper) levels in the river should become somewhat safe. However, if anyone can finish Vera’s business, Sam can. (I can’t believe people fish out of that thing.)

  29. Love the pantsing idea. Did it in middle school to Jared Brode when he was hanging from a basketball rim in gym class in front of the whole 7th grade. Got me famous for a week. And that’s the point of all this, right? Let’s get Portland moving and accept the fact that 2009 will probably be the crazy year where all the buried shit in the world all comes to light. Damn internet.

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