As I mentioned earlier today, “Kay-dollar sign-HA!” has a “street team”—so why don’t I? There’s no good answer, is there? Here are some reasons I need a “street team”:

1) Sometimes I get the feeling that you “like me,” but you don’t “like me-like me.” Know what I mean? A “street team” could help fix this problem.

2) Some people on the street don’t know who I am. For example, the other day I asked a person on the street to give me their sandwich. They refused, even after I screamed, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??” Apparently they didn’t know who I was. A “street team” could remedy this situation.

3) I enjoy the company of enthusiastic teenagers. (STOP YOUR BRAIN RIGHT THERE. I know what you’re about to think, and you’re just wrong, so don’t even start to think it. Other than a hundred plus blog posts, you have absolutely NO PROOF of what you’re about to think. So stop. Just… don’t.) A “street team” could help me out in this department.

4) Do “street teams” clean out garages? If so, I would really like a “street team.”

5) A “street team” member could approach someone on the “street,” and say something like, “Hey! What’s up, dawg? Ever heard of Wm. Steven Humphrey?” And if the person says “no,” then the “street team” member could say, “Aww, dude! He’s the bomb diggy diggy. You should totally check his shit out.” And the person would say, “Okay, sure, whatever.” And my “street team” person would say, “No, not ‘whatever.’ Do it. Now. Check his shit out.” And the person would say, “You’re making me uncomfortable.” And my “street team” member would say, “No, my fist inside your ass would make you uncomfortable. Check out Wm. Steven Humphrey’s shit, and you won’t have to worry about my first traveling up the inside of your ass.” And the person might scream for the police. And my “street team” member might get arrested. Which means there’s one less jail cell, and therefore, one less chance of me getting incarcerated following the DUI I plan on getting this evening.

So… yeah. I need a “street team.”

WILL YOU BE ON MY “STREET TEAM”?

Feel free to post in the comments how you’d promote Wm. Steven Humphrey on the “streets” as a “street team” member.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

11 replies on “I’m Pretty Sure I Need a “Street Team””

  2. If they were provided to me, I would wear (in public) a tee-shirt that says “Wm.™” and pants that say “HUMPY!” Then when all the people in the public domain kept asking me about them all interested and curious-like, I would hand them a Mercury and go “Yeah that dude! Check out his shit! … also look at that event description, I wrote that a month ago.” Then I would pimp the Blogtizzle, of course. Then as I walked away from all those people in the public, I would sing a song about you, possibly accompanying myself on the tambourine if I happen to have it around.
    I don’t clean out garages or stuff (remember how I didn’t change your tire?) but I am good at eating pastries.

  7. Can I just be a hype man? I’ll totes wander around saying my catch phrase, which for the time being since I haven’t had time to think about it at all and decided to just steal one from ‘Community’ will be “POP POP!”

  8. Steve! I’m just trying to tell you I like-like you and you keep shitting on it! But I’ll probably bring you oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies next week anyway.

  9. I would pretend to be a hooker and then when the penises would come out, I would laugh at them and say “HAHAHA! Wm. Steven Humphrey has a better penis than yours, it’s on display in the Mercury, check it out.” And then I would run away with their money.

    …I’m not really sure how this will promote Wm. Steven Humphrey, but at least I will get money out of it.

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