You may not know this unless you’ve visited the Mercury offices, but… OUR BATHROOM READING MATERIAL IS ABYSMAL. Old dog-eared copies of Entertainment Weekly, Wired, Rolling Stone, and The Food Network magazine. GROSS!! We deserve better, am I not right?
That’s why I instituted the Mercury Editorial Bathroom Magazine Drive™, in which I asked our editorial staff to bring in at least one great bathroom magazine to replace all the ones I’m throwing into the recycling! And to sweeten the pot? A shiny silver dollar will go to the employee who brings in the BEST toilet reading material!
Naturally, our staff stepped up to the challenge, and I’ve narrowed the choices of reading material down to what I think are the seven top magazines. THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN!
After the jump I’m posting the covers of all seven finalists, with an example of an article from that particular magazine. Look them over, and choose which one YOU think best exemplifies the perfect bathroom reading material. (The Portland Mercury itself is exempt, of course.)
Voting will cease at noon on Monday, and the winner of the shiny silver dollar will be announced. (And no, I’m not including the name of the person who submitted the magazine, because you know as well as I do that you’re all vengeful fuckers.) Okay, look at the covers after the jump and VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST BATHROOM MAGAZINE?

COVERS AFTER THE JUMP!!

Circa 1975. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Blasting Caps Explode—Dont Touch Them!
  • Circa 1975. SAMPLE ARTICLE: “Blasting Caps Explode—Don’t Touch Them!”
Circa 2006. SAMPLE ARTICLE: 80s Teen Sex Comedies by Andy Selsberg.
  • Circa 2006. SAMPLE ARTICLE: “’80s Teen Sex Comedies” by Andy Selsberg.
Circa 1981. SAMPLE ARTICLE: What Christopher Reeve Will Be Like When He Gets Old.
  • Circa 1981. SAMPLE ARTICLE: “What Christopher Reeve Will Be Like When He Gets Old.”
Circa 1991. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Brent Spiner: Designing Data.
  • Circa 1991. SAMPLE ARTICLE: “Brent Spiner: Designing Data.”
Circa 2006. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Lots of pix of hot feminists!
  • Circa 2006. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Lots of pix of hot feminists!
Circa 1993. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Morrissey News.
  • Circa 1993. SAMPLE ARTICLE: “Morrissey News.”
Circa 2003. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Not a mag per se, but lots short sexy stories by folks Denis Johnson.
  • Circa 2003. SAMPLE ARTICLE: Not a mag per se, but lots short sexy stories by folks Denis Johnson.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

9 replies on “YOU Decide Our Bathroom Reading!”

  3. Because, you know, nothing says “Welcome to our Humble Toilet” like chicks with three tits, the world’s largest testicles and bullet-wound-sex fetishes.

  4. I thought Bizzare went out of business? No MAD? Cracked was always it’s half assed cousin. Also, no Redbook – plenty of recipes for PAC to droll over whilst dropping a duece (or an Ace if Ezra is being a dick that day).

  5. I am honestly surprised that the issue of Purple I brought in did not make the list. Not only does it have excellent photographs and lengthy articles on people like Dash Snow, Ryan McGinley, Mario Sorrenti, and Benjamin Cho, but it has by a conservative count 60 pairs of naked breasts, 17 bare “vaheenas,” and six penises. How is that not a something-for-everybody slam dunk?

  7. I feel 99.9% confident that the “Morri’Zine” in question was stolen from my basement sometime within the last few days.

    OK, 100% confident.

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