If youâre new to Portland, you may have experienced a moment when someone gives you a look and pointedly asks, âWhere are you from?â They know. You donât know how they know, but somehow theyâve figured out that youâre not from here. You panic at suddenly having to admit that youâre an out-of-state transplant.
Iâm from Portland, and Iâm here to tell you that some of my fellow PDXers are a bunch of xenophobic dickweasels and you shouldnât have to deal with their bullshit. However, since their bullshit isnât going to stop anytime soon, hereâs how to pass as a native Portlander and, hopefully, never get that loaded âwhere are you fromâ question again.
Talk Right
You probably already know the basics: âWillametteâ rhymes with âdammit,â and âCouchâ rhymes with âpooch.â But if you really want to sound like youâre from Portland, âaccidentallyâ call prominent landmarks by their old names.
Examples: Itâs not âProvidence Park,â itâs âCivic Stadium.â âCĂ©sar ChĂĄvezâ is â39th.â That sign with the light-up deer next to the Burnside Bridge? If youâre over 35 call it âthe White Stagâ sign. If youâre younger, itâs the âMade in Oregonâ sign. Most importantly, if someone corrects you while saying any of these things, blow them off. If you call it the Rose Garden and they say, âYou mean the Moda Center?â look at them like theyâre an idiot, and say, with authority, âItâs the Rose Garden.â Because it is. Youâre from here. You know.
Ignore Rain
Portlandâs rain is more like an ambient misery mist than the full-on curtains of precipitation that youâll get in subtropical climates. If youâre from here, youâre used to it, and you ignore it. Donât flinch, donât complain, and donât open an umbrella. Put on a hat or pull up a hood, and walk or bike through wet weather like it ainât no thing.
Have the Correct Opinions about Portland Institutions
Try to cultivate a love-hate relationship with the Rose Festival. Acknowledge that itâs a painfully small-town-y thing for an actual city to do, but also add that you think itâs great that everyone gets excited for marching bands and flower floats once a year. Donât try to be too detached or ironic. Real Portlanders love this shit, even if they donât want to.
Complain about McMenamins, but go there anyway because, hey, they do some great work with historical preservation. Also acknowledge that theyâve made valuable and important contributions to Portlandâs beer scene, but add that their beer is stuck in the past. Have complicated feelings about Voodoo Doughnut. You can be a fairly unambiguous fan of Powellâs without being flagged as an outsider. Donât get overly excited about anything, and donât try to be too superior or distant. Be proud of what your hometown has, but also feel weird about it.
Learn to Navigate Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Outsiders often claim that Portlanders donât say what they mean. Portlanders say what they mean all the time with their tone of voice, choice of words, and body language. Picking up on those subtle cues, and learning to navigate shades of irony and intonation will carry you a long way in communicating with Pacific Northwesterners. When someone says âitâs coolâ in a flat tone of voice it is not, in fact, cool. Someone replying that they are âinterestedâ in your Facebook event has no intention of going. âMaybeâ often means no, except when it doesnât. âIâll have to check that out,â means that they will never check that out, unless they ask for specifics.
And donât just learn how to understand passive-aggressiveness. Learn how to dish it out. Specifically....
Ask Other People Where Theyâre From
The best way to seem like a Portlander, though, is to put other people on the defensive. When youâre having drinks with some new friends, ask them if theyâre from here. Even better, say, âHow long have you been in Portland?â If theyâre not from here, congrats, theyâll just assume you are. If they are, hit back with, âOh? Youâre from Portland. Wow.â They wonât dare ask you where youâre from after that. Theyâll know. Youâre from Portland.