If you’re new to Portland, you may have experienced a moment when someone gives you a look and pointedly asks, “Where are you from?” They know. You don’t know how they know, but somehow they’ve figured out that you’re not from here. You panic at suddenly having to admit that you’re an out-of-state transplant.
I’m from Portland, and I’m here to tell you that some of my fellow PDXers are a bunch of xenophobic dickweasels and you shouldn’t have to deal with their bullshit. However, since their bullshit isn’t going to stop anytime soon, here’s how to pass as a native Portlander and, hopefully, never get that loaded “where are you from” question again.
Talk Right
You probably already know the basics: “Willamette” rhymes with “dammit,” and “Couch” rhymes with “pooch.” But if you really want to sound like you’re from Portland, “accidentally” call prominent landmarks by their old names.
Examples: It’s not “Providence Park,” it’s “Civic Stadium.” “César Chávez” is “39th.” That sign with the light-up deer next to the Burnside Bridge? If you’re over 35 call it “the White Stag” sign. If you’re younger, it’s the “Made in Oregon” sign. Most importantly, if someone corrects you while saying any of these things, blow them off. If you call it the Rose Garden and they say, “You mean the Moda Center?” look at them like they’re an idiot, and say, with authority, “It’s the Rose Garden.” Because it is. You’re from here. You know.
Ignore Rain
Portland’s rain is more like an ambient misery mist than the full-on curtains of precipitation that you’ll get in subtropical climates. If you’re from here, you’re used to it, and you ignore it. Don’t flinch, don’t complain, and don’t open an umbrella. Put on a hat or pull up a hood, and walk or bike through wet weather like it ain’t no thing.
Have the Correct Opinions about Portland Institutions
Try to cultivate a love-hate relationship with the Rose Festival. Acknowledge that it’s a painfully small-town-y thing for an actual city to do, but also add that you think it’s great that everyone gets excited for marching bands and flower floats once a year. Don’t try to be too detached or ironic. Real Portlanders love this shit, even if they don’t want to.
Complain about McMenamins, but go there anyway because, hey, they do some great work with historical preservation. Also acknowledge that they’ve made valuable and important contributions to Portland’s beer scene, but add that their beer is stuck in the past. Have complicated feelings about Voodoo Doughnut. You can be a fairly unambiguous fan of Powell’s without being flagged as an outsider. Don’t get overly excited about anything, and don’t try to be too superior or distant. Be proud of what your hometown has, but also feel weird about it.
Learn to Navigate Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Outsiders often claim that Portlanders don’t say what they mean. Portlanders say what they mean all the time with their tone of voice, choice of words, and body language. Picking up on those subtle cues, and learning to navigate shades of irony and intonation will carry you a long way in communicating with Pacific Northwesterners. When someone says “it’s cool” in a flat tone of voice it is not, in fact, cool. Someone replying that they are “interested” in your Facebook event has no intention of going. “Maybe” often means no, except when it doesn’t. “I’ll have to check that out,” means that they will never check that out, unless they ask for specifics.
And don’t just learn how to understand passive-aggressiveness. Learn how to dish it out. Specifically….
Ask Other People Where They’re From
The best way to seem like a Portlander, though, is to put other people on the defensive. When you’re having drinks with some new friends, ask them if they’re from here. Even better, say, “How long have you been in Portland?” If they’re not from here, congrats, they’ll just assume you are. If they are, hit back with, “Oh? You’re from Portland. Wow.” They won’t dare ask you where you’re from after that. They’ll know. You’re from Portland.
It seems to me Mr. Streckert that you are to use your own words the “xenophobic dickweasel” you compare Portlanders curious about someone because they’re not from here simply because they ask them where they are from. Telling people not from Portland that they should pretend or lie about where they had grown up just to fit in is sad and frankly kind of pathetic, especially for a grown adult. Everyone should be able to speak they’re native accent how they see fit and not be ashamed of it. I am and native Portlander as you say you are and your characterization of Portlanders as xenophobes is just flat out wrong. Yes some people that grew up here are weary of others moving here increasing the prices of houses and real estate which causes greedy developers to tear own some of those Portland land marks to tell transplants to namedrop. That’s not me and neither is it any of my friends or family. My wife is in fact from Pasadena CA and many close friends are from other parts of the county that all moved here to Portland. I celebrate all my friends cultural and regional diversity, some from Texas and some from Wisconsin. You think those people should actively try to suppress they’re native accents only because you think its rude or xenophobic for someone that grew up here to ask them where they are from?!? That is ridiculous. There are many places full of fake people where they try to pretend they are someone else. LA, NY for example. I lived in NYC for four years. I met lots of people trying desperately to pass them selves off as native New Yorkers and it was in fact sad and pathetic. Personally I was ask my times “where are you from” and I gladly and proudly told them. Many people would tell me I had a strange and interesting accent. Imagine that, a native New Yorker saying that to a Portlander. I didn’t think of it as rude or xenophobic, on the contrary. It was a prefect Ice breaker for people start a conversation about being an american from a different part of the country as well as a great excuse to educate people who otherwise would have assumed Oregon was one of those States next to Oklahoma. You wouldn’t tell a person that had just moved here from another county to suppress their native language and culture would you? Maybe you would. I hope you think about your own prejudice and how easy it is to stereotype people even if you are one of them.
uh oh the comment section…I understand the criticism against the author, but it’s the Mercury, and this is seemingly pretty harmless.
Most people who aren’t from here are probably reading this just to learn the ins and outs of the city. I don’t think the author is actively asking people to suppress their voices or pretend to be somebody else.
Portland does have a huge xenophobia problem, though, and this read like a light navigational guide. Real xenophobia is when people fuck up Californians cars and spray graffiti on their houses and personally target them. For the record, I am from Wisconsin and have been living here for 4 years.
I am observing that the people who have a problem with this article and appear xenophobic are the people who are from Portland.
Yeah, because someone that arrived from New York, NY is going to care about the changes in the city.
People born and raised in their present cities will only have positive opinions about people with more wealth coming to their town that already has pricey housing and stiff employment.
Portland sucks. Why would I want someone to think I was from here? That my big accomplishment was that I never managed to leave my home town? Pathetic.
As a native Portlander I thought this humorous piece was dead on. From the White Stag sign to Rose Quarter to descriptions of Portland passive aggression, Streckert nailed it. And it’s humor folks. Walk it off.
Walk it off, and if you are driving, don’t start laying on the horn because I’m holding you up from wherever it is you think you need to be besides Here and Now.